This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, the account appears authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or inauthentic.
The user's comments display a high degree of personal introspection, nuanced understanding of complex psychological concepts (like misattribution of arousal), and a consistent, evolving personal narrative about their relationship with gender, trauma, and misogyny. The language is natural, contains personal anecdotes, and offers advice that is empathetic and non-dogmatic, which is consistent with a genuine desister/detransitioner experience.
About me
I was born male and my questioning started from a deep discomfort and a real struggle to connect with women. I confused my depression and envy of women with gender dysphoria, and I used feminine presentation online to get the female validation I craved. A turning point made me realize I was rushing into a major change to escape my underlying issues. I never medically transitioned and decided that gender wasn't the key to my happiness. Now I'm working directly on my self-esteem and learning to form healthy relationships with women.
My detransition story
My whole journey with gender started with a deep discomfort that I now realize was tangled up in a lot of other issues. I was born male, and from a young age, I had a lot of trouble connecting with women, even though I desperately wanted that validation and intimacy from them. I held a lot of internalized misogyny, this weird mix of idolizing women and then hating myself for not being able to live up to that ideal. This made it hard for me to form close friendships with women, and I think it was a big reason I initially explored transitioning.
I never wanted to be a trans woman, but I often fantasized about being a biological woman who could have children. Early on, I used to go on dating apps and show girls pictures of myself presenting femininely because they would compliment me, and those were some of the only positive interactions I had with women. It felt like a kind of operant conditioning.
My questioning about transitioning really started to break open after I got high on a substance. It made me see things I had been hiding from myself and forced me to slow down. I realized I had been rushing into the idea of a major life change without truly reflecting. I started to understand that I often couldn't tell the difference between my depression and what I was calling gender dysphoria; they felt the same to me. I also confused gender envy with sexual arousal, especially regarding lesbian relationships, which I found incredibly attractive and was envious of.
I came to see gender norms as kind of dumb and unnecessary. I decided that my gender didn't actually matter for my happiness, and focusing on it so much was making me unhappy. I started using recited phrases to counter my negative thoughts, like telling myself, "luckily gender literally has no bearing on what makes me happy."
I never medically transitioned. I didn't take hormones or have any surgeries. My exploration was mostly social—presenting femininely and dating as a lesbian for a time. But after a lot of contemplation, I decided against living full-time that way. I didn't think it was necessary for me to be happy.
I don't really have regrets about exploring my gender because it led me to a better understanding of myself. But I do see now that a lot of my drive to transition was coming from trauma, low self-esteem, depression, and a deep desire to escape from myself and my problems. I benefited greatly from stepping back and thinking it all through instead of rushing into anything permanent. I'm now trying to work through my underlying issues, like my misogyny and my difficulty forming relationships with women, in a more direct way.
Age | Date (if available) | Event |
---|---|---|
Early 20s | Various dates in 2021 | Explored gender identity online and socially; presented femininely on dating apps. |
23 | Late 2021 | Had a significant realization after using a substance, leading me to seriously question transitioning. |
23 | Late 2021 - 2022 | Engaged in deep self-reflection; decided against medical or full-time social transition. |
24 | 2023 | Continued to solidify my perspective, focusing on deconstructing gender norms and addressing root causes of my distress. |
Top Comments by /u/jayclaveria:
There's no need to make a decision. Think of it like this, a lot of people have concluded gender norms are kind of dumb and unnecessary. Why not just focus on things that make you happy. Your gender doesn't matter. When you focus on it, of course it's going to feel weird. That's because it is weird. It's kind of similar to how it would feel, if you spent most of your life in a cult and then realized it was all BS. If gender transitioning is supposed to make you happy, and you thinking about it all the time isn't making you happy, do something else. I know it's hard when your brain focuses onto it. I find practicing some recited phrases when you have those thoughts are the most helpful things to do. For example, if you're like, "ugh! I hate.my gender" you'd counter it with, "luckily gender literally has no bearing on what makes me happy ."
Probably not. I think if we had a majority of MtFtM detransitioners, we'd probably have less recognition. A lot of the media presence of detransitioners is focused on, "poor confused girl was oppressed by patriarchy and thought she was a boy, and she ends up destroying her body." Transwomen face a lot more descrimination and hate crimes than transmen already, and transmen receive a lot more social acceptance in general. Like trans participation in sports, isn't really a discussion about transmen.
Additionally transwomen are viewed as perverse and it being a sexual thing as opposed to an emotional experience. If we had a larger MtFtM presence we probably would face more dismissiveness because people would say, "oh their sex drive went away from hormones, so they destransitioned," or whatever hate they would like.
FtMtF are dismissed because there's a narrative that gender dysphoria means transitioning is necessary and right instantly. That cis people can't question their gender, and the cis people can't engage in gender nonconforming behaviors without having to completely change their identity. Like tomboys were a thing when I was a kid. Not a thing anymore. Most tomboy's are now nonbinary. Lots of people also identify as nonbinary now as more a political statement than anything else.
Substances have been kind of known to make people realize things about themselves that they've been hiding. My awakening the legitimately questioning transitioning was caused by me getting high. I think the appropriate thing to do would be to just wait. It's never too late to change course. I think a lot of people rush into making major life changes without realizing that they have a lot of time to reflect on themselves and who they are.
