genderaffirming.ai 

Reddit user /u/gelberi's Detransition Story

Transitioned: 26 -> Detransitioned: 27
female
low self-esteem
hated breasts
took hormones
regrets transitioning
puberty discomfort
anxiety
only transitioned socially
This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
On Reddit, people often share their experiences across multiple comments or posts. To make this information more accessible, our AI gathers all of those scattered pieces into a single, easy-to-read summary and timeline. All system prompts are noted on the prompts page.

Sometimes AI can hallucinate or state things that are not true. But generally, the summarised stories are accurate reflections of the original comments by users.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious

Based on the provided comments, this account appears authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or an inauthentic detransitioner/desister.

The user's comments demonstrate:

  • A consistent, nuanced, and personal narrative of questioning, pausing transition, and desisting.
  • Deep engagement with complex emotional and medical aspects of the experience.
  • Self-reflection and advice that evolves over time, which is atypical for scripted bots.
  • A tone that aligns with a passionate individual who has lived this experience, including the noted frustration with ideologues on the subreddit.

About me

I started my transition because I felt uncomfortable with the expectations placed on me as a woman and thought changing my body was the answer. I began living as a man at work, but I found the social pressure and the feeling of being in a painful "middle space" overwhelming. A turning point was realizing I could be a masculine woman, which felt more powerful and authentic than trying to be a man. I stopped my transition, and to my surprise, my life improved immensely as I reconnected with my old self. Now, I'm at peace, living freely as a butch woman and finally feeling in control of my own happiness.

My detransition story

My journey with gender started because I felt like it was okay to change my body if I thought I'd be better off in another one. I was born female, and for a long time, I felt a lot of discomfort with the expectations that came with that, especially during and after puberty. I hated my breasts and felt trapped by femininity. I think a lot of my feelings were tied to a deep-seated low self-esteem and anxiety about where I fit in the world.

I started my transition socially, first by changing my appearance to be more gender-neutral and using a nickname at work. People started asking about my pronouns, and I told them I preferred male ones. Many of my coworkers assumed this was my first time transitioning, and I didn't correct them. It felt like a way to finally take control.

But as I moved further into living as a man, things got harder, not easier. I found that trying to be resocialized as male was incredibly difficult. I felt like I was putting my entire life on hold, waiting for some future point after medical transition when everything would finally be okay. I was in a kind of "middle space," and it was one of the most painful times of my life—socially, emotionally, and physically. I was desperate to take action, but I felt blocked.

A big turning point for me was realizing that my body is naturally somewhat masculine, and that I could express that masculinity as a woman. I looked at myself and realized there was nothing innately “male” about my masculinity. In fact, trying to be a man made me feel less masculine. When I was presenting as male, I felt alienated and vulnerable; it was a violent experience where I felt powerless and on the bottom of the world. I felt far more masculine and powerful as a butch woman than I ever did trying to be a man.

I also had serious doubts about the medical aspects. I looked into top surgery, but the surgical options for trans men seemed imperfect to me. The idea of bottom surgery seemed so far from what I actually wanted that it didn't feel worth it. I was also terrified of the legal and document changes, and the idea of living in a halfway state with the consequences of surgery that might not be good.

I decided to pause my transition and, essentially, detransition. I stopped making an effort to present as male and just reconnected with my old life, telling very few people. It was scary—letting go of that hope for a transformed future felt like a kind of death. But the opposite happened. My life improved immeasurably. I could speak to people without worrying about how my voice was perceived. I could socialize, make new friends, and finally live my life instead of waiting for it to start. I found a new sense of control and happiness I never thought was possible.

My thoughts on gender now are that we are free beings. It was fine for me to transition, and it was fine for me to detransition. My anarchist beliefs are central to this; I believe in the freedom to choose your own path. For me, living as a butch woman is simply easier and more fulfilling than living as a trans man. People are much more at ease around me now that my outside presentation matches what they expect. My dysphoria has largely gone back to a dormant state.

I don’t regret exploring transition. I needed to do it to understand myself better. But I also don't regret stopping. It was the right choice for my mental health and my life. The journey was traumatic and involved a lot of pain, but it led me to a place where I finally feel powerful and at peace with myself.

Age Event
26 Began social transition: changed appearance to gender-neutral, used a male nickname and pronouns at work.
27 Paused medical transition due to doubts about surgery and difficulty with social reorientation. Began to detransition socially.
28 Fully desisted. Living comfortably as a masculine woman; dysphoria is dormant.

