This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, this account appears to be authentic.
There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or a bad-faith actor. The comments demonstrate:
- Personal, nuanced experience: The user shares a detailed and evolving personal history with gender identity, transition, and detransition.
- Consistent, complex ideology: Their views on gender are sophisticated, non-dogmatic, and consistent across posts, reflecting a genuine personal philosophy rather than a copied script.
- Empathetic engagement: They offer tailored, practical, and compassionate advice to others, which is characteristic of genuine community support.
The account exhibits the passion and lived experience expected of a real detransitioner/desister.
About me
I started questioning as a teenager because I felt so much distress from being sexualized and seen only as a woman. I thought transitioning would be an escape from that misogyny, so I identified as nonbinary and then as a trans man for a while. I realized I didn't actually want to be a man and couldn't relate to them, but I still felt very masculine. I found so much freedom in learning about butch history, which showed me I could be a masculine woman. Now I'm comfortable just being myself, a woman with a masculine spirit, and I'm glad I never pursued medical steps.
My detransition story
My whole journey with gender has been complicated, and it took me a long time to find a place that feels right. I want to share my story because I think it’s important to show that there isn't just one path.
It all started for me when I was a teenager. Puberty was a really rough time for my self-image, and I know now that teenage girlhood is often painful and distressing for a lot of people. I felt that way at 15, and looking back, I see that a lot of my initial discomfort was tied to dealing with misogyny and being sexualized as a woman. I hated the feeling of being seen in a certain way just because I was female. I think I wanted an escape route from that, and for a while, I thought transitioning was the answer.
I started by identifying as nonbinary, then later as a transmasculine person, and for a period, I identified as a trans man. But something never felt completely right about taking testosterone or the idea of fully becoming a man. I couldn't really relate to cis men, and deep down, I still wanted to stay in community with women. I felt stuck, like I couldn't celebrate my masculinity and still identify as a woman. I also saw a lot of social pressure online for people to transition, and it bothered me. I know detransitioners who transitioned because of that pressure, which I think is awful.
What helped me most was untangling my own feelings from all the external noise. I had to really think about why I felt the way I did. A big part of it was that I thought identifying as nonbinary would stop people from treating me like a woman, but it didn't work. There was no easy escape from misogyny. I had to accept that the work to combat it had to be external. Learning about the history of the butch community was incredibly affirming for me. It showed me a way to be masculine and still be connected to womanhood.
My understanding of gender changed a lot through this process. I don't believe in the "born this way" model for everyone, and I don't think your stated gender identity is the only thing that determines your gender. For me, gender is complicated. I now call myself a woman, but only in some contexts. I see myself as a woman in a political sense because that's how the world perceives me, but my internal, spiritual sense of self is masculine. I "feel like a man" in the sense that I prefer to inhabit a masculine gender role. I guess I'm somewhere in the middle, not really cis or trans. This understanding has been so freeing.
I never went on hormones or had any surgeries. I'm grateful I took the time to work on my mental health first. I learned that HRT wouldn't have fixed my relationship with my body; it would have just made it slightly different. I had to learn to have a more neutral view of my body. Things like strength training helped a lot because it made me appreciate my body for what it could do, not just how it looked. I have curves and body fat in my hips and chest, but I've reframed how I see them. They don't feel feminine to me anymore; they're just part of my body, and they can feel masculine depending on what I'm wearing or doing.
Do I have regrets? I don't regret exploring my gender. The questioning and the journey itself taught me so much about myself. But I am glad I didn't pursue medical steps, because I realize now that my feelings were more about finding a comfortable way to exist in the world as a masculine person who is perceived as a woman, rather than a need to become a man.