However, I think asking the question what do I do, isn't the most appropriate. Ultimately, what you do can only be decided by you. I think any advice I tell you in regards to what you do, unless you choose to fully do it yourself, would just be a cop out and bad faith. I think right now, I'd just spend time thinking and reflecting on what makes you happiest and whether or not gender presentation is actually consequential to any of it.
Additionally, I think truly reflecting on emotions is very important more so than the immediate feeling you have. Physiologically, people don't actually have that many different "feelings" for emotions. Like feeling scared and feeling in love physiologically are very similar. Look up the suspension bridge effect and misattributions of arousal for more evidence of this. I think really letting yourself feel emotions and what is the source of said emotion will be most helpful to you. Your feelings could be entirely valid and correct in saying that you missed being a cute and pretty. It could also be you became nostalgic. It could also be you became anxious or sad and recognized that as gender dysphoria. That's something I frequently do. I tend not to be able to differentiate depression episodes and gender dysphoria as they go hand in hand for me.
Overall though, I'm sure you'll be able to find a good answer to what will make you most fulfilled in life. I'm sorry that you're going though it. I also don't mean to sound dismissive of your emotions when I mention misattributions of arousal. I just think is an under talked about issue when It comes to dysphoria. Feel free to PM also if you need to talk to someone.
I don't think there's a great metric to determine the suffering imposed by transitioning then detransitioning. It's also kind of missing the forest for the trees in the sense that establishing a hierarchy of who suffers more from detransutioning doesn't really do much.
Furthermore this ignores the complexity of individual trans people's experiences and how they intersect with other facets of their life, including how long they have transitioned, what have they done to transition, where they transitioned, where they detransitioned, what they community has historically been, why they chose to transition and why they chose to detransition.
Just measuring that generally taking T has more permanent effects than taking E ignores a lot of information. Like if two people take opposite sex hormones for one year each then decide that's not what's best, all other things held the same. It's ultimately inconclusive. The amount hormones effect you is incredibly unique to you. Some people have been on hormones for a year and hardly anything about their body has changed. Some people it's the opposite. This also doesn't take into consideration any of the other acts you can do to transition medically as well.
As far as the social aspects, that's also incredibly unique. We could say a lot of girls are transitioning to men in order to escape patriarchy, but we ultimately don't know. Lots of people do historical revisions to their own lives for one to try to understand and make sense of what they have experienced or chose. Further, that measurement only takes into consideration why a woman would choose to transition and detransition. The narrative of why men transition and detransition general is less sympathetic, or poor girl victim of patriarchy and much more sex addict pedophile. The accuracy of either of these societal narratives is questionable to say the least.
Furthermore this ignores the experience of a lot of detransitioned men who describe that they failed to live up to masculine ideals. That is also a victim of patriarchy who transition and subsequent detransition held no benefit to the overall dismantling of patriarchy.
Overall this is just a very two dimensional analysis of the detransitioned experience that takes no consideration for any other aspects of the life of these people who are ultimately all victims of an oppressive system of gender norms. Establishing a hierarchy of suffering within this community really serves no purpose since most of the suffering we have experienced from transitioning and subsequently detransitioning is more likely reflective of other portions of our lives, such as class, race, geographical location.
Yeah, gender is really fucking weird. When people really think about gender as a whole, no one really fits into their assigned gender role perfectly. No one is a true manly man, or a perfect women. When we think of relationships especially gender roles come into very clear focus. Gender becomes very constricting as men and women have very clear roles to play. It makes sense that if there's a role you'd feel more comfortable in relationship was that you'd feel envious. I am AMAB and I'm very envious of lesbian relationships. So I occasionally present as a lesbian and I date lesbian, but after much contemplation I decided against living full time as a lesbian as I didn't think it necessary.
Honestly humans understanding of gender is very complex and our ability to understand things about how we feel is very limited. I personally can't tell the difference between gender envy and sexual arousal all that well as I do find lesbians incredibly attractive. Of course, these feeling can grow and subside with time. My feelings and my current partners feelings definitely fluctuate on this topic. It's very nice having someone you know who accepts you and can roll with the punches of these fluctuations and understand them.
As far as how you phrased things, this sub is good at respecting people's identity and pronouns and what not, but I also feel is much more practical as we're talking about transitioning several times and things can become confusing. So realistically, as long as it's clear as you mean no ill will and you're not using outdated hateful language, you won't really receive hate for how you phase things.
Thanks so much! I think I'm in a similar boat as you from what you described. My family is conservative and aren't super comfortable with homosexuality let alone trans stuff. I never want to be a trans women, but I do fantasize about being a biological women who can have children. Based off this post I'm more encouraged to try to seek a therapist again. I've been in therapy before, but I never discussed my gender or childhood trauma as I lived in denial. How did you reconcile your misogyny with your dysphoria?
Honestly I feel a lot of guilt towards holding misogynistic views. I don't think I'm justified in holding them and I feel like it's my fault that I haven't let go of my trauma and it's impacting other people. It makes it kind of hard for me to develop deep personal relationships with women, even though I know it's something I'm constantly seeking. I think at any given point in my life, I've always only had one or two girl friends. It also has been a disincentive for me to transition fully as I dislike girl to girl friendships. It's like a weird idolization of women combined with an intense hatred for failing to meet the idolization.
I have many good male friends, but there's this level of intimacy that I never have managed to reach with any man and it's a validation I'm specifically seeking from women. Very early on in my gender explorations, I would go on dating apps and show girls pictures of me in femme because they usually complimented me. I think that might have been some kind of operant conditioning as it was frequently the most positive interactions I've had with women.