This story is from the comments by /u/fir3dyk3 that are listed below, summarised with AI.
User Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the extensive comment history provided, this account appears to be authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or a bad-faith actor.
The user, who identifies as a desisted lesbian, demonstrates a consistent, nuanced, and deeply personal perspective over a long period (2019-2022). The comments show:
- Internal Consistency: The user's personal story of identifying as non-binary in college due to social dysphoria and internalized homophobia, then desisting and re-identifying as a lesbian, is repeated and elaborated on with new details over time. Their views on transition, social vs. body dysphoria, and the influence of online ideology remain coherent.
- Personal Investment: The advice given is detailed, tailored to specific situations described by other users, and reflects lived experience (e.g., discussing dating as a lesbian, dealing with male attention, the role of sexuality in grounding one's gender identity).
- Reasonable Passion: The user is critical of certain trans ideologies and medical practices, but this criticism is expressed with nuance, acknowledging that transition can be right for some people while warning against it for others based on their specific circumstances. This aligns with the expected passion and concern of someone who feels they or others were harmed by these ideologies.
- Human-like Digressions: The comments include natural conversational elements, such as recommending specific YouTube channels, acknowledging when a post is long, and sharing minor personal anecdotes beyond the central topic.
In summary, the account exhibits the depth, consistency, and personal reflection of a genuine individual sharing their experiences as a desister.
About me
I started identifying as non-binary in college because I felt trapped by stereotypes about women and wanted to escape the discomfort of being female in a sexist world. I even considered testosterone, but realized I didn't actually want to be seen as male, especially since my sexuality only made sense to me as a woman loving another woman. After graduating, I saw that identifying as non-binary was a pointless coping mechanism because the world still saw me as female. I let go of that identity and the confusing ideology that came with it, which was a huge relief. Now I'm at peace, simply living as a masculine lesbian without needing a special label to justify who I am.
My detransition story
My journey with gender started in college when I was around 19. I began identifying as non-binary. Before that, I knew I was a lesbian, but I got caught up in the idea that gender was just a social construct and that sexuality was a spectrum. I never felt like a binary man or trans masc, just non-binary. A lot of this thinking came from spending too much time on social media, especially Tumblr, and being deep in social justice and queer theory circles.
I struggled a lot during that time. I was depressed and anxious, and I didn't feel like I fit in with other women, especially other lesbians. I felt disconnected from my body, which was made worse by getting unwanted attention from men. I hated being seen as a woman because of the stereotypes and expectations that came with it. Calling myself non-binary felt like an escape; it was a way to reject those expectations and the discomfort I felt.
I even thought about taking testosterone because I admired trans guys and the confidence they seemed to have. But I never went through with it. Deep down, I knew I didn't actually want to look male or be seen as a man. What really kept me grounded was my sexuality. I realized that for me, being with another woman romantically and sexually only felt right if she saw me and desired me as a woman. The idea of being with a woman who saw me as non-binary or male felt completely wrong and foreign.
I also came to understand that a lot of my discomfort wasn't really about my body, but about how society treats women. I didn't like the way men looked at me or the assumptions they made. I felt that identifying out of being a woman was a way to protect myself from that. But it was a coping mechanism, not a solution.
Over time, especially after I graduated college around age 23, I slowly stopped identifying as non-binary. I matured and my mental health improved. I started to see that no matter how I identified, the world was going to see me as female because I wasn't changing my body. I realized that "non-binary" wasn't a real category that people could see—you're either seen as male or female. Calling myself that was pointless if I wasn't going to do anything to change how I was perceived.
I also had a big realization about queer theory and ideology. I saw a lot of contradictions, like non-binary people getting angry when strangers misgendered them, even though they made no effort to look androgynous. It started to feel unrealistic and toxic. I began to detach from those communities and beliefs.
Reclaiming my identity as a lesbian was a huge part of feeling whole again. I had to overcome a lot of internalized lesbophobia. For a while, I even called myself "queer" or "gay" because the word "lesbian" felt loaded with negative stereotypes. Accepting that I was just a masculine, androgynous lesbian—not a special non-binary person—was actually freeing. I didn't need a special label to justify being myself.
