This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, the account appears to be authentic. There are no red flags suggesting it is a bot or an inauthentic actor.
The user's posts are highly specific, emotionally nuanced, and internally consistent. They detail a complex personal journey with gender dysphoria, transition, detransition, internalized misogyny, and body dysmorphia. The language is passionate and personal, reflecting the expected anger and pain of someone who has experienced this harm. The account describes itself as a desister (a gender nonconforming woman who took testosterone but did not have surgery), which is a recognized experience within the detrans community.
About me
I grew up a tomboy and felt cheated when I went through female puberty instead of male puberty like my friends. I transitioned at 17 because I hated the pressures of womanhood and my own developing body. I spent years on testosterone obsessing over passing and developing body dysmorphic disorder. I now realize I was a butch lesbian all along who just needed role models. I'm getting off testosterone now and learning to radically accept my body while defiantly living outside society's rules for women.
My detransition story
My whole journey with gender started when I was a kid. I was a real tomboy, rough and tumble, and I always felt like I was supposed to be a boy. When my female friends and I hit puberty, it was like a switch flipped. They started developing in ways I was okay with, but for me, it was a real disappointment. I felt totally cheated when I started to develop breast tissue. I watched my best friends get deeper voices, bigger muscles, and grow much taller than me, and I wanted that so badly. That feeling of being cheated by nature fuelled my transition later on.
I was utterly convinced I was a boy and that I would go through male puberty. When that didn't happen, it caused me a massive amount of distress. Being referred to as a woman or a girl felt awkward and distressing, but for a long time, I couldn't figure out why it was so uncomfortable. A big part of it, I see now, was internalised sexism and homophobia. I saw my female traits as evidence of my own inferiority. I hated the baggage that comes with womanhood in our society: the pressure to perform femininity, wear makeup and bras, be quiet and meek, and be seen as a sexual object. It hurts being seen as just a walking pair of tits and hips, or a baby factory, even by doctors.
I also have extreme sensory issues. I cannot wear bras. Anything tight around my ribcage makes me feel like I'm being suffocated. I've had this issue since I was a kid. The constant pressure to wear a bra and the bizarre policing of women's bodies made me hate my breasts even more. I felt like if I wasn't constantly being told to hide a natural body part, I wouldn't have had such a strong desire to be rid of them.
All of this built up and led me to transition. I started socially transitioning as a teenager and began taking testosterone when I was 17. For a long time, I was firm in my identity as male. But that came with its own problems. I spent a lot of time and energy obsessing over whether I was "passing" or not. In my mind, if I was a man, why were my hips so wide? Why did I lack male genitalia? Why was my face so feminine? This constant comparison to biological males made my own feminine features feel grotesque, strange, and alien. It contributed to me developing body dysmorphic disorder (BDD).
A major reason I stayed on testosterone for so long was because of powerlifting. I love physical fitness, and the boost that testosterone gives to muscle growth was a huge factor for me. I was worried that if I stopped, I'd lose all the muscle I'd worked so hard for.
My thinking started to change as I got older. I realised my initial logic was flawed. It was something like: "I like to be very muscular, and have a deep voice, and I don't want to be gross [as a masculine woman], therefore I have to be a man." I started to see that I might have just been a mentally and emotionally struggling butch lesbian all along. I grew up without any butch role models, so I thought the only way I could exist without compromising my personality was to be a man. Seeing gorgeous and inspiring butch lesbians was a revelation for me.
Now, I'm in the process of getting off testosterone and healing from all that internalised stuff. I'm trying to practice radical self-acceptance. I'm working on seeing my skeletal features as just functional, mechanical parts of myself, rather than distinctly feminine traits. I'm trying to see my breasts as just organs designed to nurse young, not as something inherently sexual. I'm working out my chest and arms so that even if I have breasts, I can look at that area and see the strength and effort I put in myself.
I’m also learning to just stop giving a shit about society's rules for women. The best way to challenge these awful ideas is to live in direct opposition to them. Swear, wear men's clothing, don't shave, speak loud and authoritatively. My voice is deeper than the average woman's because of the testosterone, but I've learned to appreciate it. It commands attention and I never get spoken over by men anymore. I listened to Kathleen Turner and loved the warm resonance of her voice. I realised a deep voice can just be a quirk, not something gross.