Top Comments by /u/gelberi:

17 comments • Posting since March 8, 2019
Reddit user gelberi comments on a detransitioner's post, sharing their own experience as a desisted person, noting that their dysphoria became dormant and that people are more at ease with them now.
27 pointsNov 17, 2019
View on Reddit

Hugs. I love that people are respecting your request so far. I was scared for you when I opened this thread, because I also see a looooot of bias here.

I'm currently desisted, and documents are one of the chief reasons for me not going further with medical transition. Like you, I don't want to live in a halfway state or with the consequences of not-very-good surgery, and my transition journey has also been traumatic and violent.

I can't tell you what to do, but I know that my dysphoria has largely gone back to the dormant state it was in before I began to think hard about it.

People still respect the pronouns I offered them when I began transition, so much so that I actually had to alert someone that they had changed the other night, when they kindly offered me my transitioned pronouns.

This person, who had previously been stiff and awkward with me, sent me a jokey text the next day. I've in general noticed people feeling much more at ease around me as a nonbinary or desisted person than as a binary trans person. I think people like it when your outside matches how they're supposed to think of you.

Reddit user gelberi explains their experience of stopping transition, finding happiness by reconnecting with friends, focusing on life goals, and wearing clothes that fit, rather than waiting for a "normal life" after medical procedures.
19 pointsJun 11, 2019
View on Reddit

Hey. I'll try and get my headspace back into where it was before I read the other comments on this page.

I respect your experiences. I'm sorry to hear you've had such struggles.

I don't have direct experience of most of them, but I do know what it's like to be in that "middle space", where you can't pursue a normal life as either a man or a woman.

I found it was one of my life's harder experiences. I was in physical, social and emotional pain, and desperate to take actions that were blocked. I was putting off my life until after I had transitioned, and transition wasn't moving forward, so neither was my life. A significant birthday was the catalyst for me to reconsider. I stopped making an effort to present as the opposite gender, reconnected with old friends, and told no-one.

I am able to speak to people without worrying about how my voice is perceived, which means I can socialise, make new friends, and generally have good experiences going through the world, rather than having to be quiet and withdrawn. My life has improved immeasurably now that I can fill it with light, events, and people, rather than waiting in my home for surgical and hormonal rapture into a normal life.

I was so worried about what would happen if I went back - the idea of "letting go" of hope felt like certain death - but on the contrary, I have found new hope here. Rather than letting go of a decision to take control of my life, my control has crept back in different forms.

I believe that it's possible for gender transition to be one response to a life crisis. If so, you may well be right that life prior to your decision was untenable, and something needed to be done - but if transition is impossible right now, maybe there are routes to making it life bearable other than transition? If you're putting off career or social or hobby things till after you've transitioned, what if you put the focus on them now?

In terms of what I've kept: like you, I don't have a body that's representative of my birth gender, and clothes for my birth gender don't fit me well. I've carried on wearing the wardrobe of the opposite gender, nobody has noticed, and I look great. I'd recommend carrying on if it suits you.

I wish you so much luck! I too have struggled with suicidal ideation my whole life. I find these days that the more people are in my life, and the busier I am, the better I feel, to the point where I currently feel a happiness and self-respect that was unimaginable to me before. I'm sure I'll feel suicidal again, as it's a mental habit, but it's good for me to know that happiness is possible.

Chat to me any time you need to, and let me know if there's anything I haven't covered in my rambling - I'm sure there is.

Reddit user gelberi comments on questioning transition, suggesting trying on masculinity as a personality type while female.
10 pointsMay 26, 2019
View on Reddit

If you detransition, you'll be in the same situation as a trans man - taking T etc. Not the worst, I guess? Maybe try on masculinity as a personality type - you can still do that as a girl. Are you feeling trapped in femininity? Because I totally feel you.

Reddit user gelberi comments on post-operative dysphoria, advising that despair and horror can fade after pain subsides and discussing imperfect surgeries, HRT balance, and the value of talking to other post-op AMAB individuals.
9 pointsMay 26, 2019
View on Reddit

I totally feel you. Bottom surgery (I'm AFAB) seemed so imperfect to me that I just didn't feel like it was even worth it. I feel like a lot of the discourse is irresponsible - when people cry "you can just be a girl/boy!", it masks the enormous challenges involved.

