this video is nice, as someone who has personally wasted over a thousand dollars to gender therapists as a teenagere (i was working full time in highschool to afford my own therapy because my mom never would have paid for it), i was just affirmed. affirmed, affirmed, affirmed.

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and the thing is, i was just a little ignorant teenager who had NO idea that MOST therapists have to affirm/thats their protocol/thats how they were trained. i put so much trust into them. i trusted their word, trusted they knew how to handle me, and trusted them when they hinted to me that transitioning is the only way out. they were an "educated adult". i was a teenager working at a dumb fast-food job to hear their supposed wisdom. yeah. their supposed wisdom. that wisdom doesnt exist. and i see that now. their "wisdom" was complete and utter recycled bullshit. know why? because it literally was a chain of ass pulling. some person pulled that info out of their ass, then another person heard that person and pulled the same thing out of their ass, and so on. just a huge chain of people pulling recycled bull shit out of their ass that they heard other people say. now that i'm a little older, i really do feel that 90% of what those therapists said to be are generic, cliche, recycled, cringey stuff you would read online if you google "how to help or talk to a transgender person." now that im older its clear to me that those therapists had no idea what the fuck they were doing, but since i was just a naive child, it took me a long time to REALIZE that, so im sure the therapists didn't mind taking my hard earned money from me while i grew and matured to realize that they have no idea what they are talking about.

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when i told the therapists i have doubts and i really want to see if i can handle the situation by doing something other than transitioning, theyd just say stuff like "studies show the longer you go with dysphoria, the worse it will get" or "how would you like to deal with it other than transitioning?" and i would say " i dont know, i want you to help me figure something out in that regard because i dont know. i want the therapist to help me explore why i feel the way i do and a better how to resolve it than doing something medical"

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i dont remember their exact wording as to what they said to my questions bc its been years and my memory isnt super fresh but i did copy and paste an entire text conversation i had with therapists just to show to myself and others how unhelpful and utterly useless therapists are in helping trans people.

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but the thing is, i dont know if i can hold on. ive been allowed to suffer dysphoria from ages 13 to 19 (current). i worked my ass off to pay for therapy that i had no idea was going to be such utter garbage. young teenage me couldve used all that money for a car, for savings, for something really important like that. instead it was wasted to people who just encouraged me to transition, and would let me talk and vent about my dysphoria, but thats it. they only wanted me to vent about it but they never offered any true help in unwrapping or getting rid of the dysphoria through talk therapy. NONE OF THEM! and i've had like 7 or 8!

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i dont know if i can hold on. i still suffer from dysphoria/delusion. i still suffer it so badly everyday. it caused me to go on hormones for 5 months. but i stopped, due to feeling like i really wanted transitioning to be my last resort. i have always wanted it to be my last resort. but... considering the fact that no little to no therapy exists to get rid of gender dysphoria in people (or atleast lower it), i dont know if i will be able to resist the urge. i probably will transition again. and probably will de-sist and regret it. or, maybe i won't. perhaps i'd be one of the people that feel comfortable and happier doing that to themselves. i think either outcome is equally possible.

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i have been trying to give therapy to myself. im defintely not a therapist just some random 19 year old so i dont really know wtf im doing but im trying. im journaling my thoughts everyday and trying to decode the meaning behind everything i think/say/write down that is relating to this gender thing. i am trying to watch inspiring, strong tomboy influences on the media to hopefully spark some self-confidence in me to be a strong, poweful tomboy. i have cut all contact with anyone online who knew me as trans because i do feel that when people are referring to me as male pronouns and my male chosen name, it solidifies it more in my mind that "yes, i am trans. this is me". and im trying to avoid that. thats not who i am. theres no such thing as a "true you" you just already are you. so if i transition, that won't be the true me. it will just be me being a biological woman who couldnt cope with dysphoria anymore, and therapists were utterly useless, so that person decided to go on hormones in an attempt to live comfortably and blend in as a transman. thats what ill be. if i do transition, ill never deny being a woman. because i know i am one. and im not ashamed to be one. im a woman suffering from gender dysphoria and no one can fucking help me.

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i've been on 2 antidepressants, bc i wanted to see if theyd help my dysphoria at all. nope. lexapro and zoloft. i couldnt try out any OCD meds or anything because i was NOT diagnosed with ocd. just depression and gender dysphoria. i think OCD meds (might) have been a better fit. why? well my gender dysphoria feels more like OCD than depression. its hyper fixation. its strong urges to do compulsions. stuff like that. but i was told gender dysphoria isn't something able to be cured, by medicine, and the best outcome for gender dysphoric people is to transition, medically, socially, or surgically or whatever. i would socially transition, but i look too extremely feminine so it would be impossible. i am not able to look male at all, not in the slightest. thats why the doctors and therapists pushed hormones transition onto me, once i expressed that i look way to feminine and youthful and girly to socially be recognized as a male.

