If you feel like you can work through or cope with your discomfort with your body, don’t get the surgery. Even if you think you will like the outcome of bottom surgery, things can go wrong. The complication rate is super high.

You might find that your psych closing her practice or not giving you a letter is a blessing in disguise…

Hey I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I had a really similar reaction to my mastectomy. It was the turning point that led me to detransition. It was really hard to be facing these things while recovering from a very serious surgery. What helped me was acknowledging my feelings, journaling, ice packs, talking with people I could trust or were open to hearing about what I was experiencing about what was going on. It was really hard to find people to talk to because people in my life were reacting very much in the same way you’re describing- kind of minimizing and telling me not to think about it. It seems really significant that you can’t sleep though and that these thoughts keep coming. It took a long time for me to fully process the grief, maybe 18 months or so. Right now, you may need to take it day by day, hour by hour. If you can join a support group, that is probably a good idea. You could look into a group through Genspect or consider joining a facebook support group or discord server. Are you in counseling? If you have insurance, consider finding a therapist who can help you get through this experience. Take time to interview them and ask them how they would plan to help you.

It’s a big deal losing a part of your body. Your brain has to rewire to accommodate the change in tissue, sensation, shape.

You do need to take care of your body and focus on your recovery, but you’re also having some very difficult thoughts and worries. I’ll say, some people report initial feelings of regret and loss right after gender surgery and then later do not regret it. I still regret my mastectomy, but there are some things I gained from the experience that I can’t deny. These things do not balance out the trauma and losses I went through, but it is helpful and healthy for me to acknowledge the positive pieces as well.

You might consider talking to your doctor about your insomnia and asking if they can prescribe a medication that might help. The only thing that helped me sleep was daily acupuncture. And weighted blanket and ice packs.

Other reasons that weren’t already mentioned are cost and recovery time. Not being able to produce your own sex hormones and needing to rely on a prescription for the rest of your life is a big one. There are sometimes shortages of medications and that can be a big issue. How old are you? You might decide later you would like to have children, and fertility treatments and sperm storage are very expensive.

Thanks for sharing, this is relatable and shows how much our thinking is impacted by gender ideology and warps over time. I had a similar experience when I developed body dysmorphia in my early 20s (all bodies started looking gross), thankfully my thinking changed and became healthier over time. Being able to develop insight into our patterns of thinking is so powerful

In the immediate, coping with these feelings, many people find that focusing more on what their body can do rather than how it looks is helpful. If you are able to exercise or go on walks, this really can help. Noticing the improvements you make with strength training over time can be really satisfying. Even just using a step counter and starting with a modest goal. 

Since you’re having a hard time getting out of bed, just going outside and being in nature or doing some other distracting, pleasurable activity could be a good first step.

The intense grief and regret is really hard. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. The more you’re able to acknowledge and process the pain, it really does get better. I did art therapy exercises with a therapist on my own to process my grief about losing a part of my body. It was at times excruciating. And it really helped me honor my body, the experience I’ve been through, and ultimately accept what had happened. 

Because we went through a trauma in the context of a medical system and cultural context that supports/is informed by and had fidelity to gender ideology, this can be more complex for us to come to terms with. I have found that I have had to go back through several times the information about high control groups, Steve Hassen’s BITE model, the context of my life and the culture I was in when I made the decisions I did, and my own motivations and personal history that made transition seem very appealing to me. 

Being kind and gentle with ourselves is so important. I hope you’re able to offer yourself kindness and gentleness as you’re going through this. You’re not alone. 

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope you have support and are taking good care of yourself. Hormonal changes are really tough!

Yes, it’s true that some FTMTF detransitioners do have a change in breast tissue after mastectomy when they go off T, but it really seems to depend on the procedure you had and what breast tissue is left behind. I had double incision and I’m completely flat after 5 years off T, and I think it’s because my surgeon didn’t leave any breast tissue for shape or anything like that.

My advice would be to wait to decide whether to have reconstructive surgery, at least a few a years. It’s a big deal to have a surgery like this, gender related mastectomy, and then regret it. Giving yourself time to adjust to everything and think about it could really help. When I first detransitioned, I thought about reconstructive surgery a lot, learned all about the different procedures. Ultimately I decided not to do it because I am worried about the risks of a negative outcome or pain after surgery, concerns about how the surgery could impact my mobility, and I just don’t want to make myself go through another drastic change like that.

It’s true that dating and relationships may be different than if you never transitioned or had a mastectomy. I don’t know if you are interested in dating men or women or ? Dating men may be difficult, but people may also surprise you and not be worried about a flat chest. There are lots of people who are open and I’m sure you have lots of attractive attributes. Giving yourself time before having surgery could help you understand more about what it’s actually like dating and living in the world with the results of your mastectomy and help you decide whether reconstruction will really improve your life.

Good luck! Sounds like you’re still staying active and rock climbing, and that’s a really good thing.

I’m so sorry. Many of us have been there… it took maybe 2-3 years after mastectomy for the grief to be substantially less for me. It takes time to adjust and for your brain to rewire after a major change like this. It is bizarre and I think there will always be some element of that, but it does calm down and it does get to be less so over time. Be gentle with yourself.

I had a consultation with a lawyer several years ago and it was not helpful. There are new law groups that have started to specialize in this area, and it might be a good idea to reach out to them directly. If you’re in the US, I heard an interview with one of the attorneys from this group a few months ago on Gender a Wider Lens podcast, might be worth looking into - https://www.cmppllc.com/

Yes, absolutely. I can relate to feeling a bit sad and hopeless about seeing so many young people transitioning and having crazy medical interventions. And so many people being really supportive of the gender stuff without understanding it really or getting very deep, just having a superficial understanding - yes it’s very very weird. My first few years into detransition, I felt a lot more distressed about all the kids and trauma happening to people with the gender stuff, especially because I was so shocked that transition had not turned out to make sense for me and somehow no one had told me or been able to protect me.

I don’t know, I think I now have a more healthy sense of detachment. I can’t control other people’s lives or things outside my own actions and the relationships I have. This gender stuff is a thing of the times, culture, technology. I accept I can’t control what will be. The universe has its own patterns, waves and flow, action / reaction.

That doesn’t mean there isn’t grief! It’s bizarre and insane. So much wrong. Humans are flawed, creative beings.

I’m so sorry it’s feeling hard right now. Sending you well wishes. You are not alone. Many of us have been through this or had these thoughts and feelings. It really sucks not being able to just move on with life after something so traumatic because it’s really so much of a focus in the culture and in politics…. Super weird. 🖤

How old were you when you started? This can have an impact on permanent changes… I was on T in my late 20s for a little over 2 years. I’ve been off it for 5 and there is no way in hell anyone would think I’m male now from looking at me. I was shocked at how much changed back and how feminine I look. This is another reason I’m so grateful for detransition because in order to pass and live that trans masc life I would have had to stay on T forever and I just can’t handle the health consequences and side effects for me personally