This story is from the comments by /u/jonahdwhale that are listed below, summarised with AI.
User Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, the account appears authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or a bad-faith actor.
The user's narrative is highly detailed, internally consistent, and emotionally complex. They describe a long-term (20-year) lived experience with transition, including specific personal reflections on family, faith, regret, and the evolution of their views over decades. The tone is passionate and critical, which aligns with the genuine anger and concern many detransitioners and desisters feel. The account shows the nuance of someone who does not fully regret their own transition but is deeply critical of the current medical and social landscape.
About me
I never felt like a girl from a very young age, and the pressure to be feminine was exhausting. I transitioned twenty years ago, and while it gave me my wonderful wife and children, it didn't fix the deep emptiness I felt inside. I now feel stuck between two worlds, not truly a man and not a woman, and I struggle with the idea that I might have been happier just living as a masculine female. My faith has brought me some peace, but I worry for young people today who are rushed into medical changes without the necessary support and questioning. I don't regret my family, but I do regret that I felt I had no other path to be myself.
My detransition story
My journey with gender started when I was very young. I remember being four or five years old, sitting in the bathtub and wondering what had happened to my penis. I genuinely thought something terrible must have happened and my parents were keeping it a secret from me. I never felt like a girl, and no one ever accepted me as a masculine one. The pressure to be feminine was exhausting. I tried so hard to fit in with other girls in my early teens, but it never went well; they always found me strange. I felt like I was told over and over that being me was not good enough as a female. I didn't want to wear fashionable clothes, style my hair, or wear makeup. I didn't want people to look at me as someone attractive.
I didn't even know what "transgender" was until I was 19. But once I learned, it felt like an answer. I came out and started my transition in 2004 when I was 20 years old. At the time, I believed the only reason to transition was if your internal sense of self didn't align with your physical body, and that was my entire reality. I raged against the gatekeeping at the time—the required therapy, the period of social transition before hormones, the letters needed for top surgery. But I did it all because I understood it was necessary. Now, looking back, I see why those parameters were in place and I think they made good sense.
I was on testosterone and had top surgery. I’ve been incredibly fortunate to pass 100% of the time. Had I not been able to pass, I know I would have regretted transition. I’ve now lived almost 20 years as a man, nearly half my life. I have an amazing wife and three wonderful kids who only know me as their dad. My kids don't know I'm trans; I plan to tell them when they are old enough to understand.
For a long time, I was able to just push it all away and live my life. But lately, I’ve been struggling. I’m in a season of deep reflection. I don’t feel pride in being trans; it feels shameful. The inner turmoil never really left. While transitioning helped with the outward stuff, inside I’ve always felt like an imposter. When I was younger, I was perceived as a girl, which I never was. Now I’m perceived as a man, which is closer to how I feel, but I know I am not a biological male. I feel stuck between two worlds, not truly a man and not a woman either. Maybe a eunuch is the most accurate term.
I’ve grappled heavily with the idea of detransitioning. Part of me thinks it would bring peace to stop "pretending" and just be a very masculine female. I'm tired of the lying and hiding. But for me, detransitioning feels like a selfish move now. It would devastate my family. My wife is straight; we would break up. My kids would be without their dad. I’ve built this entire life, and to unravel it would cause immense harm to the people I love most. I committed to this path, and now I feel I have to see it through.
My faith has become a huge part of my life again. I was raised Christian but fell away in high school. I’ve struggled with anxiety, depression, and used many things to escape—drugs, alcohol, porn, nicotine. I’m five years sober and six months free from nicotine and porn. Getting sober made me realize I had been trying to fill an emptiness with worldly things. I started focusing on my health and found my way back to Jesus. Before I transitioned, I prayed and asked God if He would hate me for transitioning. I had a powerful experience where I felt lifted up and filled with peace, and I heard, "It will be okay." I took that as a sign and moved forward. Now, I have faith that He can save someone like me. My family is the good fruit of my life, and I believe God sees that.
I have a lot of thoughts on the current state of things. I believe social contagion is a real problem. You can’t tell me it’s not when you see a high school with numerous trans kids in one grade. I don’t believe that many kids need surgical or hormonal intervention. The gatekeeping that I hated is now gone, and I think that’s dangerous. Medical transition is being pushed as a miracle cure, but it’s not. It’s a cosmetic modification to help you move through the world, but it doesn’t guarantee happiness or that you’ll even pass. The trans community now treats any questioning or caution as hateful, and that silences important conversations. I was called transphobic back in 2007 for not calling feminine gay men in a jail where I worked "women," even though they didn't identify that way. I disengaged from the community then, but I feel now that staying silent isn't an option.
I worry immensely for my daughters. This trend seems to be having a huge impact on young girls. Normal insecurities are being labeled as gender dysphoria. I fear for the integrity of women's sports and spaces. When I transitioned, I accepted that I would never participate in competitive sports again because of locker room situations; it was a trade-off I was willing to make. Now, the expectations are different, and I don’t think it’s in a good way.
