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Reddit user /u/mayor_oboe's Detransition Story

Transitioned: 14 -> Detransitioned: 25
female
low self-esteem
internalised homophobia
regrets transitioning
depression
influenced online
homosexual
puberty discomfort
started as non-binary
only transitioned socially
This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
On Reddit, people often share their experiences across multiple comments or posts. To make this information more accessible, our AI gathers all of those scattered pieces into a single, easy-to-read summary and timeline. All system prompts are noted on the prompts page.

Sometimes AI can hallucinate or state things that are not true. But generally, the summarised stories are accurate reflections of the original comments by users.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious

Based on the provided comments, this account appears authentic.

There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or inauthentic. The user's narrative is highly personal, nuanced, and emotionally complex, detailing a specific journey of reconciling masculinity, internalized misogyny, and sexuality. The language is natural, includes self-editing for clarity, and reflects the passionate and introspective nature common in genuine detransition/desister accounts.

About me

I latched onto being trans as a teenager because it gave me a way to escape my deep unhappiness and internalized misogyny. My journey was really about envy of men and a deep-seated shame about being a masculine, gay woman. I realized I wasn't attracted to men, I just wanted the respect and freedom they seemed to have. Now I'm in a loving relationship with a woman who affirms me as a butch lesbian in my natural body. I am at peace simply being a woman, and I have no regrets about not medically transitioning.

My detransition story

My whole journey with this started when I was a teenager. I was really messed up back then with a lot of mental health issues, and I still struggle now, but I understand myself a lot better. I first found out what being trans was around 2009 or 2010, when I was 14 or 15, and I immediately latched onto it. I had been a very sex dysphoric child and was always a masculine person. Finding that label made my internal discomfort, which was probably just misogyny, ten times worse because it presented a "way out." It was easier to blame all my misery on being "trans" than to face all the other things I already hated about myself.

A huge part of my desire to transition came from a place of envy and internalized homophobia. For the longest time, I thought I was attracted to men. It took me some really unpleasant sexual experiences to realize that I wasn't attracted to them—I was envious of them. I identified as a gay man for years because I think I was trying to reconcile my homosexuality with how deeply unattractive I found the idea of being a lesbian. It was like, "I'm still gay, but I'm a man now." That was 100% internalized homophobia and misogyny, though I'm still untangling all the reasons why.

My low self-esteem played a big role too. I used to be very overweight, and I always noticed that fat men were treated with more respect than fat women. I envied that. Wanting to masculinize my body was a way to escape that. It wasn't a direct hatred of being a woman; it was a desire to escape the negative parts of being perceived as one.

I never medically transitioned. One of the biggest realizations that stopped me was understanding that I was never going to be a man, only a transman, and that those are two very different things. I started to see that it was more damaging to try and change who I was fundamentally rather than to just accept it.

What really helped me heal was a few things. First, realizing that childhood sex dysphoria is actually pretty common in gay kids. Looking back, my childhood "signs" didn't mean I was trans; they just meant I was a masculine girl. That was a huge lightbulb moment. Second, and most importantly, was getting into a relationship. I'm now in a butch/femme relationship that feels heteronormative from the outside, but it's with a woman who finds me sexually attractive exactly as I am, in my natural body. That was truly transformative. It showed me there is nothing wrong or disgusting about being a butch lesbian.

I don't have any regrets about not transitioning medically. I think if I had gone through with it when I was younger and my brain was less developed, I would have a lot of regrets now. I benefited from waiting and working through my other issues first. My thoughts on gender now are simple: I don't "feel" like a woman, I just am one. And that's okay.

Here is a timeline of my journey:

Age Year Event
14/15 2009/2010 First learned about being transgender and began to identify with it.
16-20 2011-2015 Identified as a gay trans man, struggled with internalized homophobia and envy of men.
21 2016 Began to seriously question my trans identity and explore underlying causes like misogyny.
22 2017 Realized my attraction to men was actually envy; accepted my homosexuality as a butch woman.
23 2018 Entered a transformative relationship that affirmed my body and identity as a masculine woman.
25 2020 Fully detransitioned socially and found peace with my identity as a butch lesbian.

