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The user shares highly specific, personal, and emotionally complex details about their detransition, medical history, trauma, and sexuality. The writing style is consistent, nuanced, and reflects the passionate and often painful perspective of a real desister/detransitioner. The mentions of specific medications, treatments, and personal struggles are not the hallmarks of a fabricated account.
About me
My journey started as a teenager when I felt a deep discomfort with my female body, which I now see was linked to trauma and internalized homophobia. I transitioned medically in my late teens, taking testosterone and having top surgery, believing it was the answer. I deeply regret those procedures because they left me with permanent health issues, including a severe allergy. After stopping hormones, I had to fight to get proper care for the underlying health problems that were ignored. Now I'm living as a feminine woman, focusing on my life as a lesbian and managing the daily consequences of my medical decisions.
My detransition story
My whole journey with transition started when I was really young, around 16 or 17. I was deeply uncomfortable with puberty and the changes happening to my body. I hated my breasts and felt a strong disconnect from being a woman. Looking back, a lot of this was tied to trauma and PTSD. I had a lot of complicated feelings about attributes associated with women, and I think a lot of that came from my upbringing. My parents raised me with the idea that all feminine expression had to be perfect for a future husband, and I had no examples of healthy relationships with women.
I also had this persistent fantasy about having a penis. I wanted it and still sometimes have those thoughts, but I've found healthier outlets for it now. At the time, I didn't understand that these feelings could be separate from my identity. I had no lesbian sex education growing up Catholic, so everything felt confusing and wrong. I think internalized homophobia played a huge part; I felt too sexual to be a lesbian, and transitioning felt like an escape from that conflict.
I started taking testosterone when I was 18. I was on it until I was about 22. During that time, I got top surgery. I deeply regret both of those things now because of the long-term effects on my life. The testosterone gave me a permanent alcohol allergy from the gel and patches I used. It’s been extremely hard; I break out in a rash from so many things now, like liquid medications and vinegars. It’s a constant physical reminder of my mistake and it's even ruined some career options for me in healthcare. My skin also never recovered; I had to go on a second round of accutane after T because the acne never went away.
While I was transitioning, I was incredibly dissociated. I wasn't really connected to myself. I think I was using masculinity as a shield from my feelings. My sense of gender was overridden by my attraction to women, which has always been wildly strong. I had one brief attraction to a man when I was 16, but it was an exception. I am, and always was, a strict lesbian.
Coming off hormones was a rough process for my body. I was bleeding constantly and having joint issues because of underlying PCOS that had been ignored. I had to go through an online service to get proper care because Planned Parenthood and my primary care turned me away. Eventually, I got on progesterone and spironolactone to regulate my cycle again, and Prozac for PMDD. Getting that under control helped a lot.
Now, I'm feminine presenting and just trying to live my life. I don't label my gender much anymore; I've learned to just be in observation of how my presentation changes with time. I focus on other aspects of my personal growth, my relationships, and my life. I don't regret exploring my identity, but I do regret the medical steps I took. They weren't the healthiest answer for me, and I'm dealing with the consequences every day.
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| 16 | Brief attraction to a man, but my stronger attraction to women was clear. Felt deep discomfort with puberty and female body. |
| 18 | Started testosterone. |
| 18-22 | Was on testosterone. Lived as a trans man. |
| Early 20s | Had top surgery. |
| 22 | Stopped testosterone. Began the process of detransition. |
| 25 (approx.) | Sought treatment for PCOS and hormonal issues caused by T, got on progesterone and spironolactone. |
| Present (late 20s) | Feminine presenting, living as a lesbian, managing long-term health complications from T. |
Top Comments by /u/hellsing-security:
Ugh. Real. I’ve ended up going on a second round of accutane (i did as a teen too) after T because it never went away :/ spiro+metformin for pcos helped too. The dissociation is so real, too. I was on it from 18 to 22 ish. Got a permanent alcohol allergy from the gel/patches too. 🙃
Yep… this is extremely sketchy. Also, tons of older women are able to get breast reconstructions of all kinds after breast cancer. I would suggest trying some providers who do more of that. I decided to put it off until I’m closer to 30 after a consult but! It’s definitely possible.
