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Reddit user /u/kornly's Detransition Story

male
internalised homophobia
took hormones
regrets transitioning
trauma
homosexual
sexuality changed
This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
On Reddit, people often share their experiences across multiple comments or posts. To make this information more accessible, our AI gathers all of those scattered pieces into a single, easy-to-read summary and timeline. All system prompts are noted on the prompts page.

Sometimes AI can hallucinate or state things that are not true. But generally, the summarised stories are accurate reflections of the original comments by users.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious

Based on the provided comments, this account appears to be authentic. There are no serious red flags indicating it is a bot or a bad-faith actor.

The user's comments demonstrate:

  • Personal, detailed narratives about their transition, detransition, and internal struggles with gender roles and internalized homophobia.
  • Consistent themes over a four-year period, focusing on societal expectations, personal trauma, and the complexities of their experience.
  • Emotional nuance and supportive advice for others that aligns with the known frustrations and perspectives of the detransitioner/desister community.
  • A plausible personal history that includes specific, non-political details like growing up in a religious family, living near Toronto, and career choices to avoid wearing suits.

The account shows the passion and lived-experience perspective expected from a genuine desister.

About me

I grew up male in a strict environment where I was bullied for any feminine expression, like wearing a pink shirt. I transitioned because I thought becoming a woman was the only way I could be my true, feminine self and date men. The pressure to pass as a woman was exhausting and trapped me in a whole new set of expectations. I stopped hormones and realized I can be a feminine man who dates other men without changing who I am. Now I'm learning to just be myself, free from any box.

My detransition story

My journey with gender has been long and complicated, and a lot of it, I see now, was tied up with the strict expectations I grew up with. I was born male, but I never really fit into the "man box" that society, and especially my religious family, had laid out for me. From a very young age, I learned that stepping outside those lines wasn't tolerated. I remember in second grade, I got a pink shirt—it wasn't even a girly one—and I was made fun of at school for it. That experience really traumatized me and taught me to stay in my lane.

As I got older, this feeling that I couldn't be myself just grew. I was jealous of girls because they could wear makeup and date boys, things that felt completely off-limits to me as a male. I grew up with a lot of internalized homophobia; I couldn't even picture myself dating a man unless I was a woman in the scenario. It felt easier to come out as a straight trans woman than as a feminine gay or bisexual man. I think a big reason a lot of us detransition is because we fit the social norms for the opposite sex more and were made to feel bad about it, so we figured we actually were the opposite sex.

I decided to transition. I started taking estrogen and I lived as a woman for a while. At first, there were some things I liked about HRT. It really improved my mental health for a time, and I liked the softer skin and the drop in my libido; it felt empowering to not feel controlled by sex drive. But the downsides were huge. The constant pressure of trying to pass was exhausting. I'm an anxious person by nature, and it was so difficult to be under that constant scrutiny, always worried about my voice, my makeup, my clothes, scared someone would see me as a man. It drained all my energy and I stopped improving myself in other areas of life because passing took everything I had.

Dating was impossible. The only guys who were interested just wanted sex and didn't treat me like a person. I realized that a lot of my reasons for transitioning were based on stereotypes: I wanted to be a woman so I could date men and do feminine-coded things. I’ve since learned that I can do those things without transitioning. I can wear makeup, I can shave my body hair, I can wear crop tops and shorts from the women's section. It's liberating to free yourself from gender role expectations, and I found that transitioning just trapped me in a different set of rules.

I stopped hormones cold turkey, which was rough, but my mental health improved over time. I don't regret attempting to transition because the experience taught me a lot. I now feel much more open with my emotions and I don't feel like I need to conform to male stereotypes as much. I've worked through a lot of my internalized homophobia and now I just like who I like, which is mostly men. I consider myself gay, and I find it easier to date men because I prefer to be the more feminine partner in a relationship without the expectations that straight women often have.

I still struggle with some body issues, like feeling my shoulders are too wide or my hips are too small, and I have some genital dysphoria. It's a process to become more comfortable with my body. But I'm learning that the goal is to not need to fit into what other people expect me to be. You don't need to modify yourself or perform an identity. You can just be yourself.

Looking back, I think if society was more accepting of men who don't conform, there would be fewer of us who question whether we are men at all. We need to make it more acceptable for men to not fit the very small bubble we're told to fit in.

Here is a timeline of the major events I can remember:

Age Event
7 years old Was traumatized by being bullied for wearing a pink shirt to school, learned to strictly conform to male gender roles.
Early 20s Started questioning my gender, influenced by discomfort with male stereotypes and internalized homophobia.
Early 20s Began taking estrogen and socially transitioned to living as a woman.
Early 20s Stopped hormone therapy ("cold turkey") after finding the pressure to pass was too mentally draining.
Present (post-detransition) Now identify as a gay man, comfortable expressing femininity without needing to identify as a woman.

Top Comments by /u/kornly:

45 comments • Posting since August 23, 2020
Reddit user kornly (detrans male) comments on the prevalence of transgender discourse, explaining that it feels bigger online than in real life and advises detaching from online communities to live in the real world.
106 pointsDec 2, 2020
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I think that this is a bigger deal online than in real life. The vast majority don't really think about trans people but we are a lot more tuned to these communities through social media and youtubers and the like.

