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Reddit user /u/knifedude's Detransition Story

Detransitioned: 22
female
internalised homophobia
hated breasts
took hormones
regrets transitioning
trauma
got top surgery
body dysmorphia
retransition
homosexual
puberty discomfort
intersex
This story is from the comments by /u/knifedude that are listed below, summarised with AI.
On Reddit, people often share their experiences across multiple comments or posts. To make this information more accessible, our AI gathers all of those scattered pieces into a single, easy-to-read summary and timeline. All system prompts are noted on the prompts page.
User Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious

Based on the provided comments, the account appears authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or inauthentic.

The user's narrative is highly detailed, internally consistent over time, and reflects complex, personal introspection common in genuine detransitioners. The account describes a nuanced journey of medical transition, alleviation of dysphoria, and subsequent social detransition, including specific personal experiences like relationships, surgery outcomes, and hormonal changes. The passion and specific critiques (e.g., of medical practices, internalized homophobia) align with the expected perspective of a real detransitioned individual.

About me

I was born female and my discomfort started in childhood, worsened by early puberty and the trauma of being sexualized. I transitioned because I thought my hatred for my breasts and my masculinity meant I was a man. Top surgery completely cured my chest dysphoria, which was the key that made me realize I wasn't a man at all. I stopped testosterone and now live happily as a masculine woman with a flat chest. I finally understand that I can be a woman and look exactly how I want.

My detransition story

My journey with gender has been long and complicated, but I’ve come out the other side with a much clearer understanding of myself. I was born female, and from a very young age, I felt deeply uncomfortable with my body. I have an intersex condition that caused me to start puberty much earlier than my peers. I had breasts long before anyone else, and they always felt wrong. I felt alienated from other girls because my body was so different, and I was sexualized by boys at school and even adult men from a very young age. It was traumatizing. I even tried talking to a child psychologist about my discomfort with my chest, but it made me so uneasy I never went back.

This discomfort only grew as I got older. I hated my breasts. They made me feel like a sex object for men or a potential mother, and both ideas were horrible to me. I started binding my chest and desperately wishing I could have them removed long before I ever thought I might be trans. I also struggled with my identity as a woman. I felt horrible about the idea of being an "ugly" woman, and I was especially disgusted by the thought of anyone seeing me as a butch lesbian. I knew I was attracted to women, but that realization made me feel terrible, and I repressed it.

When I discovered the trans community, everything seemed to click into place, but in hindsight, for the wrong reasons. I was told that my intense desire to be masculine and have a flat chest meant I was really a man. I convinced myself that was true. At 18, I easily got a prescription for testosterone and started taking it. I lived stealth as a man for years. I loved the changes from testosterone—every new hair, my deeper voice, building muscle. I experienced what people call gender euphoria. It felt like I was finally transforming into who I was supposed to be.

After a year on testosterone, I got top surgery. That surgery was the turning point for me. The constant, overwhelming dysphoria about my chest that I had lived with since childhood just vanished. With that huge source of distress gone, I was suddenly hit with the realization that I wasn't a man. I had been using the identity of a man to give myself permission to be masculine and to escape the misogyny and the fear of being seen as a lesbian. I realized I was a lesbian, and that calling myself a gay trans man was just an elaborate way of running from that truth.

So, I decided to detransition. I weaned myself off testosterone over a few months. I don't regret my physical transition at all. Testosterone and top surgery alleviated my dysphoria so much that they allowed me to finally feel comfortable enough to embrace being a woman. I am happy with my deeper voice and my flat chest. I feel like an androgynous woman, and that feels authentic to me. My only regret is that I convinced myself I was a man instead of understanding from the beginning that I could just be a masculine woman.

Living as a man was easier in a lot of ways—I escaped a lot of the harassment and objectification women face. Sometimes I miss that ease. But living a lie was exhausting. I never truly felt like a man, and I found the process of constantly having to come out to people as trans to be embarrassing and draining. Now, I’m learning to accept that there's nothing wrong with being a woman, and I can look and act however I want. I don't have to be feminine. My body is my own, and it deserves my acceptance, even if it doesn't look "normal." My mental health and self-image are better than they've ever been.

