i am “really trans”. i never woke up and realized “oh i’m actually not trans”. i woke up and realized “oh my god i am medically altering my body chasing something impossible”. i realized i would never be a biological male, and the further i transitioned, the worse the dysphoria got. the idea that i was “really a man” because i FELT like one was affirmed by everyone around me, but it’s not reality. it’s a delusion. is permanent nerve damage, horrible health effects, constant worry about “passing”, money towards surgeries, all of the relationships ruined worth it? it’s not. the gender euphoria is temporary and when it’s gone you are left with nothing. transition is not the cure for dysphoria. no one was born in the wrong body. you only get one life. you only get one body. go outside and live. stop worrying about whether you’re enough of a woman/man to identify as one. just exist. your gender is innate. you will always be your sex, no matter how much you medically alter yourself, so why not just embrace it instead of allowing plastic surgeons to convince you to hate yourself and exploit you for profit?

i always wrestled with my friends when i was younger but i remember when they started hitting puberty and suddenly it had to stop because even friendly play fights would end with me getting seriously hurt. when i started passing it was partially euphoric because it meant i was one of the guys again, but it was scary because if it did get physical i would still most certainly lose. I’ve always had a big mouth, always been confident and assertive, but that becomes more difficult to maintain once it is socially acceptable to physically attack you. i started to carry a knife and I honestly found myself becoming a pushover at a certain point just because i didn’t want it to come to that. it’s a weird social tightrope to walk.

watch this youtube channel: https://youtube.com/@dirtywhiteboi67 and read literature for butch women. your gender nonconformity is most likely an inherent part of who you are, but believing that means you’re not a woman will lead to life-altering dysphoria that will permanently damage your relationships, identity and self image. it’s hard to find spaces for butch women because queer theory and gender ideology has taken over everything, but you’re not alone and just because you have these experiences doesn’t make you not a woman. look up the instagram account @butchisnotadirtyword as well. good luck.

i would say shift your mindset from deciding if you’re “really trans” to deciding if lifelong medicalization, possible life altering health complications, and all of the sunk costs (time, money, energy, relationships, fertility, etc.) is necessary for your well being. it’s okay to have gender dysphoria and not transition, and honestly i would recommend trying other methods of coping with it before you resort to invasive medical procedures.

i would say most people do not realize that transition and detransition is that big of a deal. they genuinely do not think about it or understand it. they don’t realize how much thinking of yourself as another gender fucks up your perception of yourself. they don’t understand how painful it is, to them, it’s a very small part of who they see you as. people who have never been through this do not really think about gender that much. all women have “masculine” features. all women have parts of themselves they hate, and it sucks but you didn’t ruin yourself. you’re not damaged goods. it’ll be okay. love your body for what it does for you, not what it looks like.

i don’t know where you live, but to be honest i would suggest getting involved with any lgbt resource centers near you (be VERY wary of anyone who tries to ‘recommend’ transition) but for me seeing and talking to gender nonconforming people, reading books by them, etc was extremely helpful and healing. when we don’t see anyone like us around it can be very easy to feel confused and be filled by self loathing. be careful, don’t let anyone sell you transition as a solution to your problem.

i have autism and when i was in an institution there was a high percentage of trans identified autistic people, i don’t think autistic people are more likely to be trans but i do think a lot of the time autistic people are more likely to relate to trans stuff because some of us don’t understand gender roles and therefore think we are trans

gender non conforming is something that people apply to you, while non binary is an identity that you choose. being gnc is never truly a choice, while everyone can attempt to fit into gender stereotypes some people will never fit even if they want to. non binary is a choice

idk if you were ever on hrt but i have a theory that hrt can really change how people experience attraction. even birth control can change how people experience attraction, so any interference in our hormones can fuck with our sexuality. for me it was the opposite. being on testosterone and identifying as male made me attracted to men and made me start to lose attraction to women. when i detransitioned i lost most interest in men and gained more interest in women. idk if it’s some psychological thing or if it was just the hormones messing with my brain. i’m not a psychologist so this is just theorizing but i would guess that the neural pathways that allowed you to be attracted to women are still there, and so while you aren’t attracted to women anymore every once in a while your brain will remind you that the pathways are there. almost like an old addiction or habit.

the biggest thing to remember is that there is no internal indicator for whether someone is or isn’t trans. there’s no way to be a “legit trans person”. that’s not how it works. transition is something some people choose because it’s the only way for them to treat their dysphoria. it’s a last resort. it’s normal to be curious about being the opposite gender. it’s normal to be aroused by those sorts of sexual fantasies. most people experience that at some point. it doesn’t mean you are trans. they don’t have to mean anything. they’re just thoughts. you’ll be okay.

edit: spelling