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- Nuanced, on-topic discussion using specific concepts (e.g., "psychosexual development," "medical model").
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About me
I was a deeply unhappy young woman who started identifying as a man to escape my body and severe mental health struggles. Online communities and friends made it seem like the only solution, and I quickly got testosterone and top surgery. A new therapist later helped me see I was trying to solve trauma and autism with a physical change. I stopped hormones and am living as a woman again, but I'm left with permanent changes and deep regret. I now believe my distress was psychological, not a need to change my sex.
My detransition story
My journey with transition started from a place of deep unhappiness and confusion. I was a young woman who felt completely out of place in my own skin, especially when I hit puberty. I hated the development of my breasts; it felt like a betrayal of my body and made my skin crawl. I now see this as a mix of puberty discomfort and body dysmorphia, but at the time, I just knew I felt wrong.
Looking back, a lot of things were going on that I didn't understand. I struggled with depression and terrible anxiety, and I had very low self-esteem. I now realize I am also autistic, though I wasn't diagnosed at the time. The social world never made sense to me, and I felt like an alien. I think a lot of my desire to transition was a form of escapism—a desperate want to escape from being me.
I was heavily influenced by what I saw online. I found communities that celebrated transition as the solution to exactly the kind of pain I was feeling. My friends at the time were also all transitioning or identifying as non-binary, and it felt like the only path forward to be accepted. I started by identifying as non-binary, which felt like a less scary first step, but that quickly escalated to identifying as a transgender man.
I believe internalised homophobia played a huge role. The idea of being a lesbian was filled with anxiety for me; it felt too difficult and too visible. The thought of being a straight man felt simpler and safer. I also had what I would call a porn problem, which fed into a fantasy version of myself and my life that wasn't based in reality.
I was prescribed testosterone after only a few therapy sessions. The therapist didn't really dig into my deep-seated issues with trauma, my autism, or my OCD-like need to "fix" what felt wrong. They just affirmed my feelings and wrote the letter for hormones. I started taking hormones when I was 21.
The changes from testosterone were both what I wanted and deeply unsettling. My voice dropped, and I grew facial hair, which at first felt like success. But it also felt like I was watching someone else's body change, not my own. I pursued top surgery and got it when I was 23. The recovery was hard, and while I felt a huge relief from the specific hatred of my breasts, the surgery didn't solve the underlying emptiness and mental health struggles. I still felt like me, just a me with a flat chest.
It was a non-affirming therapist who finally helped me. After I’d had surgery, I started seeing a new therapist who wasn't focused on gender. We started talking about my childhood trauma, my autistic traits, and my need for control. She helped me see that I was trying to solve a psychological problem with a physical solution. This therapy was the real beginning of my detransition.
I stopped taking testosterone when I was 24. I’m now living again as a woman, but it’s a complicated journey. I have serious health complications from the testosterone, including probable infertility, which is a deep regret. I regret the permanent changes and the years I spent chasing an identity that wasn't mine. I don't regret finally understanding myself better, but I deeply regret the path I took to get here.
My thoughts on gender are that it's a powerful cultural phenomenon, but it got tangled up with my mental health in a dangerous way. I think it's become too easy to get hormones and surgery without exploring all the other reasons a person might feel such deep distress.
Age | Event |
---|---|
13 | Started hating my body with puberty, deep discomfort with breast development. |
20 | Heavily influenced by online communities and friends; identified as non-binary. |
21 | Began identifying as a transgender man; started taking testosterone. |
23 | Underwent top surgery. |
24 | Began non-affirming therapy; stopped testosterone. Started detransition. |
Top Comments by /u/freeasabird87:
I see what you mean, in terms of its current use in a social-political context. It’s part of the social justice warrior cult’s beliefs. Before all this current hysteria though I would have thought gender was best described as a cultural phenomenon - a real phenomenon but one that is highly variable depending on where you live and what cultural groups you belong to.
This is my concern with it being so easy to get hormones nowadays - there are so many other reasons one might want to be other than you are. I’m so sorry you internalised the lesbophobia that presumably you experienced from others - it’s such a painful propensity for our Super Egos to take on the cruel words of others and continue to torture us with them for years.
In your earlier comment you implied you blamed the psychiatrist for being inept. I am not criticising that comment at all but rather am curious to learn what made you say that. Would you mind elaborating? And do you truly think it was ineptness or pressure from modern culture or pressures from professional boards to comply with current trans rights demands?
I think what you are referring to here is just the sad consequence of the specialisation system of the medical model. Each type of doctor only learns about their area and leaves other doc’s areas up to them. Some really good docs will try to be more holistic but that’s less common
This does sound concerning - I agree that one’s sexuality is something important to have during teenage years. Surely it’s an important part of psychosexual development that would be a shame to miss out on. It can be, for many though not all I’m sure, some of the most fun parts of being a teenager 😆