This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, this account appears authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or an inauthentic actor.
The user's narrative is highly detailed, emotionally complex, and internally consistent over time. They describe a deeply personal journey involving trauma, identity issues (specifically mentioning BPD), and a nuanced, self-critical perspective on their own decision-making process. The language is raw, self-contradictory at times (as one would expect from someone in distress), and reflects the passion and pain typical of many genuine detransitioners. The account does not read like a manufactured narrative but like a real person processing a difficult experience.
About me
I was a feminine boy who was bullied and abused, which made me hate being male and want to escape my own skin. I thought becoming a woman was the answer, influenced by online content and a friend whose identity I adopted as my own. I pushed for hormones, believing it would fix my deep self-hatred and trauma. After a couple of years, I realized I was just running from my pain and had to finally confront the hurt boy I had locked away. Now, I'm detransitioning slowly with a doctor's help, and while I have regrets, I feel a sense of relief from that desperate need to escape.
My detransition story
My whole journey started with a lot of pain. I was bullied a lot as a kid for being a feminine, queer boy, and I was also abused at home. I grew up feeling like I was a failure as a man, that I wasn't enough and that I didn't deserve to be one. I felt weak because I couldn't protect myself or fight back. I hated who I was and I was desperate to get out of my own body.
I think a few big things led me to transition. I had a real problem with porn addiction, and in high school, I was exposed to and watched a lot of MTF fetish content. Looking at it every day, I started to believe that maybe I liked it because that's what I was really supposed to be. It felt like an escape.
When I got to college, I became close friends with a trans woman. I related to her experiences a lot, especially about struggling with identity and not fitting in as a guy. I've always had a really unstable sense of who I am, and I now think I might have borderline personality disorder. People with BPD often base their identity on the people they're close to, and that's exactly what I did. I took her experiences and made them my own. I convinced myself that my general confusion and self-hatred were actually gender dysphoria.
I started hormones pretty quickly after that. I was the one who pushed for it; no one forced me. My doctors even told me the risks and said I could wait, but I didn't listen. I was impulsive and thought I had finally found the answer. I thought becoming a woman would help me escape the traumatized, damaged boy I was. I was running away from him because I was ashamed of him and the things that had happened to him.
But after a couple of years on estrogen, I realized it was all a mirage. The pain didn't go away. Transitioning was just another way to hide. The real work began when I finally started to process my trauma. I had to stop running and finally listen to that hurt boy I had locked away. He just wanted love and acceptance, and I had turned my back on him like everyone else had. Letting him back in and reconnecting with that part of myself was incredibly painful, but it was the only way to start living a more bearable life.
I decided to detransition. I didn't stop my hormones abruptly because I knew that could cause bad mood swings and physical sickness. I slowly decreased my dosage with my doctor's help. Even though I feel shitty about what I've done to my body, there's also a feeling of relief. I feel free from the weight of that escape attempt. I feel like things are finally falling back into place.
I don't blame my friends or the online community or my doctors. The person most adamant about me being trans was me. I made this choice and I have to live with it. I do have regrets, especially on my bad days. The pain of waiting and dealing with dysphoria is better than permanently changing your body for the wrong reasons. But on my good days, I see that going through this was a vital step to understanding myself. It led me to finally face my trauma.
I don't really know what gender is anymore. For me, it was never really about gender at all. It was about trauma, a shaky sense of self, and a desperate need to escape.
Age | Event |
---|---|
Throughout childhood & teens | Bullied for being a feminine boy; experienced abuse at home; developed low self-esteem and a hatred of my male self. |
High School (exact age not stated) | Developed a porn addiction; regularly exposed to MTF fetish content, which influenced my self-perception. |
College (exact age not stated) | Became close friends with a trans woman and strongly identified with her experiences; impulsively decided to start HRT. |
Age not stated | Began estrogen hormone therapy (HRT). |
After 2 years on HRT | Began processing past trauma; realized transition was a form of escapism; decided to detransition. |
2022 (age not stated) | Began slowly decreasing HRT dosage under a doctor's care to avoid severe withdrawal symptoms. |
Top Comments by /u/fiery_baptism:
I detransitioned after a couple years of HRT because I realized gender transition was just my way of escaping trauma. Being a woman was my way of hiding from the boy/man who’d been hurt. I could’ve used a lot more caution when I made the decision to transition, so I’m glad you’re approaching it with more than I did.
