I can only imagine how scary it must feel to be in your position and my heart goes out to you. Try to take some deep breaths and remind yourself that you’re okay. You’re not in a burning building, even if it feels like that sometimes.

One thing to remember is this: You’ve enrolled in university, great job! Even if you did it under a name you might want to change... so what? YOU are still the person who accomplished this. Changing names? That’s just a matter of paperwork, no big deal!

You and your boyfriend put down a deposit for a house! That’s great! But... you are still you. Your boyfriend (who may stop identifying as such) loves you for YOU. He doesn’t love you for your identity— that’s a shapeless, formless, concept. It’s not real in any tangible way. How could changing your identity change how he feels about you? At the core of the issue, it comes to the “optics” of the situation.

You might go from being in a “gay” relationship to being in a “lesbian” relationship but ... nothing is actually changing. Try to remember that. And remember to be understanding and compassionate towards your boyfriend, who might need a little more time in realigning his “identity”

I’m sure you two can figure this out together. It sounds like you’re both in the unique position to understand each other fully.

And remember you always have this subreddit to turn to for advice and support.

Hey, don't worry about being called a 14 year old girl. I'm a woman who has never been on T, I don't have any hormonal issues, and people often think I'm a 14 year old boy on voice chat.

It can be surprisingly hard to distinguish between a preteen boy voice and an adult woman voice.

It's good that you're putting yourself out there more, even if just on discord. You don't have to rush yourself to meet people IRL if you're not ready, don't worry. You can take some time to yourself and get yourself more comfortable with your appearance before going out.

But remember, there's no "wrong way" to be a woman. A woman with acne is a woman. A woman with short hair is a woman. Your value goes beyond just your physical form and how much other people 'enjoy' looking at it. It's a hard message to un-learn, since we've been told it our whole lives.

Don't gay and lesbian individuals also exhibit a lot of these "opposite-sex brain activity patterns"? I just don't see this 'evidence' being consistent. Not to mention that the majority of people who transition or identify as trans have not had any such testing done on them and indeed rely on stereotypes (usually re-writing their own history to better fit the stereotype necessary to justify their transition)

Hey there, sorry you're having a rough time right now. Hang in there.

I'm not trans or detrans, I'm a cis lesbian in my thirties now. There are a few things I wanted to respond do.

Although I take issue with you calling yourself a lesbian if you're attracted to guys, too (please stop this, there are enough men who believe "lesbian = I just have to try harder and then they'll sleep with me!" without bisexual women calling themselves 'lesbian' when theyre bi), know that a lot of the feelings you're having are common for all same-sex attracted women. I was not really gender non-conforming as a child. Maybe slightly but nothing that would really draw attention.

Around 14, as I was dealing more with my sexuality (internally), I went and chopped off all my hair and went for a super short cut. It was euphoric. But it wasn't because I was a man on the inside, it was more about rejecting gender roles for women. Because in the end, being a same-sex attracted woman is completely contrary to gender roles, and I felt a sort of strength in just embracing that as hard as I could.

I have long hair and dress femininely now that I'm more secure in my sexuality but just know that the "Cut all your hair off and feel euphoric" thing is not uncommon AT ALL with lesbians. All my lesbian friends went through it at one point.

That being said, I wish you all the best. Please be gentle to yourself.

I second what Grubbly said. A lot of lesbians have dealt with the same issues as you and other lesbian detransitioners. You are certainly not alone, and unfortunately, I believe there are going to be a huge number of lesbian detransitioners/desisters rejoining the lesbian community in the oncoming years.

Your body will recover somewhat and I’m sure that there are plenty of lesbians who will find you attractive.

I think it’s something that everybody has, but not everybody tries to overcome. I’m still working on overcoming it, myself. There are already some good suggestions that I agree with but I’ll include one that hasn’t been mentioned.

Playing DND with a group of women playing female characters has been... weirdly eye-opening to me? A lot of female players make male characters because we’re so used to male protagonists and thinking of their feelings and motivations, that even as a woman, I initially worried about whether or not I’d be able to ‘successfully’ play interesting female characters. But once I tried it started becoming more and more real and more and more rewarding. The relationships with other female characters (friendship and romantic) have also been very rewarding to play out.

I know it’s niche and dorky and actually very hard to get an all-female group together— mine has fallen apart (various reasons) so I’m going to be trying to put a new group together for this very purpose.

Best of luck. We’re all still working on this together.

I find it ironic that you’re demanding “proof” of facts about lgbtq people while also letting everyone know that you’ve already made up your mind due to your invisible sky daddy telling you what to think. No facts were necessary to convince you of that, obviously.

Also LGB people and T people have nothing to do with each other. Same-sex attraction has existed since the dawn of time. Transgender “history” doesn’t hold up.

EDIT: removed a typo

Hey there! So sorry to hear that you’re feeling stressed about this but I’m glad that you’re figuring yourself out. As some other people have posted, how and when you choose to come up is entirely up to you. You don’t owe a detailed explanation to anyone you think won’t “get it”. You can just tell people that you’d like to be referred to as “she/her” and whatever name— whether it’s your birth name or your trans name. It’s your right to disclose as little or as much as you want.

Unfortunately you’re probably right about trans/TRA friends not understanding or even being upset at you or abandoning you. This is sadly common with detransitioners. At least in your case you know you have your close friends to rally around you and your family’s (perhaps hesitant or confused) acceptance, too. But I know how real “online friends” are and how hurtful it can be to lose their support. Remember that you have a lot of support in this sub if you need it.

I would be prepared for some confusion but remember that you don’t need to tolerate any bullying, harassment, or mockery. People who would treat you that way are showing their true colors.

Best of luck to you and welcome back to the sisterhood. Big, small, butch, femme, straight, bi, gay, thin, fat— there’s no wrong way to be a woman! You are important and needed in this world just as you are.

I think you make a great point. A lot of people take “accusations” of internalized misogyny/lesbophobia as an insult. ( And I can see why, since some GC trolls will use it as such!)

But the fact of the matter is that misogyny and homophobia (especially lesbophobia) are so deeply entrenched in our society that there is no way that anyone can be raised in this world and escape without having learned it. Even for radical or liberal, or left-leaning people who have actively worked to undo misogynistic or homophobic thinking patterns, it still exists to a degree. Women and LGB are no exception- we have internalized it whether or not we like it.

I think it’s something that should be explained more compassionately instead of used as an accusation.

I’m so sorry that you feel failed by the medical system. And honestly, I really can’t blame you. There should have been MAJOR doubts about letting you transition. I’m glad that you’re working on the underlying issues and coming to terms with who you are.

As a fellow gay myself, I know that the world can be unforgiving to GNC gays. But we can’t let the world tell us how to live our lives or how to express ourselves. There’s nothing shameful in being a feminine man or masculine woman. Forgive yourself if you’re holding onto any negative feelings towards your own choices, you did the best you could with the information provided to you at the time.