My whole journey with this started from a place of just not fitting in. I never felt like people accepted me for who I was, and I think a lot of my desire to transition was wrapped up in escapism and a kind of kink. I’ll be honest, a part of me was in it to be kinky. I had this idea that if I became a woman, I would finally be accepted, or that life would be more exciting.

For a long time, my main goal was to “pass.” I took hormones—a lot of them. I was on three different drugs at one point. I became so obsessed with turning into a woman that it was all I could think about. My inner dialogue was like, “one day I’ll be a real woman!” And then, it actually happened. One day I looked in the mirror and I saw a woman staring back at me. It was a complete shock. I had changed so much that I couldn't even leave the house; it was genuinely frightening to see what I had done to myself.

A big part of the struggle was my body. I have a male skeleton, and no amount of hormones was going to change that. I grew tired of trying to hide it. I was a nervous wreck, constantly thinking about the next step, like facial feminization surgery. The idea of all that surgery looked incredibly painful and filled me with dread.

What really helped me gain perspective was getting older. I’m 45 now, and I see things differently. I realized that being transgender was causing me too much grief. It wasn't worth the trouble. I also started to understand that my desire to be nurturing, which I thought was a feminine trait, could be fulfilled in other ways. I bought a dog, and I bathe him and snuggle with him. Taking care of him gives me that feeling; it doesn’t make me a woman.

I also had a shift in my thinking about sexuality. I’d rather be gay and live as a man. That feels more true to me now. The hormones did have a permanent effect, though. I had top surgery because of the breast growth from the hormones. At least that doesn’t fill me with dread to think about anymore. I know that if I really wanted to, I could probably plan out all the surgeries again and go back to trying to transition, but I don’t want to. Life isn't as bad as I thought it would be, just living as a man.

My faith played a role in my healing too. I’m a Christian now, and I believe God looks at our hearts, not our bodies. I think we can sometimes think too much about how to live right. Many transgender people are nicer than a lot of religious people I've met. For me, finding that spiritual peace was important.

I don’t regret exploring transition because it led me to where I am now, but I am glad I stopped. I have regrets about the physical changes, like the top surgery, but I’ve made my peace with it. My main regret is all the time I spent in a state of anxiety, thinking I had to change my body to find happiness. I’ve learned that quality of life is what matters most.

Here is a timeline of the main events: