My journey with gender started when I was a teenager. I was deeply uncomfortable with my body, especially when I went through puberty and developed breasts. I hated them; they felt foreign and wrong on me. I now believe a lot of this was connected to my autism—the sensory issues made me hyper-aware of my body in a way that was distressing. I also struggled with depression, anxiety, and very low self-esteem. I spent a lot of time online and found communities that explained these feelings as gender dysphoria. It felt like I had finally found an answer, a reason why I felt so out of place.

I started my transition by socially identifying as non-binary, but that quickly shifted to identifying as a transgender man. I was influenced by the people I talked to online and by friends who were also transitioning; it felt like we were all figuring it out together and it gave me a sense of belonging I desperately needed. Looking back, I think a lot of it was a form of escapism from my other mental health problems.

I started testosterone in my early twenties. I was sure it was the right path for me. The changes were both exciting and frightening. I eventually got top surgery, and for a while, I felt a huge sense of relief. My chest finally matched how I felt inside. I thought that was the final step for me to feel complete.

But I was still struggling. I decided to pursue bottom surgery, thinking it was the last piece of the puzzle. The process to get approved was long, requiring multiple letters from therapists. I had the surgery, but I suffered serious health complications afterwards. The recovery was physically painful and emotionally devastating. It was during this incredibly difficult time that I began to seriously question everything.

My thoughts on gender have changed completely. I don't really believe in it the same way anymore. I think I was a very masculine woman who was deeply uncomfortable with the changes of female puberty and who didn't fit into stereotypical boxes. I confused that discomfort with being born in the wrong body. A lot of my drive to transition was also tied to internalized homophobia; I was attracted to women and struggled to see myself as a lesbian, feeling it was easier to be seen as a straight man.

I absolutely have regrets about my transition, especially regarding the bottom surgery. The complications have left me with permanent health issues and I am now infertile, which is a profound loss. Calling my own surgery a mutilation is my right; it’s how I feel about what happened to my body. But I don't think that’s a term anyone else should use for someone else’s experience.

What helped me most was finally getting into proper therapy, but not affirming therapy. I needed someone who would help me question my motivations and dig into my trauma and autism, not just sign off on my decisions. That, more than anything, allowed me to understand myself and start to heal. I'm now trying to live my life as a woman again, but the physical changes are permanent reminders of a very painful chapter.