Things that occur to me:

- AMAB folks talking about post-operative dysphoria, despair, horror that they've made a mistake (less gender dysphoria, more dysphoria with the world), which faded once the pain and the painkillers left their systems. You sound recently post-op, and I've definitely heard this before, and I've definitely heard of it fading.

- I would consider talking to other post-op AMAB transitioners about this, as I think they'll share a lot of your experiences. From what I've seen, in surgery subs it's really widely discussed.

- Poorly balanced hormones for HRT (fixable) causing depression and emotional mess, like constant PMS.

- At least you won't have to dilate forever? And non-trans people also have to take injectable meds.

- I find this stuff gets worse when you spend a lot of time online reading? I am pre, though, so let me know if this is still valid.

- Advice bandied in AFAB detrans circles about loving your body and accepting your gender regardless of its characteristics. I guess that could potentially fly whichever way you choose, at this point? Regardless of which you "really" are, what would you rather be?

I hope I'm helping, not shutting you down. Use me as a bag to let stuff out on if you need to, only way I can learn how to help.

Reddit user gelberi explains that some people detransition multiple times or use a 'trial year' to be certain, but notes the immense effort and trauma often leaves people unable to repeat the process.
9 pointsMay 28, 2019
View on Reddit

There are people who change their mind repeatedly. There are also people who transition socially, then decide to try living for a year as their assigned gender to make certain, before deciding they do want to transition.

I think full transition and detransition involves so much effort and associated trauma that very often people have no more fight in them after doing it once.

Reddit user gelberi explains the difference between suicide prevention hotlines for active plans and volunteer counseling services for those with a high risk.
8 pointsJun 11, 2019
View on Reddit

Suicide prevention hotlines are usually recommended when someone is actively suicidal, i.e. has a plan and an intention to carry it out. By contrast, in situations like this where OP has only said their risk of suicide is high, volunteer counselling services (like 7Cups) allow listeners to continue talking to the person.

Reddit user gelberi comments on the changing nature of the detrans subreddit, expressing that it has become more "weird and ideological" and is no longer a good place for like-minded trans people with doubts to discuss their experiences.
6 pointsJun 17, 2019
View on Reddit

You sound so much more switched on than most people here. Maybe I'm biased, because I really empathise with what you're saying.

I feel like a few months back this was a great place to find like-minded trans people who were having doubts, and to discuss them, and now it's become so much more weird and ideological. I'm not sure if that's just in my head.

I think the ideologues just need to leave us to discuss among ourselves, because these direct experience posts are the ones that make most sense to us.

Reddit user gelberi comments on reproductive desires, explaining their personal aversion to pregnancy but desire to have their partner's child, and suggests meditation on the root of that desire as an alternative to transition.
6 pointsMay 16, 2019
View on Reddit

Reproduction is definitely a weird one. I am very skeeved out by the idea of childbirth, huge boobs, lactation, having a baby inside me, but when I met my partner and we built a home together, suddenly I wanted to have his child.

If you're meditating and it's causing you to think about why you wanted to transition, maybe meditate on why you feel the need to have your own child? Within Buddhism, it would still be considered an attachment, just as much as transition would be (not that you're Buddhist necessarily, but Buddhism is lovely).

I have decided to adopt, and I find that also ok. Yes, I would like to meet my/my partner's child, but meeting a child we raise is still good. People are wonderful. Knowing a person you have raised from childhood will be, I'm sure, extraordinary.

Reddit user gelberi explains why an 'anarchist' political option should be added to a detransition survey, as it's a confounding factor for why they haven't shifted their views on transition.
5 pointsMay 28, 2019
View on Reddit

It might be useful to add an "anarchist" option. My anarchism is relevant to why I haven't shifted my views.

To me, it was fine to transition and then detransition, because we are free beings. Responders under the socialism/communism category who don't have a libertarian component to their worldview may feel differently.

In stats, this is called a confounding factor.

Reddit user gelberi comments on a detransitioner's post, relating to their naturally masculine body and pausing transition to avoid male resocialization.
4 pointsMar 9, 2019
View on Reddit

Thank you for this! I'm in a similar situation to yours in that my body is naturally masculine to an extent, and I found reading your reasoned account really enlightening.

What were your reasons for detransitioning? My reasons for pausing revolve around feeling comfortable as a female-socialised person and not wanting to undergo the difficulty of being resocialised male. I've wanted to spend a period reidentified myself.