Here is a timeline of the main events for me:
| My Age | Event |
|---|---|
| 15 | Started experiencing significant discomfort and distress with puberty and being perceived as a female. |
| Late Teens | Began identifying as nonbinary, then later as transmasculine, as a way to cope with misogyny and body image issues. |
| Early 20s | Briefly identified as a trans man but felt disconnected from the idea of medical transition and from cis men. |
| Mid-20s | Realized my identity was more complex. Stopped identifying as trans and embraced an identity as a masculine woman, finding community and history in butch spaces. |
| Present (Late 20s) | Comfortable with a nonbinary/genderqueer understanding of myself as a woman with a masculine internal sense of self. No medical interventions. |
Top Comments by /u/in-the-stoa:
This sounds like a really anxiety-provoking situation; good on you for thinking through everything in so much depth. From reading your story, I don’t get an obvious impression one way or another as to whether detransition would make you happy. The body image issues you’ve described could be dysphoria, but they could also be dysmorphia provoked by an obsession with the male gaze.
I think it’s worth meditating on how you want to look, and understanding that you likely won’t be able to emulate some gendered ideal as either a man or a woman. Those ideals are elusive, and liking your body often requires you to think of them as something that kind of has nothing to do with you.
It can be helpful to think of detransition as a second transition rather than an undoing of the original one—just like with your first transition, you should start off by experimenting and seeing how it feels. Reading stuff online will probably not yield better thinking, so try to explore this stuff as it relates to your real life. Whatever “looking like a man” means to you, try doing that in your home: you might want to try binding, wearing different clothes, doing your hair differently. Look at yourself in the mirror and see how it feels. If it’s working for you, go out in public like that. You can ask close friends to try out using he/him pronouns for you in private, and you don’t have to explain this beyond saying that you’re questioning your gender and want to see how it feels. Also, you don’t have to change your name ever—you can still be GNC even if you end up wanting to live as a guy, and Madison is neutral enough that it won’t cause any problems for you, IMO.
Also want to throw out there that you could explore some form of nonbinary identity if that seems at all interesting—my current understanding of myself is basically as a woman who’s a guy, and IDing as nonbinary has allowed me to keep stability as my dysphoria/internal sense of gender has fluctuated. Good luck, I hope this new exploration goes as smoothly as possible and you feel better soon!
I’m not agreeing with the “current popular train of thought”—most people don’t fully understand or support transness or believe in separating the concepts of gender and sex, at least most cis/straight people in my life. I base my understanding of gender on my life experiences, a bit of academic queer theory, and the history of my community. It wouldn’t be less complicated if I thought of transness as a mental illness and biological sex as the only truth—I’ve been there, and it was actually way more complicated to try and square the inconsistencies of the worldview with real life!
Edit: also, I don’t think that stated gender identity is the thing that determines gender, and I don’t believe that a “born this way” model is helpful on a universal level, both of which would probably be out of line with what you’re referring to as the gender ideology du jour.
One thing I think isn’t talked about enough is the fact that puberty is a really rough time for self-image, and teenage girlhood often is painful and distressing. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, and want to let you know that you’re not alone—I felt this way at 15, and many cis women I know felt like this too at some point.
It can be helpful to think about any recent events that might be contributing to the feeling. Some things that have been triggers of dysmorphia/dysphoria for me are dealing with misogyny, dealing with being sexualized as a woman, or even having some kind of existential issue that’s unrelated to gender. I second the other commenter’s advice to take a break from looking in mirrors—additionally, don’t take pictures of yourself until you’re feeling better. If there’s anything connected to the bad feeling you get when you hear she/her pronouns or gendered terms, see if you can address that. Does it make you feel weak? Try to find something that helps you feel strong. Does it make you feel devalued? Affirm the qualities that you value in yourself, and seek out social support. Good luck—I hope some of this helps and that you feel better soon!
That’s what’s been so freeing about coming to my current understanding of gender—I do actually call myself a woman, but only in some contexts. I fully see how it could be in every context, but using the language that I do is what makes me most comfortable/communicates something accurate to those around me. I hope everyone gets to a place where they feel the same!
One place to start with your spring shopping might be to try and find a really great pair of pants, since you’ve said that wearing sweats is one thing that’s not working. Check out paper bag pants or a high-waisted pant in a light fabric like linen. If you have pants that fit perfectly, you can go with a structured high-quality T-shirt or a blouse depending on how casual you’re trying to look. You can worry about accessories later, but locking down a basic silhouette that feels good is step 1 IMO!
