This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, the account appears authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or inauthentic.
The user's posts are highly detailed, emotionally complex, and introspective, showing a nuanced personal journey with detransition. The language is natural, varied, and reflects the passion and pain typical of someone who has experienced this specific harm. The account consistently discusses the psychological and physical impacts of transition and detransition from a first-person perspective, which is difficult to fake convincingly.
About me
I started questioning my gender after childhood trauma resurfaced, and I was heavily influenced by friends and online content. I transitioned to male, taking testosterone and having top surgery, but it only made me feel more numb and disconnected from my body. I now realize my dysphoria was actually deep-seated dissociation from trauma and discomfort with female puberty. I’ve detransitioned and am learning to live as a woman again, though I have deep regrets about my surgery. My journey has taught me that true healing comes from confronting your past, not running from it.
My detransition story
My journey with transition and detransition has been a long and painful one, and it's taken me a long time to understand what really happened. Looking back, I see that I was mentally very unstable for a long time, since I was about 11 years old. I had a very shaky sense of self and couldn't even recognize myself in the mirror. I was deeply unhappy and had been self-destructive for about ten years. I desperately wanted to be anyone else but the woman I was.
A big part of this was trauma. Right before I started considering transition, I began having fractured flashbacks of sexual abuse from my childhood, which really messed me up. I now understand that I was extremely disconnected from my body because of this trauma, and also because of the general misogyny and discomfort that came with going through female puberty. I hated my breasts and felt sexualized by men. I think my "gender dysphoria" was actually a combination of this dissociation and a form of body dysmorphia.
I was also heavily influenced from the outside. Some of my friends were transitioning, and I saw a lot of trans content online. I kept seeing the phrase, "if you think you might be trans, you are trans," which I now know isn't true at all. I started to build a convincing life story where all the signs pointed to me being transgender, even though I had a lot of doubts. I was told those doubts were just "internalized transphobia," so I ignored them. The decision to transition felt impulsive in hindsight, even though it didn't seem that way at the time.
Once I started taking testosterone, things got worse in a way I didn't expect. The hormones made me even more disconnected from what I was actually feeling. I became numb, and it took me years to realize that testosterone wasn't right for me. In the beginning, I even had panic attacks and trauma flashbacks where I would beg my partner to call me by my old name because my new name felt so unsettling. I'd wake up confused, feeling like a stranger in my own life, but I pushed those feelings down.
I ended up having top surgery, a double mastectomy. Now, my feelings about it are mixed. There are days I love my flat, androgynous chest. I enjoy being able to go swimming or running without a shirt and without men staring at my breasts. But there are also days when I weep because the scars remind me of how my body has been violated. I miss the natural proportions of my body and my natural, unscarred breasts. I regret that surgery. I think a breast reduction would have been a much better option for me, or, even better, proper trauma therapy and somatic therapy to help me feel connected to my body again.
What really started to change things for me was a kind of spiritual awakening, an ego death. I realized that I am not the stories or identities I create in my mind. I began to understand how my female body and all the trauma associated with it had shaped me, and that trying to escape into a male identity wasn't healing me. A healthy identity has to be built by owning your past, not by running from it.
I do have regrets. I wish I had never transitioned. I feel like the idea came from the outside, not from a true place inside me. I lost friends, especially from the trans community I was part of, which later ostracized and harassed me when I started to detransition. I've become closer to my family again, but I have very few friends now.
If I could give advice to anyone questioning, it would be to take your time. Your feelings about gender and sexuality change and evolve, especially when you're young. You can be androgynous or masculine or feminine without being trans. Don't rush into medical changes. If you feel disconnected from your body or "in your head" all the time, focus on getting grounded—through exercise, massage, breathing—before you consider permanently altering your body. Your dysphoria might actually be dissociation.
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| 11 | Started feeling mentally unstable and disconnected from my body. |
| Around 21 | Began having flashbacks of childhood sexual abuse; started questioning my gender heavily influenced by friends and online communities. |
| Around 22 | Started taking testosterone and socially transitioning. |
| Around 23 | Had top surgery (double mastectomy). |
| Around 27 | Underwent a spiritual awakening/ego death; began to understand the role of trauma and dissociation; started detransitioning. |
| 29/30 (Present) | Living as a woman again, dealing with the mixed feelings and physical scars from my transition. |
Top Comments by /u/godwipeusaway:
One problem for me was that hrt made me even more disconnected from what I was actually feeling and I was so numb it took me years to realize testosterone wasn't right for me. It's also possible to be so exited at first for trying out something new that you don't actually notice what's happening on some deeper level.
It's been a roller coaster. Right now I'm once again googling about reconstruction surgery techniques and pictures although I'm pretty sure I don't want to have any surgeries ever again, because I don't want to traumatize my body any more. But at times I really miss my breasts. I miss the natural proportions of my body. But on the other hand I also enjoy that I'm now able to go swimming without a shirt on. I enjoy running without having to wear uncomfortable sport bras. It feels better now that men don't stare at my breasts and sexualize me... There are days I love my androgynous flat-chested body and there are days when I weep because the scars around my nipples remind me of how my body has been violated. I try to accept myself as I am now, because I can never get back my natural unscarred breasts.
Now that I think back, I feel that the best options would have been
trauma therapy together with some sort of somatic therapy where I would have been able to heal from body dysphoria/dysmorphia, feel less dissociated from my body and process all the abuse, trauma, misogyny etc that made me want to have a flat chest
breast reduction surgery instead of double mastectomy / chest masculinization
...the surgery I had should have been the last option.