Here is a timeline of the major events:

Age Event
18 Started testosterone after a quick referral from my doctor.
19 Had top surgery. This alleviated my chest dysphoria completely.
22 Realized I was a lesbian and not a man. Began the process of stopping testosterone.
23 Had been off testosterone for about a year and was living comfortably as a masculine woman.

Top Reddit Comments by /u/knifedude:

42 comments • Posting since March 16, 2019
Reddit user knifedude (detrans lesbian 🦎) explains that the cause of dysphoria is less important than finding the most effective treatment, sharing that testosterone helped until it didn't and advising to keep an open mind about what allows you to live most happily and authentically.
40 pointsOct 14, 2020
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I don't think the reason why you feel dysphoria really matters; what matters is what the most effective treatment for your dysphoria is. For a lot of people, it seems like transitioning and/or continuing to transition isn't always the best option. Testosterone and living as a man was helpful for my dysphoria, up until the point where it wasn't. You need to figure out what's actually working for you and letting you live the most happily and authentically.

Additionally, I think experimenting with your gender presentation is always a good idea. You might find out that something else works better for you, or you might find that what you're doing right now is what makes you the most comfortable at the moment. I think the most important thing with gender and transition is to keep an open mind and genuinely be accepting of the idea that what you're doing right now may not work the best for you in the future.

I don't think calling testosterone "steroids" is necessarily a red flag. After all, they are anabolic steroids; when I got my prescription, I was given a guidebook for injecting anabolic steroids by my clinic, because it was the same drug with the same procedures and considerations for administering it.

Reddit user knifedee explains that r/detrans is welcoming to diverse experiences, clarifying that the community is for those who found transition wasn't right for them, not just those who detransition due to social stigma.
35 pointsDec 29, 2019
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I've felt very welcome sharing my feelings and experiences here despite having a somewhat different experience with transitioning/detransitioning and a more positive relationship to my transition experience overall. I certainly haven't felt judged or condescended to so far.

I think they have a fundamental misunderstanding of the detrans community because of a common myth within trans circles that people only detransition due to social stigma about being trans and an inability to pass. I don't know how many times I've seen it repeated that "barely anyone detransititions, and those who do only detransition because it was too hard for them to pass and be accepted so they forced themselves back in the closet". From how I've seen it, the detrans community is actually made up of people who realized that some or all aspects of transitioning weren't right for them and/or weren't authentically representative of who they really are.

People in that OP's position would be much better served by an entirely different community, maybe a non-transitioning or closeted trans community for people who have genuinely given up on transitioning because of an inability to pass. From what I can tell, that doesn't describe most of the users on r/detrans.

Reddit user knifedude explains how they received a testosterone prescription after one short endocrinologist appointment and a top surgery referral with no therapy sessions in Ontario.
27 pointsFeb 9, 2020
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I'm in Ontario and I didn't need a single session with a therapist. I was 18, my doctor referred me to an endocrinologist when I requested it no questions asked, and after about a half hour appointment with the endo I was given a testosterone prescription. After a year on T, I asked for and was immediately given a top surgery referral.

Reddit user knifedude (detrans lesbian 🦎) explains that embracing femininity is not a requirement for being a woman, sharing how rejecting societal expectations alleviated their dysphoria after detransitioning.
26 pointsAug 30, 2020
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I don't know if this helps, but no woman has to "embrace her femininity". What we consider feminine is a societal construct that has little to no basis in biology. Women can be androgynous and/or masculine and still be women. I was so unhappy and uncomfortable living as a feminine woman, and it made me intensely dysphoric. Since detransitioning, I've been so much more comfortable in my own skin by not forcing myself to be feminine. You don't have to force yourself to be feminine, either.

Reddit user knifedude explains how they realized they were a masculine woman, not a trans man, after living stealth on testosterone, and offers advice to wean off T and reassurance that the confusion will pass.
18 pointsDec 18, 2019
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I totally understand how you're feeling right now. I knew I wasn't really a man when I was on T and living stealth, but I still liked the changes that were happening to my body so I felt like that was enough to prove I was really trans. Turns out, despite all the cultural messaging that we receive otherwise, women can actively want to be and look more masculine. For me, calling myself a man was just how I gave myself permission to be masculine.