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so anyway i really relate to this video. the only difference between me and the guy in this video is that he recognizes what he did was a mistake and he regrets the path he was led onto. i wasnt on hormones long enough for it to have any emotional, harmful effects that impacted me very bad. all that happened is clit got bigger, more sensitive, dont care about that. voice got a little deeper. still sounds in the female/androgynous range so dont really care. muscle mass increased, but it shrunk now that i've been off hormones. my periods got really light and lasted only 3 days. my period is heavier now. cant say i love that one but anyway my point is, nothing dettrimental happened to me.and since nothing detrimental has happened to me yet, of course im not going to deeply regret it and snap out of this. (because this biggest cause of naivity is not having lived experience and seeing FIRST-HAND how something is dangerous) so perhaps when awful things do begin to happen, that will be the thing that is able to snap me out of this. or.. maybe not. maybe im that deluded. maybe i have a very severe case of dysphoria and i'm doomed to live life as a woman taking testosterone forever because therapists are too stupid and useless and ignorant and dumb to help me and gosh how i wish i could get all my thousands of dollars back but i fucking cant, ive been robbed so much money all for nothing.

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i want to do whatever i can to be comfortable in who i am how i naturally am because im a big beleiver that the key to happiness is authenticity. and if im only able to be comfortable in myself by taking a hormone and making that hormone be several times the multiplication factor of how it would naturally occur in me, if only then i feel comfortable with myself, something about that, it just really strikes me as being complete and utter fake comfort/false happiness. the type of fake comfort that feels so good in the moment and feels so good while it lasts. but when youre alone on your deathbed, or even just alone at night in your room suffering from health effects that resulted from the hormones, it doesnt feel so comforting anymore, it feels empty, cold, like you wish you didnt have to take hormones in order to feel comfortable and not feel like you are suffering. i want true authentic happiness. but for people who cant achieve authentic happiness, false/fake happiness and comfort is usually the second best option. i really want to avoid having to choose the route of false happiness. so i really am trying to do anything or everything that i can. im trying to do everything that the therapists didnt do for me. and wouldnt do for me, on my own.

i agree that being trans is only something people should do if they are truly struggling with it.

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but i think a lot of detrans people really DID struggle. its not like they woke up one day and said "i hate pink. let me go transition" or "i dont like girly stuff, let me go transition."

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no, people who transition usually had years of questioning, pain, confusion, and in some cases trauma that was hurting them. and a lot of them truly did have gender dysphoria.

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gender dysphoria will attatck anyone and everyone. anyone it wants. no one is safe. no one ever asks to get gender dysphoria. the only difference between Buck and some other people, is that sometimes, other peopeles dysphoria was caused by some other issue that was presenting itself as dypsphoria

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i just dont want it to seem like "real trans people' had it way harder, way worse, etc, than detrans or questioning people. i just dont beleive it for a second. "real trans" people just maybe dont have other huge underlining issues that made their gender experience a lot more complicated and confusing to navigate

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a lot of people seem to think if someone de-transitions that means "oh so you never really struggled to begin with. you always had it easy as the cis person you aree"

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first of all a lot of detrans people dont even identify with or relate to being cis. second off, they did struggle. A LOT. maybe even worse than "real trans" people did. and third of all, dysphoria has several reasons. additionally, there are a lot of situations of disorders that can PRESENT itself as dysphoria.

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it is never the persons fault of not being correct about their gender identitity, and its never their fault for being confused. i dont see Buck Angel as having it worse. sure its easy to look at the people transitioning now and think they arent suffering. you have NO idea what they have been through. a lot of the females transitioning nowadays have a lot of trauma (not all of them but some). they deserve to be supported and comforted, not have their lives be made worse. its not their fault that gender dysphoria crept into their brain. gender dysphoria is never the persons fault

This was a really amazin story, I loved each word of it. I like how you explained exactly what led up to it and your slow realization of "this isnt the cure i thought it would be"

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i do wish you talked a little more about how exactly you grew to like yourself and be completely accepting of your gender of female, it is my impression that perhaps you never truly felt disdain towards being female in the first place, you just thought that you did bc you were in that fantasy Tumblr crap, but as someone who is gender questioning and goes back and forth constantly over whether i wanna go on hormones or not, i always enjoy hearing peoples gender de transition stories. its always usually the same thing. it always goes like this:

1.i had a rough teenagehood

2. found out about trans people

3. transitioned

4. mental health declined OR realized transitioning made things harder for me

5. detransitioned

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and thats it. for gender questioning people we dont have the experience of LIVING that regret so i would have prefered to get a little more knowledge on what exactly was going through your head and brain while you were going through the identity shift from transman to a woman again. i think detrans people probably relate and understand a lot more than someone like me (who still frequently wants to go on testosterone all the time). perhaps this is a sort of thing where "you have to live through it in order to discover your true feelings about it?"

