This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, the account "lostinbody" appears to be authentic.
There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or a fake account. The comments display:
- Personal, detailed narratives spanning several years, with a consistent timeline and evolving perspective.
- Emotional depth and vulnerability that aligns with the experiences of detransitioners/desisters, including guilt, fear of social rejection, and medical regret.
- Internal consistency in discussing their transition (starting T at 17, detransitioning years later) and the specific, long-term effects of testosterone.
- Engagement with a wide range of topics in the community, from medical advice to personal support, which is typical of a genuine user.
About me
I was a very depressed kid who latched onto being trans as an escape, starting to bind my chest at just 10 years old. I started testosterone at 17, a decision I deeply regret because it permanently changed my body and didn't solve my problems, it just moved my dysphoria around. I felt immense pressure to be the perfect trans person, which kept me from listening to my own doubts sooner. Now, I'm 24 and off testosterone, trying to let go of labels and the need for others' approval. I don't regret my social transition, but I wish I had waited until I was older to make any permanent medical decisions.
My detransition story
My journey with gender has been long and complicated, and I’m still figuring it out. I was a very depressed and suicidal kid from a young age, and I think I latched onto the idea of being trans as a way to escape all that pain. I started binding my chest with bandages when I was only 10 years old, before I even knew what the word ‘trans’ meant. The moment I learned what it was, around 11 or 12, I immediately identified with it. It felt like an answer.
I socially transitioned with my friends at 14 and then fully with everyone by 15 or 16. At the time, that social transition felt like a lifeline. It gave me enough peace to get through high school, and I don’t see much wrong with that part of my journey because it was all reversible. But I started testosterone at 17, and that’s where my biggest regrets lie. I was way too young to make a decision that would permanently alter my body and make me infertile. I deeply regret not freezing my eggs. My brain wasn’t fully developed; I was still just a kid.
Being on testosterone didn’t solve my problems. It didn’t stop my dysphoria; it just moved it. I was dysphoric about my chest, so I got top surgery. But then the dysphoria just shifted to my genitals. I was never satisfied. I kept wanting more changes and higher doses of T. It was like chasing a feeling that I could never quite catch. Testosterone also changed me emotionally. It hardened me. I used to be a patient and emotional person, but on T, I cried less, felt less, and found myself dissociating more. My annoyance came quick and easily.
A big part of my struggle has been the immense pressure I felt from being one of the first people to transition in my high school. I identified as trans for over a decade, longer than any of my trans friends, and I felt this tremendous pressure to be the “A+ trans person.” That made the doubts that started creeping in after about five and a half years on T even harder to face. I was terrified of losing my trans friends, and that fear, along with a desperate need for validation from others, kept me from listening to myself sooner.
My relationship with my mom has been really difficult through all of this. Before I came out, she criticized me for looking like a boy with my short hair and no makeup. After I transitioned and she finally accepted me as her son, she’d get upset if I grew my hair out or painted my nails. I felt like I could never win, always being pressured into one gender stereotype or another. I also carry a lot of guilt for the pain I put her through. I know she was scared because I was such a depressed child, and my big changes terrified her. I want her support now as I try to figure things out, but it’s hard to talk to her without feeling guilty.
Now, I’ve been off testosterone for over a year. I’m 24. My body is still adjusting; I had chest pains from the hormonal fluctuations after stopping, but birth control has helped with that. I’ve lost some hair from T and I’m hoping a little of it might grow back. The best thing I’ve done is practice mindfulness and just try to allow my body to be what it is. It’s not easy, but I’m getting more used to it. Shaving my facial hair used to make me very dysphoric, but I got used to it and now it doesn’t bother me as much.
I don’t know how I identify anymore. I’m in a questioning phase, using they/them pronouns for now. I’m trying to let go of the need for others to approve of me and just explore who I am without any labels. It’s terrifying, but it feels necessary. I don’t regret my social transition because it helped me survive, but I deeply regret medically transitioning so young. I think waiting until your brain is fully developed, maybe around 25, is a much wiser choice.
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| 8 | Started experiencing depression. |
| 10 | Began binding chest with bandages. |
| 11/12 | Learned what "trans" was and immediately identified with it. |
| 14 | Socially transitioned with friends. |
| 15/16 | Socially transitioned fully at school. |
| 17 | Started testosterone. |
| 17 | Underwent top surgery. |
| 23 | Began having major doubts about transition (after ~5.5 years on T). |
| 24 | Stopped testosterone after roughly 7.5 years. |
| 24 | Began identifying with they/them pronouns and questioning my identity. |
Top Comments by /u/lostinbody:
It is so so good that you figured this out before testosterone. You can tell your doctor you want more time to think about it and that you want to know more about the changes. If you're having doubts, stop. Pause. Give yourself more time to think.
