My journey with gender has been long and confusing, and I’m still trying to make sense of it all. It started when I was a teenager, around 14 or 15. I felt incredibly uncomfortable with my body, especially when I went through puberty and developed breasts. I hated them; they felt foreign and wrong on my body. I didn't have the words for it then, but I now see that a lot of this was puberty discomfort. I also struggled with depression and low self-esteem, and I felt like I didn't fit in anywhere.

I found a lot of my initial feelings and ideas online. I was definitely influenced online by the communities I found. At first, I identified as non-binary, which felt like a safer way to explore my feelings without committing to a full binary transition. But the more time I spent in these online trans spaces, the more I felt pressured to move towards a medical transition. I saw other people talking about testosterone and top surgery, and it seemed like the logical next step to finally feel comfortable. I started to believe that my deep discomfort meant I was a trans man.

I began taking testosterone when I was 19. For a while, it felt like I was on the right path. The changes were affirming at first. But doubts started creeping in. I remember getting so frustrated with parts of the trans community that would ignore the basic idea that gender isn't the same as biological sex. I saw people who seemed to transition without doing enough research, and that worried me. I always believed it was a huge decision that shouldn't be taken lightly.

My own doubts grew stronger. I started to question if I had rushed into things because of the online environment I was in. I wondered if my original puberty discomfort and body dysmorphia had been misinterpreted as a need to transition. I also struggled with my sexuality; I think there was some internalised homophobia there, where transitioning felt easier than accepting myself as a lesbian.

I never got top surgery. I came very close, but I kept putting it off. I’m so grateful now that I did. I remember telling someone else to hold off on their surgery, that there was no rush, and I think I was giving myself that same advice. I started journaling to try and organize my chaotic thoughts. I never tried non-affirming therapy, but I think talking to a neutral therapist would have been really helpful for me earlier on.

I stopped testosterone after being on it for about two years. I don’t regret transitioning in the sense that I needed to go through that experience to understand myself better. But I do regret not taking more time to explore my mental health and the other reasons behind my discomfort before making permanent changes. I’m now trying to accept my body as a female one, and it’s a difficult process. My views on gender are still complicated. I don't think it's as simple as many online spaces make it out to be, and I'm critical of how quickly people can be encouraged to medically transition.

Here is a timeline of the main events: