hi i feel the need to comment because weight was a big factor in convincing myself i was trans. ive been heavy since like age 5, and deeply hated everything about being fat. i wanted clothes that fit and framed me differently. i wanted a haircut that framed my face differently. so much about hating my body and my breasts and hips and wanting muscles were about being fat. i wanted to be seen and i wanted to be loved and i wanted to express my sexuality and i couldnt where i was.

im sorry you are still really insecure. the truth is, i am too. almost nothing from testosterone left a permanent effect on me, except for my clit and a negligable amount of hair. these things dont bother me, but i understand why they bother you. but ive had a few hookups and guys are almost never bothered by my clit. my body hair is also not really noticeable, but i do have a significant amount of chin hair, which is also easy to hide if i shave. it only is really a problem if i am cuddling with someone and my chin scratches them.

but i still hate being fat. ive always had a flat butt and broad shoulders too, and have always carried most weight in my stomach and have smallish hips. i also have large hands with square fingernails, thin lips, a nose on the bigger side, a jaw on the bigger side... awesome when i was trying to pass. now im neutral about most things. it would be nice to be prettier but im also content with my appearance. aside from the weight i guess.

i know how deep the pain goes with weight and obviously the lengths i will go to to try to improve my appearance.

many of your problems can easily be fixed. dandruff can be managed by medicated shampoo. you can get contacts. better toothpaste/other medicine for your gums.

going to the gym and lifting weights can help a lot. you wont get bulky unless you try really hard. ive been lifting weights for over a year and i dont look bulky, although i do have some muscle now. the most important part about the gym is that it helps you feel good from the endorphins and more connected to your body which improves confidence more than weight loss ever could. the secondary effect of looking more toned is a nice plus. leg presses have helped my butt from being a hank hill butt, into a just ok butt, which feels much better.

the lifting community and also knowing how many female lifters are out there can also help normalize having a wide back/etc for you. truthfully your muscles may be different looking from t. but there are a lot of muscley girls out there and they look great. my ex was a (gymnastics) gymnast and she had a lot of muscle. it's more normal than you think.

also, you can tan. my boyfriend kind of encouraged me. a planet fitness membership for 20ish dollars a month will get you gym time and you can use their tanning beds at the same time. best deal on earth.

that being said if you do electrolysis you have to stop tanning. so be mindful about that.

groupon can get you the laser treatments you may need for cheap as well. i am getting treatment for my chin (and that's it). it's super quick and easy.

the actual self esteem part is of course the hard part. maybe you can see a therapist to help out with your insecurities. follow fat people/models on instagram who are constantly showing off their stuff. look up instagrams about "body neutrality" too. and diet-free/body neutral exercise instagrams. yoga may help you connect with and respect your body, and just enjoy movement.

feeling like you still have to worry about your man liking something else is a problem most women have, probably even the beautiful ones. you need to trust in the loyalty in your relationship and the love and commitment you share, while learning to love and respect your body and take care of it. if you are confident about your body, your partner is that much more likely to appreciate it.

I've thought about it. Continuing to create the videos and interacting online can definitely perpetuate the identity they are going with even if it's not accurate. An extremely efficient positive feedback loop. After all, my online presence is where i experimented with pronouns and pictures in trans friendly spaces which was so pleasant it eventually convinced me i was actually trans.

Isolation is when i started to come to terms with who i really was.

Sorry that happened. I've had hookups and most of them didn't say anything. One guy kind of complimented it while sexting, just saying it was big. And my current bf asked about it when we first got together, i told him about my transition before that i think but I'm not sure??? And he's very neutral about it. This guy was being a dick. But also people can't always control what turns them off/on.

I would say although this will sting for a while, don't be discouraged. Plenty of guys don't care.

I'm replying to the title although this post has a lot of stuff

I know what it feels like in the beginning of detransition to go out in public and feel just so bizarre. I have a specific memory actually of going to the mall and shopping for Christmas gifts. I felt so strange, ugly, my body felt like such a weird shape to me, i felt like an alien.

And my relationship to men felt so weird. For me it's a little complex because i want male attention because I'm attracted to men, but still being some androgynous boyish thing was much safer. I could focus on sorta blending in instead of feeling like i was about to get hit on all the time (although I'm rarely hit on lol)

It was super weird in general for a few months. Especially because with short hair i naturally look androgynous. Slowly it gets easier. You really do have to relearn how to act and feel but then presenting as your birth gender feels very natural again. Idk it maybe took me 6 months to not feel utterly horrible, maybe another year to start forgetting about how i might look and feel a little odd. That's about 5 years behind me now and i sometimes forget i transitioned.

Me but i mean it's not a complicated topic to me. It was just my sexuality didn't change but my appearance and presentation did.

