My whole journey with transition and detransition was long and complicated. It started from a place of deep unhappiness with myself. I had a lot of trauma in my past that caused me to disconnect from my body, and I think that was the real root of my problems. I never felt like I fit in, especially as a teenage girl, and the discomfort of puberty was intense. I hated the changes in my body, particularly developing breasts. It felt like my body was betraying me.

I found a lot of my answers online and in certain communities that immediately affirmed the idea that my discomfort meant I was born in the wrong body. It was like a lightbulb went off, and I latched onto the trans identity as an explanation for all my pain. It felt like an escape from being me. I started taking testosterone, and for a while, it felt like a solution. But the hormones really messed with my mind. They didn't fix the underlying issues; they just added a new layer of problems.

What really helped me start to untangle everything was finding the right kind of therapy. I specifically looked for a therapist who wasn't a "gender therapist," because I felt those only had an agenda to affirm and not to question. I found an older woman, a feminist, who was skilled in working with women with body image issues. We used Jungian and CBT therapies, and that's when I started to work through the trauma that caused me to disassociate from my body in the first place. I also took anxiety medication, which definitely helped me get to a place where I could think more clearly. I realized that I had been caught up in a highly politicized movement, and that it wasn't my fault.

Coming off testosterone was a major step. My body did start to produce estrogen again, and things began to go back to a more natural state for me, both physically and mentally. My mental health improved significantly once I was no longer on cross-sex hormones. I also had to deal with a partner who was not supportive of my detransition. He told me he would end all ties with me and despise me if I stopped taking hormones. That was a real eye-opener; it showed me that anyone who would want you to continue taking something that's not good for your health doesn't have your best interests at heart.

Looking back, I see now that my issues were never really about gender. They were about trauma, self-esteem, and not knowing how to cope with being a woman in a world that often makes it difficult. I don't believe there's a right or wrong way to be a woman. I regret the physical changes I went through from the hormones, and I regret not dealing with my core issues sooner. But I don't regret the journey because it ultimately led me to a much healthier place where I can accept myself as the woman I am. This whole experience has made me see the desperate need for more open conversations where people can question and explore without immediate pressure to medically transition.

Here is a timeline of my journey based on what I remember: