Thanks for your comment. I have had some anxiety-inducing interactions with older men in the past year, the most notable one being this time I was at a bar with a friend, and this man comes up behind me and says “how you doin’ gorgeous” like over and over again. Basically all I did was ignore him, pretend he wasn’t there. I was definitely terrified but I knew that I was safe because the bartender made it clear earlier that he wasn’t going to let anything bad happen, when he scolded another customer for touching someone repeatedly on the shoulder.

Not sure if that answers your question 😅 but basically another thing I do is remind myself that I don’t owe anyone anything, ever, especially when it comes to my own body.

My situation was very similar to yours, although I was only on HRT for about a month and a half. I had struggled a lot with the “reasons” for my gender dysphoria too — was it innate, or could I possibly have been a victim of CSA, and thus struggled with low self esteem, internalized misogyny, etc.? I later realized that I had a lot of repressed trauma from my childhood. That’s the tricky part when you’re in the middle of a transition and doubting it… when you have repressed trauma you literally can’t figure it out until the trauma starts to come to the surface.

Yeah, in my experience it’s super frustrating when you just want to be treated with the same amount of basic respect that men seem give to men — is that so hard to ask for in a romantic relationship? 🙃 totally feel your pain in terms of the infantilization thing

It’s good that you’re taking time to figure out if transition is right for you.

For me, the main thing was that I didn’t want to be a woman (initially) which made wanting to be a man seem like the only other option at the time. But ultimately my issues with being a woman stemmed from early childhood sexual abuse and internalized misogyny. Can’t say that this is the case for everybody, but just make sure to go with your gut especially if you have experienced anything remotely similar here, or if you suspect that you have.

It can be really tricky to determine what’s causing gender dysphoria sometimes… for me it was still definitely that I had gender dysphoria, but it was a coping mechanism so I could survive mentally. Granted, I had to socially transition (and even a bit physically) in order to physically feel safe in my own body and be able to process what I had been through. For that reason, I don’t regret my transition at all. So, it’s really quite different for everybody.

I believe that everyone experiences consciousness differently, and that it is impossible for anyone to understand how another person experiences consciousness. (We may know a lot about the brain, but consciousness is very different)

I believe that my transition was something that I needed, at the time. I had been seriously considering the idea of transitioning for about 5 years, and it was something that had always been in the back of my mind for most of my life — that I’d rather be a boy.

These thoughts were simply not going to go away, until I tried it out. Due to some trauma I experienced at a young age, I believe that my younger self developed mentally to understand the world from the perspective of a “boy” to protect myself. (“Boy” as in, opposite of a girl, because I really didn’t want to be a girl. And this was the best way I could conceptualize it at the time)

So, I had to transition to get to where I am now — I am now 11 months post detransition (it was mostly a social detransition as I had only done T in the beginning of my transition journey, for a couple months, but things got complicated with the pharmacy and my insurance so I decided to try it later. Obviously I will not be trying it again though 😆)

If I hadn’t done everything I’ve done so far in my life, I wouldn’t be where I am now. I can finally say that I love my body, my voice, my self etc. This is the first year ever where I could confidently say that. But ironically enough, again, I really don’t think I could have gotten to this point if I hadn’t been through my transition, and fully seen and understood that my issues were much deeper than being transgender.

Granted, it does help that I didn’t have many permanent body changes, aside from slightly more malleable boobs from binding, and maybe a bit more body hair than I had before — but nothing major.

All that being said, I think it’s entirely possible for someone’s brain to develop as understanding the world from the viewpoint of a certain gender. It certainly happened to me, only this was a part of my childhood that I was stuck on, and needed to experience before I could move on.

Even if gender is a man made construct, constructs are the only way we humans know how to understand the world around us, which affects how our brains are wired and how our consciousness develops as young children. As neuroplasticity is higher among children than adults, I think it would make sense that some children develop an understanding of the world with a certain brain structure, or even a certain state of consciousness, that is difficult to change later on in life.

Granted, I do believe that there’s a LOT of people identifying as trans, who may be in a similar boat as me, and just need to experience it before going back to identifying as cis and working out those deeper levels of consciousness. It can be very healing ultimately, but in this case, I’d say that only a social transition would be necessary— thus reducing any permanent effects, should the transition be temporary. And I guess a good way to figure out who is trans and who is not, would be to slow down the process for HRT eligibility… have people socially transition for a couple years, THEN see if they want to try hormones. And even then, a low dose.

OP, I’ve been in your shoes before (except opposite situation, because I’m a female). I remember thinking that I couldn’t possibly live as a female, because the pressure of doing so was just too much. I saw things very much in black and white.

But the world isn’t black and white. The world isn’t even “man” and “woman,” honestly. There’s a lot of intersex people out there who choose not to identify as either, because quite simply, they (physically) fall in the middle of the binary. I agree that “man” and “woman” is a dichotomy that exists and should be acknowledged, but I also think there’s some grey area that exists within the dichotomy. And the same goes for how you choose to express yourself. Sure, it’s more common in western societies for men to be super “masculine,” but that doesn’t mean it’s what is “right.” If you grew up in various indigenous cultures, centuries ago, you actually would have had a lot more freedom in terms of gender expression.

I think honestly, just accepting yourself as a man, first and foremost, would be a good first step. Don’t worry about all of the other stuff that comes with it. You’ll figure out which path is best for you, with time. Feel free to DM me if you need someone to talk to.

I live in America, there’s a wide variety of gender expression here. And while unfortunately there is some truth to the fact that dressing as a feminine man can put someone in danger here, there’s also lots of spaces here where it’s completely safe to do so. Even then, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with YOU— there’s actually just something wrong with the people who are choosing to be violent.