excellent questions, op. i honestly think no two people will be able to give you exactly the same answer - and that's the benefit of a place like this - it doesn't have to be a "groupthink" all-or-nothing answer.

my personal thoughts are that self expression is fine. transition is fine! transition, to any degree or extent, is a valid option that makes some people feel more secure and in-line with their image of themselves, similar to tattoos, weight loss/gain, body modification etc etc. ultimately, it's up to you as to what you feel is a valid and necessary expression for you.

i'm detrans because i stopped t after several years and came to terms with the fact that i'm female. still, i'm in a similar boat as you - i'm very butch, still bind, still use a masc name (tho i'm reevaluating that), and still mentally exist in a sort of "trans-masc" place. much like transition doesn't have to mean conforming w/ gender stereotypes, neither does detransition.

people will criticize you no matter what you do. people will talk behind your back even if you do everything "right". the only thing you can do is make sure you go thru life with integrity - it is the only thing you have. if you make your decisions with full sincerity, criticism from others will not stick, because it will be clear you are not vulnerable to the whims of other people.

i am a female, but i don't identify as anything. other people gender me - i don't gender myself. my clothes don't have gender, my mind doesn't have gender, my soul doesn't have gender... hell, even my body doesn't have gender - it just has biological sex.

i don't really ascribe to gender ideology anymore, but i wouldn't be upset if people called me nonbinary. it's not wrong, exactly, but it's also not right - it's just not a game i choose to play anymore. when i do refer to myself, i typically use generic-masculine ("salesman"; "guy") or neuter/non-gendered ("waiter"; "actor") terms, but as a rule i don't dictate the language other people use for me. if people demand that i disclose pronouns (which i prefer not to, but will do out of politeness), i typically provide "they" - but i don't really mind if someone calls me "she" or "he", and i'm certainly not about to police someone else's speech.

so, i'm a college student and i've lived with a total of 8 different trans roommates (3 trans men, 1 trans woman, and 4 nonbinary transmasculine people). of the 8, 3 of them were into anime - the trans woman, one of the trans men, and one of the nonbinary transmasculine people. so, though it's not my experience, it certainly doesn't seem to be uncommon!

edit: that said, i don't know if that number is significantly different than what would be average among the baseline population. maybe 3 out of every 8 people being into anime/fandom is average? i'm really not sure. it doesn't sound like it would be too far off.

i'm not sure why it seems you made a dedicated account just to reply to replies on my post? my post was literally detailing a situation in which my trans friends were supportive of my detransition - nothing about it was anti-trans, and was in fact celebratory. many trans people are well-rounded and compassionate people, who want others to be their true selves, and are happy to offer support, but it doesn't help anyone to pretend that some trans people don't guilt and harass detransitioners and try to talk them out of reidentifying with their birth sex. it happens, and saying that it doesn't is cruel and spreads guilt, shame, and misinformation.

i'd be happy to talk with you in private, but the impression i'm left with from this interaction seems a little targeted and in bad faith. i am sorry if i've misread your intentions.

I actually have her book on my shelf - I haven't yet read it, and I still intend to, but I feel a bit deflated about it from her tone in the piece she wrote. I'm glad to hear the book is more grounded, and I'll read it with an open mind.

You are so right. I feel the same way about how sexist thinking gets applied to transition - and about who detransitions and why. I understand that trends and averages and generalizations can be helpful, but I think they can used in extremely irresponsible ways depending on the audience. Like, it feels so disheartening to have to deal with the sexism on the side of the gender-affirmative stance - that deviance from gender norms/roles requires an (inherently capitalistic & individualistic) identity change - while also dealing with the sexism from detransitioners who drop fully back into gender essentialism - claiming that women all transition because they're incapable of rational thought and prone to hysteria, and men transition because they are chasing sexual arousal. I'm sure those things are true for some people, but to paint with a broad brush like that while also speaking to a broad, majority right-wing audience seems to only reinforce sexist thinking.

Politically, I'm left-leaning. I would love to see more people left or center talking about this, but it does seem they all get shouted down or crowded out - which leaves the right as the only outlet. Right now, I'm mostly trying to be open about my experience with the people in my life, which is a start. I just don't want the only stories about detransition to come with a whole political agenda attached. It's all really frustrating, which is I guess why it's a vent post, lol.

Yes! T gave me more libido, evened out my facial hair (I had a patchy half-beard on only one side of my face pre-t), and helped me lose fat/gain muscle. I also like the changes to my facial structure. I'm also (bizarrely!) more in tune with my female body than I used to be. I used to have vaginismus and now I'm able to use a menstrual cup.

edit: My mental health also improved. I have schizoid personality disorder and my symptoms improved with transition, and then improved even more with detransition. It's bizarre, but I used to have no emotional range and now I do.

very true! it can be a groupthink situation - if someone's belief in their own trans id is so fragile that another person disidentifying as trans threatens it, i would advise they do some deep digging as to where those feelings come from. but it's also easy to misread a threat to ideology as a threat to self, so i understand why it's scary to them.

oh, for sure. there are a lot of people who have a lot to lose socially by detransitioning, and a lot of trans-identified people who will try to talk their friends out of it. but i also think that the expectation that if one detransitions they stand to lose everything can make a lot of people feel paralyzed or mournful before anything has even happened.

my experience isn't everyone's, but i mention it for the same reason it makes sense to leave good reviews after good customer service experiences - because usually the only people posting are the ones who had a bad time, because if they had a neutral-to-good time, there would be less urgency to post. people who've had negative experiences are the loudest because they have been hurt, and they want to save other people from that same hurt.

i actually think my experience is more of a typical one: i transitioned and the reactions of most people in my life ranged from confused to indifferent to supportive, but never hateful. my detransition worked exactly the same way.

no, not at all. i'm supportive of my trans friends and i think transition is a helpful tool for some people. i support access to medical and social transition. i didn't actually realize that phrase was (apparently?) a dogwhistle. i usually say "trans" but i made the distinction there because i think i had an aborted line of thought in this comment that was going to elaborate on trans people who would, without affirmation from other trans people, not be trans, and how the support from others can be paralyzing and make people afraid of detransition, even if detransition is right for them. i sort of meant it in the same way some trans people talk about "eggs" - not a term i like, but used to refer to potential trans people who are in denial.

anyway. no, not a transphobe, and if that's a dogwhistle (?) i'll consider other language options.

yes!! exactly that! it's exhausting to hate people, and it's exhausting to believe that people hate you. most people would really rather be kind and good to the people around them. the people who are actively hateful are so often the same people who believe they are hated en masse by society. like, the reason anti-vaxxers are TERRIFIED is that they believe that other people are so full of hatred that they would spend hundreds of thousands of dollars going to medical school not because they want to help people, but because they want to deceive people. the fear comes from a belief that other people want to do them harm.

some people do want to do harm, but they're few and far between. most people want healthy relationships with the people in their lives, and want to be thought of as a good person. one of the cruelest thing the trans movement does to people, in my opinion, is teach them they'll be universally hated if they wear a dress, or if they grow a beard, and so the only people they can trust are other trans people. it's isolating and cruel, and almost entirely unintentional because the belief is that they're trying to protect each other. even that behavior so often comes from good intentions, but it stems from a fear of hatred. and then detrans people carry that fear with them, but in reverse.