Like attracts like. People who are already dysfunctional/dissociated from themselves are usually attracted to other people having the same experience, imo.
That said, some incredibly discoordinated thoughts:
I think a lot of t4t trans guys, in my experience, are actually lesbians with significant trauma around (1) men or (2) traumatic and/or enmeshed relationships with their mothers and gender related trauma. I’ve met so many who only date other trans men but will dunk on how they’re not into women for (insert weird reason here).
That said, trans men who are “exclusively” into (usually cis) men usually fall into two categories in my experience fall into the categories I already listed, or are actually into men and trying to cope with misogyny and probably have very real dysphoria, but that doesn’t mean transitioning is the healthiest answer :/ or lastly, a lot of people want an identity label for their experience rather that just being in the experience (something I’ve learned in the last few years to just be in observation of how my “gendered” presentation changes with time rather than needing to label it).
I had a lot of ptsd and other complicating reasons that made me dislike attributes associated with women.
I also wanted and fantasized about having a penis. Still do, have healthier outlets and choices related to it. I think this made it more complicated for me to unpack my identity. I still regret top surgery + T due to long term effects on my life. I am fem presenting now and a strict lesbian.
My attraction to women overrode my own sense of gender, and the way my parents raised me (all feminine expression had to be perfect for my future husband) and no examples of healthy relationships with women. And I always felt too sexual to be a lesbian; I had some other stuff going on too but. Trauma + society.
I went through allara health online for this reason :(((( it helped me so much though, even though it’s out of pocket. I was basically turned away from Planned Parenthood and Primary Care, because I wanted to get my pcos back under control and I was bleeding on and constantly and having all kinds of joint issues :///// thankfully a single dose of some kind of progesterone to get a regular cycle back and spironalactone I have a normal cycle again :) and Prozac for the Pmdd. I transferred all the meds back to an OB/Gyn after 3 months. They did ultrasound imaging & blood work and everything <3 best of luck.
It’s going to vary by religious group but generally I caution again jumping from transness to religion (in this case both function to meet an emotional need). It’s a jump of polarity and also often rigid identity. I waited a few years after developing a better and healthier sense of identity before investigating spiritual directions.
I mean, frankly I still sometimes jerk off with strapless strap on and fantasize about fucking/being fucked. I do think some of it was a lack of lesbian sex ed (“uhhh isn’t it obvious” not is not to Catholic 14 yo girls with no sex Ed to begin with). I think it’s healthy and normal as long as you don’t start obsessing about it/hating what you have (and reconciling that conflict within yourself). All in balance. I think some people will say that’s bad but the truth is I’ve been wired that way for a long time and I’d rather focus on other aspects of my personal growth and relationships and life. 💯
I can’t speak if you’re attracted to men lmao but there are also cis butch lesbians who fantasize about having dicks. Not all, but DEFINITELY some.
I would also highly suggest facial laser if it’s particularly thick—that helped me feel a lot better; esp to be seen as a lesbian. I had some facial hair pre hormones and i still have a little bit ya! IPL on my body but that’s been after almost 3 years off hormones now and more for vanity.
Definitely seconding that part—my story is a bit more complicated because I realized i was more femme and using masculinity as a shield from my feelings and stuff but ! Lesbians are def into detrans ppl, esp masc ones.
It’s so hard regardless tho 😭
I had one man I was also attracted to — bizarrely he looks very similar to me on testosterone. Was very close with him growing up — between 8 and 11ish and we ran into each other at a shared event at 16 and there was some chemistry but I could never imagine anything beyond that. Haven’t met a guy since him. And my attraction to women I’ve been with is still wildly stronger.