I understand and relate to the thing you said about your mom. Before I came out, my mom criticized me for looking like a boy with my short hair and no makeup and wanting boys clothes. But now, after finally getting her support as an ftm, she makes me feel bad about wearing nail polish and growing my hair out. You can't please everyone, nor should you try to. I went from being pressured into female stereotypes to male and both are uncomfortable places for me to be...As well as for most people, I'm learning.
Figure things out for you and only you. Do what is best for you. Give yourself space to think and just exist.
Im scared of losing my trans friends, but I know if they love me they'll stay by me even when I do detransition..
I'm polyamorous and can tell you that is not healthy or poly in the ethically non-monogomous way... It sounds kind of manipulative. I would do what you need to do to stay safe right now-- your safety, which includes having a place to live, is most important. If you think you can hang on until this pandemic passes and you're able to find somewhere else to live, that would be my suggestion
Oh!! This makes so much sense. I don't have "the voice". I remember being jealous when my friends started T that their doctors put them on such high doses, but sure enough they all have that voice. Now I'm thankful, and this just adds to it!
I appreciate you sharing it here. Really weird to have that be deleted. It's just information, and not anti trans.
You are beautiful, wow!! I'm glad you're more comfortable in your skin. I looked the same at 17 as you did, haha. Unfortunately I didn't realize until much older than you are. But I get so happy to see other people's journey to acceptance happen faster ❤️
You almost perfectly described my frustrations and feelings in a much more elegant and intricate post, thank you!
Even within the non-binary and genderfluid communities, I still don't fit and am pressured to be a certain way. I'm exhausted and I know I need to stop looking for others approval.
I think part of the heavy weight is that I came out so long ago, I identified as trans longer than any other trans person I have met in person and any of my trans friends. I was the first in my high school and I feel a tremendous pressure to be the A+ trans person experience. Wanting to detransition especially makes friends uneasy around me.
I want so badly to let it all go and just explore who I am, but it really is terrifying out there. With all of my trauma, the need to be liked and understood is unbearable..
Thank you so much for your response and reflection. I'm sorry for long reply-- you invoked a lot of feelings.
As a newcomer, I have noticed this as well. There do seem to be more ftmtfs, like me, posting, which may be part of it. I think one of the other answers regarding bad experiences with TW is a huge factor.
This community should be a place to get support and empathy on both sides. Women are raised differently than men, but both are bad in different ways and toxic and exclusionary in different ways. I hope you find more posts from mtftm people that relate to your own experience :(
I only just skimmed this but I want to say first: I am so sorry you're feeling this way. And the things you have gone through with men-- I have no words. That is awful.
The first thing that I thought when reading this was, "what about a reduction?" You don't have to get top surgery and remove all your breast tissue. You can get a reduction. Sometimes insurance is tricky from what little I know, but if your chest is large enough to cause back pain, chances of coverage are much higher.
After a revision, sports bras may be enough to help you feel more comfortable with you chest.
Testosterone didn't stop dysphoria completely for me, instead it moved dysphoria. I was dysphoric about my chest and top surgery just led to dysphoria around my genitals. Testosterone removed dysphoria around certain parts of my body but brought my attention to other parts. I was never satisfied, I kept wanting more changes and higher doses of T.
The best thing I've done is practice mindfulness, and just allow my body to be. Accept my body as it is. Its not easy, but I'm getting more used to my body. I just posted about how shaving my facial hair made me very dysphoric, but I got used to it after job requirements and now I don't feel as dysphoric about my bare face.
I hope this doesn't come off as rude, I just want to try and explain the other person/people's confusion in the way I understand it? Your picture titling suggest that you're amab and identified as a trans woman for a while and now identify as male again. This is confusing when looking at your post history, where (it seems like) you are asking about passing from the perspective of a trans man who wants to pass as male. Hope this clears that a up a little!
Thank you for that quote, it really helped me reflect on my thoughts.
I definitely do rely on others for validation, I haven't figured out how to break free from that yet, but I know it's what I need to do to be myself and grow. I hope I can find that courage soon. Thank you