Yeah, I definitely think it’s important to remember that your experience in many spheres has to do with how you’re perceived rather than how you identify! I think I differ from gender abolitionists in that I think the existence of gender is a biological phenomenon in some respects, but that it’s possible to heavily reduce or eliminate sexism while still keeping gender around and allowing for transition. I think it’s a healthier world overall if we recognize that everyone has masculine and feminine aspects, and the freedom to express those things without being judged makes us better people.
I can definitely feel where you’re coming from, too. The idea that transition is the obvious right choice for anyone with gender issues has always seemed wrong to me, and it bothers me a lot when people try to tell others that they’re trans. I think it’s super irresponsible and actually know a few detransitioners who transitioned because they felt social pressure to do so, which is awful!
Absolutely, it’s so hard to feel that’s way no matter what’s causing it. The good thing is that gender experimentation doesn’t require a commitment either way, so you can see if that helps the feeling without having to figure it out first.
I recommend looking into the body neutrality movement—I think it can be really easy to absorb the idea that self-love = thinking of your body as “perfect,” given how much emphasis is placed on physical appearance in our culture. The experience of being seen as a woman can make obsessing over your body seem like a normal part of your daily routine. After learning to take a more neutral view of my body, I can go days at a time without thinking in depth about how I look, and it feels really healthy. I also really recommend trying strength training, and thinking of it as a gender neutral thing. It can be so fulfilling to celebrate the amazing functional progress your body can make in the gym, and it helps you to think of your appearance as a reflection of your abilities rather than the other way around.
IMO, you should not start HRT right now. In clear-cut cases, where a person has felt the consistent urge to transition since childhood and has no related mental health/emotional issues, trying HRT can help. Even in a case like that, it’s still advised that a person fully socially transitions for at least one year before beginning medical steps. You’re very young, and you’re still developing: your brain, gender identity, sexuality, etc will not be fully developed for a few more years at least.
HRT will not fix your relationship with your body. It will still be your body, just slightly different. You need to improve your mental health first, and then you will be able to think clearly about whether this might be something to improve your life. Tips for doing this: try CBT therapy if you find you have obsessive thoughts or negative ways of thinking—this can be with a therapist or using workbooks by yourself. Sleep 8.5 hours per night at minimum, exercise every other day, spend time with friends, read books that are mentally challenging for you. Learn to self-soothe when you feel anxious or upset by deep breathing, distraction, or listening to music.
If you feel comfortable being recognized as a boy, and don’t feel like a girl inside, you should know that you don’t need to be a girl to be beautiful and act in a traditionally feminine way. Being gender non-conforming is a good thing, and it doesn’t mean you have to transition. In my community, I know a few men who are somewhat feminine and mostly date queer women, and people accept and understand that. However, if you find that you want to be more masculine, you can try that too and see how it feels. Your gender expression is your choice, and you don’t need to medically transition in order to experiment with that.
As for your lack of sexual/romantic experience, that’s totally normal for your age. Get as far away as you can from the incel community and those ways of thinking. It’s not healthy. It takes time for young people to find the right person to date, and you may have to wait until college/moving to a new city/starting new hobbies in order to do so. You don’t need to be having sex or dating, and there’s nothing wrong with you just because you aren’t right now.
Sorry this got so long, I’m genuinely hoping it will be helpful to you—TLDR work on your mental well-being for a few years, then worry about this.
Sure! I used to ID as nonbinary or transmasculine only, and for a while identified as a trans man. The issue with this was that I never felt 100% on the idea of taking T, and I couldn’t really relate to cis men in my life—I wanted to stay in community with women, but felt I couldn’t identify as a woman and still fully celebrate my masculinity. After a while, I realized it wasn’t an either/or situation. I realized that I didn’t have to feel like a woman in order to be one: because I was being perceived as a woman, and because I didn’t want to try to pass as a man, my experience of life was one of womanhood.
I now understand myself as a woman in a political sense, but my spiritual/internal sense of self is a masculine one—I “feel like a man,” which to me means I prefer to inhabit a masculine gender role. I would consider this to be a form of nonbinary or genderqueer identity, but I don’t ID as cis or trans—I think I’m somewhere in the middle/it’s in the eye of the beholder. Hope some of that was helpful—I’m totally up to talk more about it if my experience resonates!