Hey, thanks for taking the time to reply. I appreciate your candor. I guess by "idealised", I'm referring to an idea of being transgender that doesn't include the potential harassment, the constant self-doubt, etc. Obviously I don't look at a painful state of being as something that is ideal. What seemed ideal to me was the prospect of being a woman. It seemed ideal to me to align my body with the feminine image I have of myself in my head. I don't think I really took seriously all the negative stuff that realistically can come with transitioning, like increased dysphoria, or the very anxiety-inducing awkward phase. I didn't really understand or relate to those things until I was experiencing them. I would read about someone saying that they regretted their transition, or that it hurts to get misgendered, and I'd say to myself "that won't happen to me because x". I really just wanted to give myself the excuse to get on HRT. So in a nutshell, I idealised the version of being trans that includes magically stealth passing with very little time or effort. I really thought I would be able to avoid the pitfalls of being visibly trans by continuing to present as a man, which ironically is causing other issues. Does that make sense? I can explain more if you want.

As for your second question, no, I don't think those examples are the same as being trans. Sure there's probably some overlap, but they come from different places psychologically. When I feel feminine, it's automatic. Feeling good or bad about myself doesn't change it. The aspects of myself that I don't like only become unappealing in the context of trying to present feminine. I used to love crossdressing until I got really depressed about it during quarantine. I finally had all this time to really dig into this side of me that never gets represented. I made it my goal to look presentable enough to actually go out in public. I bought flattering clothes for my figure, got good at makeup, practiced a feminine walk, got hip pads. But when I looked in the mirror all I saw was a man in a dress. It made me really depressed to know that I don't naturally look feminine in the way that I wish I did. That's when I started looking into hormones.

I know I'm rambling, but it does really help to be able to talk to someone else about this. I'm starting to feel like this is some next level type of internal transphobia. In an ideal world, my desired outcome is that I pass as a cis woman. But that's pretty much a pipe dream. So as I continue to move my goal post, I feels more and more like my current level of masculinity is already in line with my goal: I can't be a cis woman, and I don't want to "look trans", but at least I could have the plausible deniability of being a man who takes hormones. I feel like if I magically passed as cis, then maybe I wouldn't have gone down this mental rabbit hole. I could have come out to people and they would have said "well it will take getting used to, but wow you look great, I can't really fault you there!" I am still working through a great deal of shame, fear of judgement, and internalised things. And it's immensely difficult to untangle these feelings from what I really want. Part of me doesn't want to stop HRT because since I didn't start when I was 15 like some people, at least I started when I was 27. The thought of stopping HRT and giving testosterone even more time to limit my potential passability makes me really anxious, like a precious window is closing. I'm sorry for the long reply. I guess typing it up is having me realise that I just don't really know what I want.

For what it's worth, I still don't regret giving HRT a trial run. I just think that if it was indeed a trial run, I should have capped it at 3 months or so, and then took a lot of time to think more about it. But I have the pressure of age at my back, and I thought that I knew what I wanted. So I threw caution to the wind and decided to trust myself the way I did when I broke up with my ex, or when I booked that solo trip to Iceland. Those things worked out for the best, and I put much more thought into this than those. I think if I had more time to work through some negative feelings I might feel a lot different right now.

Like I didn't really understand what internal transphobia was until recently. And I only gradually came to understand. For me, it's like...you know how when you are at the supermarket and you see someone that is obviously transgender, and you think to yourself something that stems from negativity? Even something as mild as "kudos to them for putting themselves out there, but man it sucks to be in that situation" still stems from a place of not accepting this person. It shows that you wouldn't want to be in their position. And if you were, you would be constantly worrying that other people think about you the way you thought about that person at the supermarket.

This is definitely something I've thought about. I have some processing to do before I can do it without feeling self-absorbed, but I guess it's an option. My gut reaction though is that it won't feel like enough. I do get dysphoric when I see my very masculine face and it totally does not match with how I feel. It's the reason crossdressing, something I enjoyed so much, lost its appeal. But it's definitely something to take into consideration.

Idk, I feel like I flip flop a lot if I'm being honest. The way I describe my feelings in my original post are definitely true, and the negative aspects of things do sometimes consume my way of thinking. But then I will also have rare moments where none of this feels like it is weighing me down. And in those moments, I feel really happy about my breasts. When I'm around friends that I feel really love me, and I'm feeling particularly feminine, I almost want to show them off as a way of signifying to others how feminine I am. Last night after I typed all of this up and responded to some people, I felt lighter for getting a lot of this off my chest (lol) and I fell asleep feeling excited about the idea of just saying "fuck it, what's the harm in just coming out and presenting how I want to?" It felt really freeing to imagine the ideal scenario of all of my loved ones being totally supportive. But for some reason, I really struggle to feel feminine around the people that do know my situation, because I end up just feeling selfish instead.

Regardless, in the context of being around strangers, or people that don't know my situation, my breasts do give me dysphoria. I hate to have to admit that, but I think it's true. And the reason I don't want to stop HRT is because I'm somehow still holding out hope that I can achieve my ideal scenario of at least not looking like a freak, and being able to express my femininity as well as my masculinity when the situation arises.

As for the dysphoria that HRT has addressed, I do think that it has helped. In all honesty, I do think that the dysphoria I feel from the breasts is at times worse than the dysphoria I felt before HRT. But it's also a different kind of dysphoria. Before HRT, I was a woman-hating, insecure person that couldn't see any redeeming quality in myself. I didn't feel like I couldn't leave the house without covering up my body, but I did find it extremely difficult to be in the male role without feeling suffocated and incomplete. While I didn't have much physical dysphoria at the time, I still really really wanted to have my body be more feminine, and I did experience lots of euphoria from expressing that, for a time. I genuinely like that my skin is softer, my veins are not as pronounced, my butt is a little fatter, my face is more feminine...

It seems that the things that bother me are the things that I'm unable to "hide" from others. Like the breasts, and if I shave my beard off (which make me look way more fem now that I've been on hormones for a little while). I've talked with my therapist about this and he asked me "well, is this feminine side of you something that you wish to share with the world?" And I think that my answer to that is a little mixed. I do want to share it with certain people, but not everyone. Not complete strangers, not my extended family. And I think that comes from the shame and disgust I feel. At any rate, this is what made me feel ok with continuing to present as male, but also keep taking the hormones, which my therapist supported. I don't think I really spelled out to him how my breasts are beginning to make me feel some of the time.

I do relate to that experience, yes. I was bullied a lot growing up for being effeminate. My friend group abandoned me in high school. I was in an unfortunate string of toxic relationships. It has taken a lot of time and thinking to be able to get to where I currently am. But the self hatred doesn't seem to ever go away completely. It feels like my default state-of-being is to be blaming myself for at least something.

I know that I have made decisions based on what I thought others would do or say or think, and that's why this is so difficult for me to sift through. I wrestled for a while with the thought that transition was appealing to me as a means of escape. But I largely put that thought to rest simply because of how concretely I feel feminine at times, and the confidence that brings me. There are a couple of other big factors too, but that's probably the most important one. If anything, HRT was a hail mary attempt to get closer to myself rather than run away from it. But who knows? Maybe this is all a way to avoid taking responsibility for my perceived failures in life. That last line in your comment though, I relate to though. Putting on a mask comes so easily, and then I get depressed for not being authentic with my peers, and I'm terrified that my authentic self, whatever that entails, will drive people away like it has before.