This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, this account appears to be authentic.
There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or an inauthentic user. The comments demonstrate:
- Personal, nuanced reflection on complex topics like internal conflict, trauma, and masculinity/femininity.
- Consistent perspective across multiple months, detailing a specific personal struggle with dysphoria and the decision not to transition.
- Emotional depth and a conversational tone, including personal anecdotes and empathetic engagement with other users.
- Typographical errors (e.g., "yourslef," "anout," "workinh") that are consistent with human typing.
About me
My journey started with a deep shame about my body and a negative view of masculinity, which made me want to escape myself by identifying as trans. I realized my discomfort wasn't about truly wanting to be a woman, but about wanting to embrace feminine qualities I felt disconnected from as a man. I've come to understand that the real goal is to balance both my masculine and feminine energies instead of rejecting who I am. Now, I'm stuck in a difficult limbo, not planning to transition but also not yet having the strength to fully stop escaping and embrace my real self. I don't regret avoiding medical transition, but I deeply regret the years I spent believing it was the only answer.
My detransition story
My whole journey with gender has been a long and confusing one, rooted in a deep desire to escape from myself. I never fully transitioned medically, but I spent a long time identifying as trans and wrestling with the idea. For me, I believe being trans is the ultimate form of self-escapism. It’s about wanting to run away from who you are because facing the real issues feels too monumental.
A lot of my discomfort started with my body. I was deeply ashamed of my body, specifically because of the size of my penis. This shame made me completely reject my own masculinity. I saw masculinity as something negative and damaging, partly because of the traumatic example set by a masculine figure in my own childhood. I had a friend who felt the same way, whose dysphoria was heavily tied to the type of father he had and how he traumatized the family. I think I wanted to protect the women in my life from men like that, and in doing so, I ended up rejecting that part of myself entirely.
I spent a lot of time thinking about whether I actually wanted to be a woman, or if I just wanted to embody feminine qualities. That was an eye-opening distinction for me. I realized that, socially, men are often taught to disconnect from their feminine energies. I started to wonder if I could just learn to cultivate those feminine energies as a man, without rejecting my masculine self. The goal, I think, is to balance both the masculine and feminine energies inside you and use any excess energy in a productive way, not a destructive one like transitioning felt for me.
If I had understood the true meaning of being a man when I was younger—something to be proud of, something strong and positive—I might not have disconnected from my masculinity in the first place. I’m proud of my masculine qualities now, but it took me a long time to get here. The world feels messed up, and I feel sorry for younger kids growing up in this madness who might not have the clarity they need.
I’m in a kind of horrible limbo now. I haven’t transitioned, and I don’t plan to, but I’m also not doing the hard work to get closer to my real self. That journey requires a strength that I just don’t have right now. I’m too attached to the idea of escape and the comfort it falsely promises. It’s a constant, lingering dysphoria. I don't regret not transitioning, but I regret the years I spent stuck in this confusion, believing that changing my gender was the only answer. The real remedy is to stop wanting to escape, but that’s a monumental task.
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| Childhood | Felt early shame about my body and developed a negative view of masculinity due to a traumatic male figure. |
| Teenage Years | Began experiencing dysphoria, rejecting masculinity, and questioning my gender identity. |
| Early 20s | Explored identifying as trans but did not pursue medical transition. Wrestled with the concept of self-escapism. |
| Mid-Late 20s | Gained clarity on the difference between wanting to be a woman and wanting to embody feminine energy. Began working on accepting my masculine self. |
| Present (Late 20s) | In a state of limbo; not transitioning but not fully self-actualized. Acknowledging the need for strength to stop escaping. |
Top Comments by /u/jaydacruze:
as someone with dysphoria i believe being trans is self-escapism at its best. i havent transitioned, not will I, but I'm not doing much to get closer to myself either. it needs strength, and people vary on that spectrum and im obv not strong enough or im too attached to her and all that she brings. its a horrible limbo.
When I say embeacing masculinity, I do not mean negating the femininity. I understand we are a mix of both feminine and masculine energies and that the idea is to balance them, and to utilize any excess energies in a productive, rather than a destructive (as in the the case of transitioning) manner. Clarity I guess is what we lacked, which is sadly that way because of how the world runs. If I knew when I was a child the true meaning of being a man, something I would've been proud of (as I am today of my masculine qualities, wouldn't have disconnected myself from masculine energy that way. The world is so fucked up and I don't think it'll get any better. I feel sorry for the younger generations being born into this madness 🥲
another good one was whether i wanted to BE a woman or if i wanted to embody feminine qualities, in the energetic sense, which was also eyeopening because socially men are desigbed to disconnect themselves from their feminine energies, and I always wondered whether I could just utilize/cultivate these energies, as a man, while workinh hard on not rejecting my masculine self, which in my case has been heavily influenced throughout my life due the unfortunate size of my penis
Yeah that's why I could never fully come to the conclusion that yes it is self escapism and that the real remedy is to stop wanting to escape. It's also a question if whether one has the strength and awareness to embark on that monumental task instead of easily achieving comfort and just putting up with the little, constant dysphoria that forever lingers! I could never be sure anout that conclusion because despite its truthfulness, it might not be the path for everyone, and thay life isn't that rosey. You said it yourslef, 10 years of therapy and still struggling. I wonder though, would you choose to walk that same path again if you knew 10 years down the line it would be like this? Mind elaborating on what changed and what didn't for you?
For sure. Ashamed of their bodies or ashamed of a masculine figure in their life as children, or wanting to protect the their mothers or sisters from such men (i.e their father). I have a friend who is also dysphoric and it's big part due to the type of father he had and how he traumatized the whole family.
Regarding what you said about it being better to transition for some people, please see my reply to schoolbag's comment.
I understand what you mean but self actualization but I would still call it wrongful self actualization because the true self remaines dissonant and dysphoric.
What do you mean by the dysphoria not being oppressive?
Are there mant therapists who would have that stance? I'm not in the US and I thought it was becoming illegal for a therapist to advice against non transitioning and converting back. It sounds like a nightmare. I'm happy you find someone that can actually help and that you're finding your peace ❤️