Also, some food for thought: the pain of waiting in dysphoria is better than realizing you’ve changed your body in ways that can’t be undone.
Trauma is trauma. I’d change it if I could but I can’t, so I learn to live with it.
I’m glad you’re taking your time, that’s what’s most important. Only you yourself can ever know who you really are. Yes, who you are is informed by what people around you do and say, but you ultimately decide how you’ll show yourself to the world.
Whether or not you’re considering HRT, I’d encourage you to see a therapist. Being or thinking you’re trans doesn’t make you crazy, but a good therapist will guide you to seeing the difference between being and thinking.
Go easy on yourself.
I think you’re assuming the worst about a lot of people in my life. The person in my life who was most adamant about me being trans was me. The blame is on me because no one forced me to make this decision. I chose. People even told me to be more cautious but I didn’t listen. There was no conspiracy. I made this bed and now I have to lie in it.
I guess I’m lucky because transitioning never made me all that feminine anyways. Plus I think I never really fully committed myself to passing as a women by changing literally everything. As shitty as I feel now it’s also just relieving to feel a bit free from everything I’ve been carrying. Thank you so much
Wow, our stories are shockingly similar. I felt like I wasn’t enough of a man and that I didn’t deserve be a man which stemmed from bullying at school and abuse at home. It just makes you so desperate to get out of your own body that you’ll do anything to make that pain go away, including hormones, surgeries, etc. Even then though you figure out that all that shit doesn’t make the pain go away either.
They had little to do with it either. I wasn’t in the online trans community when I made my decision and all the doctors told me the risks and made it clear I had a choice and I could easily wait if I wanted to. I’m not gonna be some immature little shit and blame everyone else for my problems. I’m the fucking problem.
I can’t tell whether I never grew up or grew up too fast. Probably some combination of the two. I guess I got what I really wanted though, which was someone to talk back to me and tell it like it is. I can see now that I said all this shit to get someone to tell me I’m being an asshole so I could move on from being angry to just being ashamed of myself. I’m sorry
Thank you. I’m not spiraling now. I actually feel really at peace, like things are falling back into place. I’m gonna schedule an appointment with my doctor tomorrow for as soon as I can see him. For now I’ll keep doing my HRT. Maybe I’ll start to slightly decrease my E dosage.
I’m less of a man for not fighting back and defending myself when people hurt, bullied, humiliated, and abused me. I let them do that to me. I could’ve done more to protect myself and I didn’t. And I’m so fucking weak that I can’t even remember all of it, I don’t know what really happened anymore.
I don’t believe BPD is the only reason I transitioned. There’s definitely a lot more to it that I left out in my post because I was more just curious if other people thought BPD affected their decisions about transition.
To be honest, I think MtF fetishization played some role in my transition. I was exposed to that type of porn in high school, and since I was addicted to porn I was looking at it at least every day at some points. It didn’t take long for me to think maybe I liked it because that’s what I am underneath all the smoke and mirrors I show everyone.
I think I wanted to escape the failure of a man that I thought I was and transitioned in hopes of finally finding my real self. But it was just another mirage I tricked myself into believing because the lie was better than what truly is inside me: traumas.
Once I started processing those traumas, I began realizing I might not actually be trans. Being trans was just my way of evading the damaged boy in me who I couldn’t stand to look at. He just wanted love, but I turned my back on him because that’s what everyone else did to him. He was “self-reliant”, “independent”, “normal” in his parents eyes so they didn’t bother taking care of him while his peers thought he was a “girly”, “fatass” “faggot”.
So, I let him fend for himself until he blew up the walls I’d used to compartmentalize and separate him from the new transgender me. Now I’m here because I finally let him speak again. It’s painful, but reconnecting with the part of myself that was neglected and abused is the only way to live a more bearable life.
Sorry, this was a long ass reply and I don’t really know what compelled me to write it all. But thanks for replying to my post.