Do I have regrets? It’s complicated. I don’t regret my transition in the sense that it gave me my family and a life I love. But I do feel pangs of regret that I’ll never be whole. I wonder if I could have found happiness without transitioning if I had just been accepted as a masculine girl, a tomboy. I wonder if that would have given me the time and space to find myself without medical intervention. But that wasn’t the world I lived in then. My life is good now, and I am content with my body and my gender identity as much as I think I ever will be. I’ve made my peace with "it is what it is."
| Age | Year | Event |
|---|---|---|
| 4-5 | ~1988-89 | First recalled childhood dysphoria, wondering about my body in the bathtub. |
| Teen Years | Late 1990s | Felt immense pressure to be feminine; tried and failed to fit in with other girls. |
| 19 | ~2003 | Learned what "transgender" meant for the first time. |
| 20 | 2004 | Came out and began social transition. Started required therapy. |
| 21 | 2005 | Began testosterone hormone therapy. |
| 22 | 2006 | Underwent top surgery. |
| 20-39 | 2004-2023 | Lived stealth as a man. Built a life, got married, and became a dad to three kids. |
| 39 | 2023 | Period of deep reflection and questioning, grappling with my identity and the current cultural climate around transition. |
Top Reddit Comments by /u/jonahdwhale:
Thank you so much for this kind hearted response. I really feel so grateful that I reached out here and was able to connect with so many kind humans.
I guess maybe I’ve got to step back a little bit. I don’t know. The state of the world worries me so much sometimes. I just feel like some of this has really sunk into the realm of true evil and I do not say that lightly. But you’re right the ideologues have been getting to me.
Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone in feeling this way. The madness of the world sometimes gets me convinced that maybe I’m just crazy too.
I heard somewhere recently about social contagion theory and I absolutely believe this is a huge contributor into the dis information around transition. You can’t tell me that social contagion isn’t real- when you have a high school with numerous trans kids in one grade. I just don’t believe there are that many kids who are in need of surgical or hormonal intervention. I think there are too many medical “professionals” out there who are cashing in on this and because any regulation is “transphobic” my guess is it is poorly regulated and monitored
It’s a delicate balance. I came out in 2004- there was some pushback from my parents, almost no pushback from my friends. Honestly I don’t think many people were surprised.
I still feel very firmly that my identity is masculine and I am most comfortable moving through the world as a male, but it is not without drawbacks.
What I see as the most disturbing thing is that medical transition is pushed as being a “cure” when at best it’s cosmetic modification to enable one to move through the world more closely to how they identify. But there are no guarantees that you will pass 100% of the time and then what?
Even if you pass 100% of the time, you are never truly fully a man or a woman, you will forever be in between and most people do not talk about that.
I still feel like an imposter when I think about it. I’m definitely not a woman but I’m not a man either. Maybe eunuch is the most accurate.
I question how well medical transition really works for most people, even though I feel it’s worked relatively well for me, and I vehemently believe that prepubescent transition is something that should really be dissuaded by whatever compassionate means necessary. Puberty blockers are not temporary like they have been advertised and I just only learned this recently. Jazz Jennings is a good example of this and I believe she is struggling mightily with the results of her SRS which gave less than desireable results for her largely as a result of being on puberty blockers for so long.
It’s a rough road. I don’t have the answers but I know what we got going on right now ain’t it. Unfortunately it won’t change easily because the trans community is so ferocious about protecting access to this dubious treatment
Oh my goodness! I get this entirely. I feel the same way, but I am female to male. Deep stealth, I have a wife and 3 kids- my kids do not know that I am trans. In fact, no one in my day to day life knows I am trans except for my wife and my parents.
I dont feel as much concern in my everyday life about being found out as trans, but I do understand the concept of knowing that you are not exactly what everyone thinks you are and the negative impacts that come along with it.
I am tired of the lying too.
But I dont know that I could or would ever detransition, I have lived as a male for almost 20 years now (I've spent half my life in each gender) at this point I would have a very difficult time detransitioning and living as female. In fact, if I did, I know I would not fit into society's norms or expectations of a female.
BUT what I do find desireable about detransition is that there would be no more lying, no more hiding, my body would match my gender and pronouns- my socially expected "duty" (not sure if that is the right term to use here- because I am not sure we have an obligation to anyone regarding our gender, but society seems to feel differently) as it comes to my sex and gender presentation would be fulfilled and while there would certainly be folks in society who wouldnt like that I was a masculine woman, it seems slightly better than to present as something I am not or could ever be.
The other thing I have thought about, regarding truth, is would I feel better it I was out as trans, instead of just presenting as male? I have a hard time with this too, my wife and kids have only ever known me as male and I feel like identifying as trans may unnecessarily complicate their lives. I know my wife is very against the idea of me being out as trans. Personally, with all of the gender crap going on in the US, I prefer to stay out of it too, but maybe that is just contributing to the problem.