Are you ok with balding? Are you ok with getting painful acne that will leave your skin scarred? Are you ok with vaginal atrophy? You can't choose which effects of synthetic testosterone you are going to have and which not. I had the most perfect skin before testosterone and now my face and my back is filled with scars.
If you feel you are constantly "in your head", I don't recommend transitioning. If you feel you are somehow disconnected from your body, I don't recommend transitioning. Before making any decisions, I'd advice you to get more connected to your bodily sensations. Get a good massage and exercise frequently, breathe more fully. These sound like little things, but it's really important to get more grounded and connected to your body before changing it.
Your dysphoria might be actually dissociation symptoms.
I don't believe there is a way to know who will detransition and who will not.
Ok I don't have any sources for this claim, but I remember reading somewhere that there is a spike in trans suicide rates about 10 years after transitioning, and I've been thinking about could this be because so many people have underlying issues (unprocessed trauma, depression, anxiety, eating disorders etc) and for some time transitioning keeps the mind occupied and transition gives goals and hope that "after I've accomplish this goal (name change, starting hrt, being x years on hrt, passing completely, surgeries etc) life will magically be better. And then after ~10 years after the goals are accomplished and you should just live your life, all the underlying issues and buried emotions start bubbling to the surface and maybe the person starts to question whether transitioning was a right choice at all, because it didn't "make them happy/content" despite all anticipation and effort that was put into it...
Idk.
And the answer to your question: Yes. Some of my friends were transitioning and I saw a lot of trans stuff online and I often saw the phrase "if you think whether you might be trans, you are trans" (which obviously isn't true at all). I started to question whether I'm transgender more and more. It felt scary - especially the coming out as trans. I had thoughts that said I am trans but also lots of doubts, but many trans people said doubts are just "internalized transphobia". I transitioned and now I have detransitioned. And I wish I had never done this. I feel like the idea of being transgender came from the outside (from the internet, from my friends etc), not so from the inside. I should had stayed away from reading so much trans stuff. We humans can be very easily influenced - even when we believe we couldn't.
it is my experience that men who are attracted to women without breasts disproportionately have pedophile tendencies, or an amputation fetish.
oh wow. there are also straight men who just don't mind whether a woman has flat chest or not. yes, most heterosexual men like boobs, but it's not the only thing they care about...
You're not alone. I feel I'm also a "centrist" when it comes to these things... I'd like to think most people are "centrists" but the current hostile atmosphere with thought- and language policing makes it hard to have nuanced conversations on complex issues.
When I was a teen my feelings about my gender expression and sexuality were constantly changing, evolving.... and they still are even I'm now almost 30. So take your time and don't rush into anything. The identity is something that will change and evolve throughout the life, but especially before the age of 25. You can be androgynous, you can be feminine or masculine - or all of it depending on the moment - without being trans. Don't fixate on trans stuff. All kind of confusing gender feelings are pretty normal when growing up, but now there's lots of people (especially online) telling those feelings mean you're transgender.
- Yes, I definitely did. I was mentally very unstable and I had been like that since I was 11. I had a very shaky sense of self, I couldn't recognize myself in the mirror, I had been self-destructive for the past 10 years and I desperately wanted to be anyone else than the woman I was. The decision to transition had been quite impulsive although I was able to edit a very convincing life narrative in which all the signs of my transness had been visible from early childhood. Just before transitioning I had began to experience fractured flashbacks of sexual abuse and that made me really messed up. In the beginning of my transition I had panic attacks and trauma flashbacks often and during them I begged my partner to call me by my old name, because hearing my new chosen name felt so ungrounding and freaky, but afterwards I remembered almost nothing of those episodes. In the mornings I often woke up confused and anxious, feeling like a stranger in my own life, but I couldn't quite grasp why I felt like that. I avoided my old friends and family members. I had a lot of doubts, but I did everything to keep those doubts out of my mind...
- Spiritual awakening / ego death. Realizing how I am not the stories or identities I make inside of my mind - that those stories leave out a lot. I understood I had been extremely dissociated from my body due to all kinds of trauma, including childhood sexual abuse, which I had not had proper unfactured memories of - only very physical flashbacks. I began to understand how much the femaleness of my body and all the trauma that had came with it had shaped my psyche. I started to understand that "gender dysphoria" had been a combination of dissociation and body dysmorphia and that testosterone had made me even more disconnected from myself. It all just fell apart and I had to face who I really was. A healthy identity is not based on some fantasy images of how you should be like. A healthy identity can be formed only through owning up to your own past.
- Well, I think there are many different trans communities and I shouldn't lump it all into one. I know there are many trans people who want to stay away from the aggressive trans activists, who don't deny biological sex is something that exists, who don't hate detransitioners and who are capable of having nuanced conversations without constant language-policing. But there are also "that" community - the radical queer-feminist trans community which I was part of and which then ostracized me, harassed me and labeled me as a terf... and I'm very scared of that community and how much political power they seem to have. Their tactics are working, because everyone is too afraid of the consequences of disagreeing with them. Even health care professionals, which is really bad. The ideology that was very harmful to me seems to be spreading everywhere and it makes me worried. When it comes to the individuals in the community, I wish them love and happiness and healing no matter what path they might take.
- During transitioning I distanced myself from my family and I had no other friends than those who were part of the TQ community. After detransitioning I've gotten more close with my family members again, but I know have very little friends.
- Both. Though I wouldn't do it again if I could choose and I don't want anyone else to have to go through all this pain. But nothing is ever 100% bad or 100% good and an experience like this has so many different layers to it.