I've been off T for about a year (I weaned myself off over the course of a few months to make sure my hormones weren't too all over the place, I'd recommend this), and have been living as a masculine woman. I feel comfortable with my voice, body, and being a woman. Things are the scariest and most confusing for you that they're gonna be right now; you're going to figure this out, it just might take a bit of time and work to get there.

Reddit user knifedude (detrans lesbian 🦎) explains why they don't believe "feeling like a woman" is a real thing, suggesting it's more about feeling feminine or reacting to gendered treatment.
18 pointsAug 30, 2020
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I don’t believe “feeling like a woman” is a real thing, honestly. I think you can feel feminine, or feel like you’re being treated like a woman, or feel like you don’t like being treated like a man, but I don’t think “woman” makes sense as a feeling at all.

Reddit user knifedude (detrans lesbian 🦎) explains that after 4 years on HRT and top surgery, she now lives as a woman again and is treated as such by friends and coworkers, countering the claim that detransitioning is pointless.
17 pointsSep 28, 2020
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I was on HRT for 4 years and had top surgery. I used to live stealth as a man, but now I can pass as a woman whenever I want to. All my friends and coworkers see and treat me as a woman; many of them have no idea that I was ever a trans man. I think your friend told you that perhaps as a way of coping with their own feelings and/or reinforcing their worldview, but it was unfair and untrue for them to say.

Reddit user knifedude explains how female conditioning under the male gaze can manifest as feelings similar to autogynephilia, where arousal is tied to viewing oneself as a sexual object and performing femininity rather than a partner.
16 pointsMar 28, 2019
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Women are pretty much conditioned from birth to view themselves through the male gaze as a sexual object. I definitely used to experience something I would say was similar to the concept of autogynephilia; I was sexually fixated on how I looked as a woman and making myself appear as attractive and feminine as I could, but I was viewing myself as a sexual object the same way many other women do. In sexual situations I was more aroused by how I looked and how well I was performing female sexuality than I was by my partner or whatever we were doing together, and after talking to other women about it many of them have felt the same.

Reddit user knifedude (detrans lesbian 🦎) explains detransitioning due to the inability to escape being trans, the burden of disclosure, and overcoming internalized misogyny after living stealth as a man.
15 pointsNov 5, 2020
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I also really felt good about the effects of transitioning and desperately didn't want to be a woman. At a certain point after living stealth as a man for years I realized I was never going to be biologically male or really believe that I was male no matter how I looked or how other people treated me.

Being a woman sucks. You're constantly being judged, harassed, mocked, humiliated, objectified, etc. Living as a man let me escape a lot of that, but I still felt embarassed about being trans and like being trans itself was something I'd never be able to escape. I heard a lot about other trans people getting to a point where they barely thought about the fact that they were trans and it didn't affect their life at all, but I knew after all that time that would never be me.

Being trans can be really embarassing and difficult to deal with if you're a private person who doesn't want to have to constantly be coming out to people, dealing with people who knew you by your birth name, being asked your pronouns, etc. I struggled with that a lot because I hated asking people to call me something different. Those interactions were exhausting and I felt like they ruined the way people saw me, like I couldn't be the person I wanted to be in their eyes because of it.

The only reason I feel remotely comfortable as a woman now is because I medically transitioned. I don't think I'd ever be able to live as a woman without being miserable if I hadn't. The only way I could address the rest of my discomfort was working to overcome my intense internalized misogyny and realize there's nothing wrong with being a woman and that I can still look and act however feels most comfortable and true to me while being a woman.

Reddit user knifedude (detrans lesbian 🦎) explains why they reject the "actually cis" label after detransitioning and advises focusing on specific transition steps rather than seeking a "truly trans" identity.
15 pointsOct 15, 2020
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I don't consider myself to be "actually cis" just because I detransitioned. I still consider myself to be a trans person, but even if I wasn't I definitely wouldn't call myself cis. I honestly don't believe in the concept of being "actually cis" at all; transition just works better for some people at certain times in their life to reduce their dysphoria and make them feel the most comfortable and happy.

Don't worry about whether or not you're "really trans". Focus on individual things you're thinking of doing as part of your transition, figure out as much as you can about them, weigh out the pros and cons in terms of how they'll effect your life and whether that specific action is something that will really improve your life in whatever way you want it to.