Top Comments by /u/mayor_oboe:

6 comments • Posting since August 27, 2021
Reddit user mayor_obbie (desisted female) explains how accepting her butch lesbian identity, including a realization that childhood dysphoria is common in gay kids, was transformative after initially believing she was trans.
16 pointsSep 17, 2021
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One thing I learned that helped me was realizing childhood sex dysphoria is pretty common in gay children. Thinking back to how I was as a child only reinforced my then current state of mind of “I am trans and always have been.” I wasn’t, I was masculine and always have been. I don’t “feel” like a woman, I just am one. I am also in a “heteronormative” butch/femme relationship, and finding somebody who thought I was sexually attractive as I was, as my body was, was transformative for me. There is nothing wrong with, or disgusting about, being a butch woman. IMO, It’s always more damaging to try and change who you are rather than accept it.

Edited for clarity

Reddit user mayor_oboe (desisted female) explains how internalized misogyny, not always direct, played a major role in their own desire to escape their female body and masculinize.
9 pointsAug 27, 2021
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If you’re convinced transitioning is the only way out, there’s nothing anyone here can say to stop you. But I disagree with your statement in another comment’s reply that misogyny doesn’t explain why you want to masculinize your body. Misogyny played a huge role in my own desire to escape my body, but it’s role is not always as direct as one would think.

Edited for clarity

Reddit user mayor_oboe (desisted female) explains how envy and the desire to escape the stigma of being a fat woman played a role in her gender dysphoria, framing it as a matter of healing rather than confronting.
8 pointsAug 27, 2021
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It’s less a matter of confronting, more a matter of healing. I used to be really fat (tlc special fat) and always envied that fat men were treated better than fat women. That was something that took me a while to figure out, tbh I only really saw the connection years after losing weight and growing older. It’s different for everybody. Maybe you have some healing to do, maybe you don’t. Envy played a large part in mine. I only suggest you do what makes you happiest.

Reddit user mayor_oboe (desisted female) explains how envy of men and internalized homophobia led her to mistakenly identify as a gay man for years.
7 pointsSep 1, 2021
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I thought I was attracted to men for a long time, it took me a while (and some unpleasant sexual experiences) to recognize that I wasn’t attracted to them, but I was envious of them. I identified as a gay man for years. I think I was reconciling my homosexuality with how unattractive I found the idea of being a lesbian? I’m still gay, but a man now type thing. Internalized misogyny and homophobia without a doubt, but I’m unsure about all the underlying causes tbh, still figuring it out. But I promise you’re not alone.

Reddit user mayor_oboe (desisted female) explains how discovering the concept of being trans amplified her dysphoria and warns a 16-year-old that transitioning can be a way to avoid other mental health issues.
5 pointsAug 27, 2021
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You mentioned in other comments how you have other mental health issues- when I was a teenager I was super fucked up. I still am, but I’m older and know myself more. I remember finding out what trans was in 2009/2010, and putting everything into it. I was a very sex dysphoric child, and am still very masculine in general. Finding out trans was a thing made this internal dysphoria (probably misogyny) 10x worse, knowing there was a “way out”. It was easier to say that my “transness” was my reason for being miserable, instead of all the things I already hated about myself. You’re 16. You can always transition when you’re older and your brain is more developed, but detransitioning is much harder.

Reddit user mayor_oboe (desisted female) explains her decision not to transition, stating she realized she would never be a man, only a trans man, which she sees as fundamentally different.
3 pointsAug 27, 2021
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How would your relationships with men change by transitioning? One of the biggest things for me in not medically transitioning (and something that took me a while to fully accept) was that I was never going to be a man, only a transman, which are very different things.