My whole journey with gender started because I just felt so uncomfortable with myself. I was born female and I never really felt like I fit in, especially when I was a teenager. I hated my breasts and I hated getting my period; it just felt wrong and made me really anxious. I think a lot of it was also about not liking how I looked and having pretty low self-esteem. I used to be considered sort of traditionally attractive—skinny, blue eyes, nice hair—and I think I was scared of losing that, but also hated the attention that came with it.

I started identifying as non-binary first, and then later as a trans man. A lot of my feelings were wrapped up in my body and these physical things I hated. I thought testosterone would fix everything. I started T and was on it for almost a year. At first, some changes were okay, but then other things started to really bother me. My voice began to drop and it scared me. I gained a lot of weight, got bad acne, and my hair got messed up. I started to feel really ugly, which was the opposite of what I wanted.

I stopped the hormones about two months ago because my voice was causing me so much distress; it just didn't feel like me and I felt horrible about it. Coming off T was really hard emotionally. I felt like I had made a huge mistake and I was terrified about what I had done to my body. My voice is in a more comfortable place for me now, but it's a permanent change I have to live with.

I never got any surgery, but I thought about top surgery a lot. I'm glad I didn't go through with it because I realize now that my discomfort was more about body dysmorphia and hanging my self-worth on how I looked, rather than actually being a man.

Therapy has been the biggest help for me. I see a therapist and it's been crucial in working through my feelings. It's not an affirming therapist; we actually dig into the why behind my feelings, which is what I needed. I needed to understand the root of my discomfort instead of just trying to change my body to match a feeling. I'm working on accepting my body as it is now, with all the changes from T and the parts I originally hated.

I don't think I was ever really trans. I think I was a girl who was deeply uncomfortable with puberty, with the expectations placed on women, and with myself. I used the idea of being trans as a form of escapism from my own life and my depression. I don't regret exploring my identity because it led me to where I am now, but I do regret taking testosterone. I regret the permanent changes, especially to my voice. I'm learning to live with it, but it's a constant reminder of a decision I made when I was very lost.

My thoughts on gender now are that it's incredibly complicated and medical intervention is a huge deal. For me, it wasn't the right path. I'm trying to just be me, without any labels, and focus on being healthy and happy in the body I have.