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anyway your story was really interesting, even if i dont exactly relate to your reasons of de-transitioning, it was still very insightful and very very interesting to read and im truly glad you like yourself know and have learned this lesson you truly needed to learn. you and the friend you mentioned in the story (i think the name was Jamie, my memory is terrible). and i know tons of people whose story matches super smiliarly to yours. the mental breakdowns, panic attack-like symptoms, all of that. de-transitioning usually is such a learning experience for people and makes them come out a lot wiser and self-assured, than before.

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and yes i did transition but only for 5 months. i felt calm on T because i felt like i was becoming who i "want to be". i only stopped due to not wanting to regret it farther down the line. because usually it takes 1-3 years of being on hormones for people to begin to regret it. i dont feel like 5 months was enough for me to "learn my lesson"

and better at dealing with physical pain, and stronger immune systems, and estrogen that acts as a protector against heart issues.

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and yes the greater endurance thing, for a wide variety of physical activities and tasks, is very true. smaller bodies are burning less energy off so they can last a lot longer. bigger people tend to be a bit slower and burn out faster. smaller people tend to be quicker, faster, and last longer with an abundance of energy left to spare.

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brilliant idea. : ) i think focusing on things women are better at doing, and their body is better at doing biologically speaking, could be helpful, or atleast make it less painful to deal with, for this person struggling.

you should keep your ovaries, yes. if it's not necessary to get rid of a bodily organ, it's rarely a good idea. organs have several functions and it's always best to leave them in, unless the situation is dire and there is high health risk to keep them in the body.

i went through that except the opposite lol. growing up as a female, i noticed i was pressured to be moree soft and gentle and sweet and emotional. people dont really like females that act logical and not very caring/emotional.

i always had men tell me "women are priveledged bc they get to show emotion" but i would always say "but i dont want to show emotion."

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idk if im on the spectrum or what i am, but my blunt personality hasnt ever really fit my feminine, youthful appearance on the outside. therefore i guess that contributed to me beleiving "i must be a man because i'm not emotion/sweet/nurturing, i am more of a tough, resilient person who likes to protect."

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obviously thats not what my true thought processign was but i think its possible that was some subconsious beleif in the back of my brain.

yes. how do i know? well there are detrans people online and on youtube who have partners.

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and plus, i'd date a girl with a man voice and male name. i literally would not care at all. so considering the fact that i'd date someone like that with no issue, my answer is yes.

so if im understanding your comments correctly you aree saying that you are an AMAB biological male who looks very feminine and always struggled to pass as a male, so that led you , among other things, to transition into a female but you are now reverting back into a male again?

I think my gender dysphoria was the result of more than one things i will rank a few from a scale of biggest influence and smallest influence.

1. being over-feminized as a kid
2. being a gay gender non comforming person in a heteronomative, gender-stereotypical world
3. roleplaying/presenting as a boy so much in my young developmental years (the years when the brain is forming an identity) that it began to make my brain actually internalize it as my identity.

i will explain the above points in more detail.

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1.) as a kid, my mom put a ton of feminine stereotypes onto me, as long with feminine expectations, she would describe me to others as a very feminine sweet little girl, and dress me in sickengly feminine clothing up until i was old enough to afford my own damn clothes. i beleive she did this because my two older sisters are tomboys and i think my mom wanted a feminine daughter, so maybe she was scared she'd have another tomboy, and tried to force an over-feminine identity on me. it backfired, and all it did was make me despise feminine things and associate feminime things with feeling controlled. once i got my own money, i bought "tomboy" clothes. my mom was notciably disappointed but oh well. she was also very shocked and upset when i cut my hair.

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2.) i feel like the second one is self explanatory. growing up GNC but also gay is a DOUBLE mind fuck bc you basically contradict and go against everything a woman is supposed to be. that can create some identity issues. navigating as a young GNC gay is hard.

3.) i began to present/act as/identify as a boy at around 12 up until... 18-19. i have way more experiences with friends, and a lot more social interactions with people who saw me as/validated me as a BOY than a girl in my whole teenhood, so that made it feel like i didnt know how to "be" a girl bc i was so used to friendships/interactions where people treated me as a boy, and being treated that way for so long just made it ingrained into my identity.

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i identify as a woman who wants to go on T, but stopped T due to feeling like i was not mentally sane enough to be making such a huge choice. whether i go on T again or not, i still never was the type of trans person to deny that im a woman, i know im a woman, but my thinking was "sure im a woman but not everyone has to "know" that"

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and to answer the other part of your question, my dysphoria is not healed, its still there so i cant rly help with the other part of ur question

i dont know why its allowed. im sorry you had to go through that. being allowed to do something you feel you werent in the correct headspace to do can feel very unsafe, for sure. maybe they should increase the age to 21. some people would argue that they think the age should be 25. in my opinion i'd say 21 just because there are so many other body modification plastic surgeries that exist out there so it would be a little hypocritical for them to ban the top surgery modification and keep all the other ones like getting devil horn implants inserted into your head

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and there should be REAL therapy beforehand not just therapy where they affirm you and make you vent. unforuntely therapy for gender questioning ppl tends to be close to useless