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The user shares specific, personal medical details (e.g., type of testosterone, dosage schedules, and timeline of physical and emotional changes) that are consistent with a desister/detransitioner's experience. The tone is empathetic, nuanced, and reflects the passion and personal investment expected from someone who has lived through this.
About me
My journey started as a teenager when I felt uncomfortable with the idea of growing up to be a woman, thinking it meant being weak. I transitioned at 18, hoping hormones would make me happier, but I never felt settled. After a year on testosterone, I stopped and slowly saw my body and emotions, like my attraction to women, return to how they were before. I realized I was trying to solve my anxiety about adulthood by changing my body. Now, at 22, I understand that being a tomboy is okay and medical transition isn't always the answer.
My detransition story
My whole journey with gender started when I was a teenager. I felt really uncomfortable with the idea of growing up to be a woman. I thought being a woman meant you were weak and unloveable, and I couldn't see a future for myself that way. I see now that I just didn't understand that it was possible to be a grown woman and be happy and secure. I was a tomboy, and I felt all the same feelings that a lot of people who decide to transition feel.
When I was 18, I started identifying as transgender. My thinking at the time was very focused on the idea that if I did "X" – like change my name and take hormones – then it would have the effect "Y" of making me happier. But that's such a gamble. The only things you can really know for sure are the concrete physical changes, and some of those can be bad for your health in the long run. I was only actively transitioning for about a year, and the entire time I was just questioning myself non-stop. I never felt settled.
I was on testosterone, specifically a slow-acting kind called Nebido, for a year and three months. I started when I was 19. The changes were gradual. When I decided to stop, the process of my body changing back was also very slow because of the type of T I was on. It took about 9 months after my last scheduled shot for my period to return, and even then, it was much lighter than before. The emotional changes took even longer to slowly reverse. Things like being able to cry more easily came back bit by bit. Because it was so gradual, nothing felt very dramatic, which was actually a blessing.
A big part of my experience was realizing how my sexuality was connected to all of this. When I was on testosterone, my sex drive was really high, and I found I was sexually attracted to men. But when I went off T and my hormones shifted back, that intense desire to sleep with men went way down, and my romantic attraction to women came back, just like it had been before I ever started. That was a really significant change for me.
Looking back, I think I was trying to solve a problem of low self-esteem and anxiety about growing up by changing my body. I didn't have the perspective to see that the feelings I had were common, especially for a tomboy, and that they might change with time. I'm 22 now, and my mindset is completely different from when I was 18. I've grown up, and I understand myself better.
I don't think I exactly regret transitioning because it was a path I needed to go down to learn these things about myself, but I do have regrets about the permanent changes it caused. I wish I had asked myself a different question back then. Instead of asking "Do I feel like a guy?", I wish I had asked, "Do I think I will want the physical effects from testosterone for the rest of my life?" That's a much more important and concrete question. My thoughts on gender now are that it's okay to feel like a guy or to be a tomboy, but you don't necessarily have to medically transition to be okay. Questioning your gender can suck, but I don't think you have to do it forever.
Here is a timeline of my journey:
| My Age | Event |
|---|---|
| 18 | Started identifying as transgender and began social transition. |
| 19 | Started taking testosterone (Nebido). |
| 20 | Stopped testosterone after 1 year and 3 months. |
| 20 (9 months after stopping T) | Menstrual cycle returned. |
| 20-21 | Experienced gradual return of pre-testosterone emotions and sexuality. |
Top Comments by /u/mollifyable:
I’m so sorry these things have happened to you. Don’t underestimate the healing power of time. If you spend the rest of your life with more estrogen than T it will slowly amount to big changes. Make sure you keep tabs on the hormone situation with a doctor later on, but no stress. I hope you can find some reward in your school work after all, maybe it can be like an escape? If you need to talk to a stranger I am here
I'm 22, so not that much older than you, but me at 18 and now are two COMPLETELY different mindsets. I didn't know that it was possible to grow up into a woman and not be worried about gender or feel weak and unloveable and whatever else. Despite the fact that people are growing up into women all the time.
You're probably a tomboy, you probably feel all the same things that people who transition feel. But it's about being able to anticipate consequences to decisions and keep it very locally-focused. What do I mean? That one of the hardest things to do reliably is create a bridge between an action and a separate effect. "I will do X and it will have the effect of making me happier." That is SUCH a gamble of a statement! Hardly any such things turn out to be true! And it's almost the logic behind the entire concept of transition. Why would you do these things if they didn't make you happier or better? But the only thing you can really know about transition is some of the concrete physical effects. And as we know some of those can be detrimental to health in the long run. You can feel like a guy, in fact that's okay. But instead of asking, "do I feel like a guy, because I like having a guy name and so on, and would that mean that I would be happier if I transitioned?" try your hardest to ask "do I think I will want the effects from transition for the rest of my life?"
But this is all your own process, it sounds like your family are just plain not helping the situation. I'm sorry about that.
And to be honest, yeah, questioning your gender can suck. I believe it happens, like so much of life happens, but I don't think you have to do it forever. It can be harder to stop doing it however, if you've had a lot of physical changes and operations and you're deep into it and constantly needing to reevaluate what you are and what label you fit in this world ... not saying everyone feels that way but it's a real risk. I was only transitioning for a year and I did nothing but question myself.
Maybe your parents are trying to save you from difficulties of being a gender nonconforming person in the world even if they are doing it clumsily by saying you won't be loved.
I'm rooting for you.
Really similar experience minus the trauma. I think heightened sex drive was connected to my sexual attraction to men and when it went down again, the desire to sleep with men diminished greatly and the romantic attraction to women returned same as before.
It probably depends on the type of testosterone you were taking. I’ve heard of people who’ve gotten their period back after two weeks because they were taking it every week. But for me with Nebido it takes up to a year to notice changes and even then there are more to come. But that sounds like reversal symptoms :)
Took Nebido just like you. Because it’s so slow acting going off it “cold turkey” is like tapering. It takes months for things to return, so don’t let that freak you out. It took 9 months for my period to come back and things like emotional changes, being able to cry more easily have taken even longer to sloooowly revert. This can be a blessing in the sense that, at least for me, nothing about it has felt very dramatic :)
Yeah =) I was on it for a year and 3 months. From the time I was supposed to have taken the next shot but didn't it took almost 9 months for the period to return, and then it was 10 times lighter than pre-t (in every way). It's slowly working its way back to being a bigger deal. I think for some it returns quicker. As for changes, for those 9 months when I technically didn't have any new testosterone I felt exactly like I did on t. the first definite shift was when the period returned; emotions, sex drive, all those things changed again. how long have you been off?