I don't regret exploring my gender because it taught me a lot about myself. But I am glad I never medically transitioned. I know that would have been a mistake for me. I see now that my feelings were more about social anxiety, internalized misogyny, and not fitting into stereotypes, rather than a need to actually change my body.
I believe that for a very small number of people with severe body dysphoria, transition might be the right choice. But I think today, many young people, especially girls, are being misled into thinking they are trans when they are just uncomfortable with puberty, societal expectations, or are same-sex attracted. The "no gatekeeping" approach is dangerous. There needs to be more therapy and exploration of underlying issues before anyone makes permanent changes.
Now, I'm comfortable in my skin. I'm a woman, and I'm a lesbian. Those aren't identities I have to feel all the time; they're just facts about me. I focus on living my life without constantly analyzing my gender. My past experiences made me who I am today, and I've found peace with that.
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| 14-18 | Identified as bisexual. |
| 18 | Came out as gay (lesbian) when starting college. |
| 19 | Began identifying as non-binary/queer. Adopted a gender-neutral name at university. |
| 19-22 | Strongly identified as non-binary. Explored but ultimately rejected the idea of taking testosterone. |
| 23 | Graduated college and began to slowly desist from the non-binary identity. |
| 23-24 | Fully stopped identifying as non-binary and reclaimed identity as a lesbian woman. |
Top Reddit Comments by /u/fir3dyk3:
I don’t know your family, but it’s possible that they simply disagree with medical transition and don’t necessarily hate trans people. I know it’s common in trans communities to believe that anyone who disagrees with transitioning or trans ideology must hate trans identified people as people, instead of simply not agreeing with their choices and set of beliefs.
If your family cares about you, they should know not to rub it in your face that you’re not “truly trans.”
women who’ve had mastectomies are still women. you may be seeing getting top surgery as a huge catastrophe right now due to how recent you have had it done and how young you are, but your life as a woman isn’t over. you don’t need a chest in order to be seen as female. trans masc people who bind/have had top surgery often still get read as female in spite of not having a visible chest.
not that you need to reverse the surgery asap, but there are options for you if you do decide that you want a female chest again. it won’t be natural, but neither is your flat chest
People like that are clearly biased. Prior to this whole self id/gender identity craze, if a kid or young person was questioning if they’re LGBT, others in the community wouldn’t project their own experiences onto the questioning person but look at it in a more objective way.
These individuals are treating being trans like it is a club. They (unknowingly) encourage others to join and continue to validate both themselves and others in a symbiotic fashion. It’s all pretty superficial. No reasonable, well adjusted trans person or any other LGB person would just take an impressionable young person’s concerns and immediately confirm that they are not straight or ‘cis’ just for being slightly different from the norm.
sorry if this sounds harsh, but its wrong of you to blame testosterone on you cheating on your gf. that’s a decision you made and you must live with it. you also made the decision to go on testosterone and must live with those physical consequences as well. maybe its easier for you to blame t instead of yourself for your decisions and deteriorating relationship.
It isn’t uncommon for girls and women to sort of idealize the thought of being a gay man, regardless of their own sexual orientation. Effeminate men have a balance of masculinity and femininity that is pretty alluring for some people. Gay men get to be the default sex/gender, which is male, while also being feminine without being female.
Gay men are often infantilized in a sense too, especially if they are in their 20s. They tend to be seen as more youthful and boyish over more masculine men, so there’s also the perception of being prolonged adolescents.
Tbh, I don’t think it’s odd that your dysphoria is still triggered by cis gay men. You spent years identifying as a gay man, so it will take time for your thought processes to adjust to accepting that you aren’t one, even if you consciously do accept that, your subconscious is still reading being a gay man as desirable, perhaps.
I will try to be as delicate with my words as I can, so I really do apologize if my words come across as harsh. There is nothing wrong with being a virgin at your age. It isn't uncommon for people to be late bloomers in life when it comes to relationships and sex. There are plenty of men who have relatively active romantic/sex lives later in life, so it isn't anything to rush into or to feel as if you are left behind. It isn't healthy to get caught up in the appearances of others being happy in a relationship.