It was easier to imagine myself in a gay relationship because i didn't have the "pressure" of being a woman, the pressure of being as vulnerable emotionally, or the pressure of being myself at all really

Plus gay relationship seemed a little more fun/taboo

Also ironically i ended up in a relationship with a woman (turns out i still only like men though) and i noticed there is a peace and comfort with relating to each other's gender. You have similar experiences and can share clothes and stuff.

Also autoandrophilia in some cases

Some things that lead me to detransition was realizing I hated being seen as a guy without people knowing i was once a woman, without knowing my past. It only became more obvious the longer i went into transition. One thing that kind of triggered this weirdly is i started making vines, and thought about getting famous and would hate to be seen as a cis guy through my vines. Lol.

Also i wanted to look young forever, realized if i actually looked like a manly man i would be uncomfortable, but the longer i stayed young looking from only temporarily being on t and the older i got, the weirder it got. It was fun at first but you hit a certain age where it's awkward to look so young.

Also being a guy got kind of boring?

I tried to be more nonbinary, but i just couldn't reconcile with a nonbinary identity. It just seemed wrong for me, a lie personally.

Not to say i didn't feel extremely confused for months after deciding to detransition. It's so weird having feelings and viewpoints from both identities, especially if your body is in between. Also i could not see my "future" as a woman. But once you reintegrate back into society as a woman after deciding to detransition, life starts making sense again.

Also yeah i didn't want to rely on hormones forever especially if i got a hysterectomy.

Really it is about what benefits you the most long-term but that can be hard to see in the beginning.

I miss the sense of purpose and bravery too. Rarely am i so "brave" in my life but i felt so good for doing this. I also miss the sense of unconditional acceptance i got from my family and peers. I also miss being more carefree. Not only with the trans identity, but i was overall less mature at that time in my life (and being trans/being a "different person" let me explore taking risks more). I also miss "fitting in" more, being in social spaces where just being cis me didn't work as well.

Also when i really let myself think about it the effects of hrt still kind of blows my mind, which is partly why i was obsessed with transitioning. Although I've lived it, and it's not as cool as it once was even even kind of sad to be aware of so many people transitioning for the wrong reasons, watching the changes occasionally still fascinates me. 🤷‍♀️

I'm glad youre able to notice your feelings about the changes. I also liked some changes at first. Voice of course because it's so key for passing. Bottom growth didn't and still doesn't bother me. But like you, i felt discomfort when i saw my body hair and actual face changing 8 months in. I felt unlike myself and even a bit ugly. I decided to stop, but didn't realize i was wrong about my identity for two more years.

It's a really good idea to stop before you lose your ability to pass as your birth gender, if you're not sure about who you are. I am really lucky my voice went back to normal, it did drop quite a bit but has almost entirely reverted. When my voice was still kind of deep, i was miserable and confused. I don't know if i could deal with the "reverse" dysphoria if i had too many changes.

You can still identify as trans, and think about waiting to restart t. But if you're anything like me, you'll realize transition isn't right for you.

For me, it was a feeling that creeped in suddenly, especially after a lot of isolation. I realized erasing my past as a girl felt really uncomfortable. I still didn't want to go back on t. I felt disconnected from cis females i related to, and cis males i couldn't relate to. I realized my social life or general success in life didn't improve. I got kind of bored of my appearance and style and lifestyle as a guy. I had a partner who sometimes complimented my body and it made me more at peace with my body. I hated looking like a young man now that i was hitting 20/21 and wanted to fit in with other adults. And finally i realized it just wasn't worth it to feel like i had a target on my back all the time, considering everything else.

I was on it for nine months. I would say it reverted most of the way in a year or two, and after that it reverted all the way (i think) back to normal. It could have been because i actually detransitioned after the two year mark, so i naturally started speaking more femininely. I feel pretty lucky, personally. Im still surprised my voice went back to normal.

I feel like i have a run of the mill cis identity, which surprises me after what I went through. I feel like i used to. Dysphoria wasn't a problem for me until i learned what it was. I also don't feel gender-free or like i have a new perspective of gender, to be honest.

The first year or two after detransitioning were confusing and i felt in between and often quite masculine. But it faded and now my lense is always from the view of my birth gender. Except for maybe fleeting moments of dysphoria that happen like. Once a month. Maybe less.

If my body still looked like i had been on t this might be different. My mindset is largely based on how my outside looks. When my voice was still low, i was extremely confused and felt like two different people. Once or twice my reflection has looked masculine and i felt a pang of confusion and grief for that version of me.

But since i still look and sound cis that's how I feel.

I think if i were gay or still involved in the LGBT community i would experience more dysphoria. Not true dysphoria but still, some degree of distress.

I still always feel extremely weird when i see a possibly trans person or even a butch lesbian. Jealousy, longing, sometimes criticism (depending).