I believe 100% that there are people like you and me who dont easily fit in anywhere. The road for us is not easy, as we have both come to know, a successful transition with out birth gender firmly in the past does not bring the healing and peace that we once thought it might. I think this is important information for people in the medical community to know about and absolutely imperative information for anyone considering transition
Thank you for this. I agree it may be beneficial to talk to others like me. But at the same point in time I am so over engaging with the trans community in any form. Honestly the first time I was called transphobic from other trans people was 2007 and I’ve basically disengaged since then. More recently a friend of mine transitioned from MTF and she also turned against me (I don’t think she knew I was trans until she came out and I came out to show solidarity). I was genuinely confused because she acted the same way once she started to transition as she did pre transition. We had similar interests in music and outdoor sports and I was pretty comfortable with her and I just kind of got used to saying “dude” a lot around her not necessarily even meaning it to be gendered (my wife hates it when I call her dude but growing up in the 90s dude became the way addressed most peers) anyway I did apologize but our relationship was never the same after. My apology was genuine and I told her I know how shitty it is to be misgendered. But I don’t understand transitioning and not attempting to pass? To me it sort of negates the whole idea of transitioning
Yes. This is something I have discussed with my wife. She has in fact wondered openly why I am having such a struggle now with my transition so long after it occurred. Part of it is this gatekeeping piece. I know I struggled and raged at the gatekeeping of my own transition at the time, but now I see why those parameters were in place and to me they make good sense.
I did not like that I had to do therapy and that I had to socially transition for a period of time before I was able to get hormones prescribed or that I had to get a letter from my therapist and my endocrinologist to get top surgery, but I did understand why it was necessary and I did not feel like it was wise to fight against it. With all of those regulatory things taken away, it seems so much more likely that someone will get hormones or surgery and then come to regret it later.
I think this has been especially compounded by the idea that gatekeeping is bad, and that anything less than enthusiastic parental support is hateful and abusive. If one of my kids came to me and suggested they thought they were trans we would approach the whole situation with an abundance of caution before we immediately went shopping for new clothes and changed names/ pronouns- there absolutely would be therapy appointments- not because being trans is bad or wrong, but because I feel like its waaaaay to serious to just jump in to.
My life is pretty dang good. And I do feel content with my gender ID and body as much as I think I ever will be able. De transitioning would not change the simple fact that 20 years ago I decided that this path was right for me. I still feel pangs of regret in that I’ll never be whole, but I do believe this was the best path for me.
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story with me.
I always wanted to be a parent and I’ve been so blessed to be dad to three wonderful kids. Being a parent does crazy things to you and it puts the whole world in a different perspective when your paradigm shifts from you to being responsible for compassionately helping them grow up to be decent human beings to others and themselves.
Your story is and others like it makes me so so nervous for my girls. Unfortunately I feel like this trend is having a huge impact on young girls. Others try to convince them that the insecurities they feel (which are totally normal) are gender dysphoria and couldn’t be anything else.
I hope you are feeling whole and well as your journey has continued on. Honestly and truly thank you again for your perspective
I sincerely thank you for this. I feel conflicted, because I know there are people out there that who will genuinely benefit from medical transition, but I feel like its efficacy as a treatment is being severely over-hyped. It is this distorted message that is giving people a false hope of what can actually be achieved.
I feel so strongly about women's sports being protected because my middle school daughter is an athlete- I fear for the integrity of sport being maintained for biological females in the future. I also know that she would be incredibly uncomfortable if there were a person with male genitalia in her locker room- and I would be too.
Its so interesting when I transitioned, I basically discounted the idea of ever being able to participate in competitive sport ever again (I grew up playing basketball and soccer) because I knew locker room situations would be uncomfortable for me and possibly for others. It was a trade off I was willing to make to quell my dysphoria and i did not believe that society owed me anything else outside of that. Its different now and I dont think it is different in a good way.
Interestingly, I coach my daughters basketball team and we played a team with a very masculine girl who was a tremendous athlete and the parents on my team were so upset- they believed she was a biological male. However, I am almost 100% certain that she is just a girl who is masculine, but now she has to face discrimination that would otherwise have never existed but for the prevalence of transness in this day in age. I felt bad for that girl, because people are already labeling her as boy- I wouldnt be surprised if she gets shoved into the trans kid pipeline.
I actually saw Buck Angel on a podcast the other day and I would say that I am very much in line with his views.
I appreciate that. It’s worked out fine. I think I’m more so grappling with the idea that transition is now being proffered as a miracle cure and I’m acutely aware that it is not and I get tired of trans folks treating it like it is. I wonder if I would have ultimately found happiness without transitioning- I used to be very skeptical of this idea and now, and now I wonder about it. I am fortunate in that I have an amazing life and family that would not have been possible in this capacity had I not transitioned. As I am now able to look back with more clarity I wonder if that would be helpful to others but the climate of the trans community almost certainly would shut me out like they do to de trans people
No. Giving birth was something I never wanted for myself. Having biological children is something I wrestled with for a while but ultimately I just couldn’t even stop testosterone long enough to even harvest eggs. My wife gave me my wonderful children by use of a sperm donor. My kids don’t even know I’m trans. I will tell them when I feel they are old enough to comprehend what that means for them. Right now I just focus on raising them and loving them like any dad would.