Do I have regrets? I don't regret my transition. It was a part of my journey that made me who I am today. It's just a mark that shows my path, like scars from when I was a kid. But I do think my teenage years might have been easier if I hadn't transitioned. That time spent obsessing could have been spent on other things, like painting or making memories with friends. But we can't undo the past. All we can do is live with it and have compassion for our past selves.
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| Childhood | Felt like a tomboy, expected to go through male puberty. |
| Early Puberty (approx. 11-13) | Felt cheated and disappointed by female puberty, especially breast development. |
| 17 | Started taking testosterone and socially transitioning to male. |
| Early 20s (Present) | Realised flawed thinking, began process of detransitioning/accepting myself as a butch woman. Started working on stopping testosterone and practicing radical self-acceptance. |
Top Comments by /u/inneedofacure:
I know, right! Fucking hell. This was of the major contributors to wanting to transtion for me, I have extreme sensory issues and CAN NOT WEAR BRAS. I ignored this boundary of mine to bind for years, which probably contributed to not being to wear anything around my chest, but I digress, anything tight and totally surrounding my ribcage makes me feel like I'm being suffocated. All of my other clothing must be soft and breathable, but not too "swishy" or loud, and can not be skintight, elastic, or compressing. This makes even socks hard to wear, and I've had this issue since I was a kid. If I wasn't constantly called attention to or explicitly told I need to wear a bra, I wouldn't have had such a desire to be rid of them. This bizarre policing of women's breasts feels downright authoritarian. They're just nipples! Everybody fucking has them! My tits do not exist for your sexual pleasure, they exist to nurse young, end of discussion. I hate how so many men think they're the centre of the bloody universe and if I choose to not hide a NATURAL BODY PART, I must be a slut or intentionally trying to titilate them. FUCK THAT NOISE. GOD.
Hey OP, I felt the same, I'm currently in the process of getting off of testosterone and healing from internalised sexism and homophobia, which made me loathe my female traits and see them as evidence of my own inferiority and subjugation. My best advice is to just see them as an organ designed to nurse young, same as your ovaries are designed to release hormones and eggs, they don't need to be inherently sexual, they just have a purpose in mammalian reproduction. It can also help to start working out your chest and arms, so even if you feel stuck with breasts, you can at least look at the same area and see what YOU did, the effort that YOU put in to make your body yours.
Wishing you the very best OP, you'll get through this. 💜
Congratulations!! Same, but the reverse. I grew up without any butch role models and I thought the only way I could exist without compromising my personality was to be a man, I've only recently seen just how down-right gorgeous and inspiring butch lesbians can be.
Speak for yourself, men can be beautiful inside and out, just as women can be handsome or beautiful, we're all on our own journeys in life. I may have been a mentally and emotionally struggling butch when I went on testosterone, but it was just part of my journey as a gender nonconforming woman, and the decision made me who I am today. If you believe that masculine women are deformed you are part of the problem.
Women are women are women, regardless of your beauty standards. I am proud of my masculised voice, even if it sounds deeper than the average woman's, it commands attention when I speak and I am never again spoken over by men.
Listen to the comment above, OP, she's right. I transitioned at 17 after being firm in my identity of being "a boy"/male for many, many, many long, painful, and gender dysphoric years. It aches, it hurts, and you feel so sure of it, but I promise you it gets easier, and the pain dulls and fades over time.
I don't regret what I did, it's just a mark that shows my journey in life, same as my many countless scars on my limbs and back from being a rough and tumble child, but my teenagehood might have been easier if I hadn't pursued socially and medically transitioning; time and energy spent obsessing over whether I was "passing" or not might have been spent working out, painting, or making memories with my friends, but that's life, we can't undo the past or what we might call mistakes, all we can do is live with them, and have compassion for our past selves.
I had the physical distress that comes with expecting to grow up to be a man, but I was the same as you, it was awkward and distressing being referred to as a woman and a girl, but I couldn't figure out why it was so uncomfortable to be referred to as such. It can still rub me the wrong way now, because womanhood has so, so much baggage in our society, being forced to perform femininity, among which includes having to wear makeup and bras and soft, unutilitarian clothing, stifle one's personality to pretend to be meek and quiet, to avoid crass language, shave natural body hair, and being seen as a sexual object for men to own. It hurts being seen as just a walking pair of tits and hips, it hurts being seen as nothing more than a baby factory by even doctors, who are meant to be the most objective and understanding, it hurts having physical and mental anguish dismissed for being merely hormonal moodiness. It sucks being spoken over and having your opinions and skills seen as less valuable merely because you lack a penis. While my masculinised voice lends me authority and forces people to listen, life shouldn't have to be like this for women, I shouldn't have had to go on testosterone just to be heard, we are people just the same as men.
I have found it to be tremendously helpful for my mental state to try, everyday, to just STOP GIVING A SHIT, the best way to challenge these terrible, awful, downright stifling ideas of gender and womanhood is to live in direct opposition to them. Swear, wear men's clothing (which really lasts longer and fits better, anyway), don't shave, speak loud and authoritatively from your chest, workout and maybe pursue a job in construction when you're 18. Do everything you can to show your strengths as a human being, whatever skills you have, be they working out, academia, whatever, you can earn respect and be seen as more than just the sexist stereotypes placed upon you. It sucks that we even have to do this in the first place, but I PROMISE you it gets easier.
And hey, if you end up wanting the body modification of testosterone when you're older, nobody is stopping you, but testosterone is a rough road to be on, in respect to health and money. I implore you to first try living as the strong human being I know you can be.
Thank you so, so much for such helpful and compassionate advice, I really do appreciate it. I already workout regularly and am very into powerlifting, I like physical fitness and the boost that testosterone has to muscle fibre synthesis is the single reason why I have not yet stopped taking exogenous testosterone.
Like another commenter mentioned about "radical self-acceptance", I'm trying to work on seeing my skeletal features as just functional, mechanical parts of myself, rather than a distinctly feminine trait.
Lastly, I'm glad that a deep voice can just be a quirk and not something weird or repulsive as a woman. Maybe this is another form of emotional self-harm even thinking about this, but pre-transition I was also very into fitness and was exposed to people calling muscular and masculine women "gross", and it makes it hard to not divorce myself from the concept of womanhood, if that makes sense. My thinking was something like, I like to be very muscular, and have a deep voice, and I don't want to be gross, therefore I have to be a man. Which feels very flawed now that I'm examining these thoughts again.
Edit: I watched some videos on Kathleen Turner, I love the warm resonance to her voice, and would be perfectly happy to sound like her.
I felt this exactly, I was utterly convinced that I was a boy and would go through male puberty, it was a real disappointment when mother nature had other plans for me. I felt totally cheated when I started to develop breast tissue and my best friends got to have deeper voices, bigger muscles, and grow much taller than me. This, in large part, fuelled my transition. I think I still, at least in part, internally regard myself as male, which contributes massively to my terrible habit of comparing my body to that biological males, making my feminine features feel grotesque, strange, and alien to me. In my mind, if I am a man, why are my hips so wide, why do I lack male genitalia, why is my face so feminine? On, and on, and on, it contributed to a massive amount of distress in me, and lead to me developing BDD. Now, I am trying to work on accepting my sex as what it is, and becoming neutral about my body. It's hard, but I think it's getting better over time.
Thank you so much for a response, this has helped me a great deal. Before testosterone I was largely sedentary due to the aforementioned chronic pain, and now fitness is a very big part of my life, it's good to hear that just because I would be going off of testosterone, I wouldn't lose a significant amount of muscle mass. I really appreciate the advice, it's good to know that there are options for me. <3 Best of luck to you too, in all of your endeavours.
Maybe now that I am older I can look into using cannabis as a purely pain management technique before pursuing any form of surgery, one of the main reasons I'm looking into eventually getting off of testosterone is I'm generally fairly averse to medications and recreational drugs of all sorts, but I guess I'll have to figure out some kind of in-between.