It's sometimes easier for more extroverted people to find partners, and it makes sense why. They get energy from socializing with others, so having someone they can talk to and be around for large amounts of time on a regular basis is what drives them. I am also more introverted, and recharge my batteries so to speak while being alone. This isn't to say that I cannot enjoy being around others, because any introvert can; it just takes more energy out of us than it would for non-introverts.
This may be hard to hear, but if your mental health is so wrecked that you cannot hold down a job due to seeing couples, being in a relationship would not be healthy for you or the other person involved in the slightest. It takes someone being healthy and stable alone in order to be in a healthy and stable relationship with another person. Trust me, being in a relationship will not solve your issues, if anything they will compound them immensely because you will be dealing with your own mental health as well as the feelings, emotions, and mental state of a whole other autonomous person.
As for the way you look at women you're interested in, it isn't wise or healthy to become infatuated with someone you barely know, and it sounds as if you were merely attracted to the idea of the girl you had a crush on as a teen rather than actually liking who she was as a person and getting to know her on a personal level. Do not place women on a pedestal just because you *think* they are amazing and wonderful. You can find someone beautiful and still know they are naturally flawed humans just like anyone else.
And finally, it could be your lack of experience with female friendships that prevents you from forming any real friendships with them, sort of like a self-fulfilling prophecy. You don't feel 'good enough' for them on one hand, and it could also be that you expect something other than platonic friendship in return. Female friends aren't to be seen as pre-girlfriends. Try to form legitimate friendships with women you actually share things in common with and allow things to process in a natural and organic way. Rejection may happen, but it happens to anyone and everyone. Learn from your mistakes and keep a neutral outlook instead of seeing yourself as doomed.
As for your medical transition, it doesn't really make sense to have all of these issues surrounding your self worth and perception of dating to only make the prospects of dating even worse for yourself. Straight women are interested in men, sure some may like a feminine looking man, but developing breasts and an MtF appearance isn't usually what they are going for.
It would be wise to work on bettering your mental health and overall well being instead of throwing caution to the wind and hoping your mental health and dating life gets better...
People who support the mainstream stance on medical transition and gender identity don’t want to be presented with anything other than affirmation, unfortunately. There are a minority of people who support trans rights while also being cautious and skeptical of medical intervention for any and all who id as trans.
I had an ex who committed suicide last year just months after getting top surgery. I didn’t keep in contact with him much post our breakup years ago, but to find out that he committed suicide only months after getting top surgery devastated me. Whether or not he still felt male or began doubting his transition, it was obvious that transition didn’t fix his issues
transition and trans identities aside, people often go to the internet for confirmation, not to be told what they don't wish to hear. people want to be soothed into thinking that it's fine to start transitioning even with doubts, and maybe for some it turned out alright, but transition isn't a one size fits all thing and you can't pick and choose which changes you are going to get
Idk how old you are or if you are still living with your dad, but as long as you are living with him, it would probably be best to not discuss your detransition with him, at least not in detail until he is open and willing to hear you out. It sounds as your dad was super invested in your trans identity and doesn’t want to give up the political and social clout that he gained from friends and other parents and those who fully support children medically transitioning.
Another tid bit could be that he cannot grapple with the fact that he made the wrong choice in allowing his kid to medically transition. If a grown individual makes that decision for themselves, that’s primarily on them, but for an adult to green light that for a kid and for the kid to detransition would result in a lot of guilt for that parent.
Idealistically, I think you and your dad would benefit from a non-trans affirming family therapist, but it sounds as if your dad wouldn’t even be interested in seeking out any help that would accept you as not trans.
My advice would to be to not seek the approval or understanding from your father yet and to explore yourself and your thoughts as much as you can without his interference. If that means dressing androgynous when you’re home and around him and something more ‘gendered’ when you are away then that’s all you may be able to do for now.
i agree. i would never want to attack the trans community, but i do feel as if being critical of aspects of the trans movement/ideology isn't "attacking."
there's a lot of misinformation surrounding trans identities and transitioning and there needs to be nuanced discussions going on, especially since more and more younger people are being identifying as trans and beginning to transition when most/all of their information is formed through social media and those with a heavy bias that anyone who thinks they are trans and should transition is and will not ever regret it.