I fall into the same cycle and need to work on it but I think it can be really helpful for us to just detach from these online communities and live in the real world for some time.

Reddit user kornly (detrans male) discusses the ethical dilemma of covering gender-affirming mastectomies while many men with gynecomastia suffer psychological distress from the same condition without coverage.
51 pointsDec 13, 2020
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I think that this is a complicated and nuanced issue. Many men (who haven't transitioned) suffer from gynecomastia and suffer psychological stress because of it. I can't in good faith say that we should have our surgeries covered while other men aren't offered the same.

And if we cover all gynecomastia surgeries then it raises the question about which physical alterations should be covered and which shouldn't be. For example, weight issues can be extremely distressing for those that are overweight so should we cover these related surgeries?

I'm not sure what the right answer is, it's a tough question

Reddit user kornly (detrans male) explains why MtF detransitioners are less visible online, suggesting it's easier for them to live stealth and that men are more likely to feel shame and avoid support spaces.
37 pointsMar 4, 2021
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I think that there are more men then you'll find on these online forums that detransition. Mtf transition is not usually as obvious as ftm transition so it's generally easier for detransitioned men to live their lives post transition and often don't resort to these online support spaces.

I also think men are more likely to be embarrassed and ashamed of themselves for transitioning and more likely to just move on and pretend their transition never happened.

I do think there are more female detransitioners overall (for reasons that some others have posted here) but I think the numbers aren't as extreme as they seem here.

Reddit user kornly (detrans male) comments on societal expectations of masculinity, suggesting that greater acceptance of non-conforming men would reduce gender questioning.
37 pointsAug 23, 2020
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I don't think there should be any qualifiers that you need to be a man, I just am. That being said, society imposes very strict expectations on how you should act and what role you should play in society as a man that I still cannot really relate to.

I think that if society was more accepting of men that don't necessarily conform to all of those expectations that there would be less of us that question whether we are men at all.

Reddit user kornly (detrans male) comments on the difference between casual gender envy and serious consideration of life as the opposite sex.
34 pointsApr 14, 2021
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Well to some extent. I think it's pretty common for most people to say something like "ugh boys have it so much easier for ____, I wish I was a boy." Or vice versa.

But I think the vast majority of people don't actually seriously consider what life would be like as the opposite sex. That being said, those who DO consider it are not necessarily trans.

Reddit user kornly (detrans male) explains that attempting transition helped him become more open with his emotions and reject restrictive male stereotypes, arguing for greater acceptance of men outside that norm.
34 pointsSep 12, 2020
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I'm happy that I attempted to transition because even now after detransitioning, I still feel a lot more open with my emotions and don't feel like I need to conform to male stereotypes as much.

I think we definitely need to make it more acceptable for men to not fit the very small bubble that we're told to fit in

Reddit user kornly (detrans male) explains why r/detrans bans allies, citing concerns about being brigaded by both trans and gender critical subs and the need to preserve the sub as a support space free from constant debate.
32 pointsDec 17, 2020
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Why not?

Because then we get brigaded by both trans subs and gender critical subs who argue with eachother and we get lost in the process

It's not an echo chamber really since I've seen people with lots of different views here. This is one of the only support spaces detrans people have and it would be awful if it got ruined by people debating trans stuff all the time

Reddit user kornly (detrans male) explains how to explore gender expression without medical transition, suggesting feminine clothing, shaving, and makeup as non-permanent alternatives.
30 pointsMar 18, 2021
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Hey, so therapy is always helpful if you have the means to pay for it.

One thing I would suggest is trying to dress more femininely without dressing female. You don't need to be a woman to wear cute clothes. It doesn't have any permanent effects to dress up and you can just play with your appearance and see what you like.

You'll have to do some experimenting to find out what works with your body. Personally I like to add some women's crop tops and shorts to my wardrobe. I also shave my body hair and play with makeup on occasion.

It is liberating to free yourself from gender role expectations and transitioning can often just trap you in the opposite genders roles. Try this before considering any permanent body changes.

Reddit user kornly (detrans male) explains why dealing with an unsupportive parent is easier than dealing with potential regret over gender-affirming surgery.
18 pointsOct 5, 2020
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I definitely understand that feeling with your mom. She's not accepting so if you show any doubt she'll use it against you to say that you don't know what you want.

I went through the same thing and I agree with all the other posters, if you have doubts then wait. Dealing with your mother is easier than dealing with regret over a surgery you may change your mind on

Reddit user kornly (detrans male) explains how HRT eliminated his libido, which he found empowering, but advises against it for those who value a high sex drive or prefer to top.
16 pointsMar 5, 2021
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This is actually one of the things I liked about HRT and wish I could have these effects without all the other problems that come with HRT.

My sex drive pretty much disappeared and I'm not a very sex-driven person so it felt very empowering for me to not feel controlled by it. Actual sex was still enjoyable I just didn't have the drive to start and would usually be initiated by a partner.

If having a high libido is important to you or if you like to top then I would suggest you steer away from HRT.