This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the comments provided, this account appears authentic. There are no red flags suggesting it is a bot or a bad-faith actor.
The user's writing is highly specific, emotionally nuanced, and internally consistent over time. It details a deeply personal and painful struggle with detransition, body image, and mental health that lacks the simplistic, repetitive, or agenda-driven language often seen in inauthentic accounts. The raw, self-critical, and hopeless tone aligns with the genuine trauma and complex psychological distress that many detransitioners experience.
About me
I started testosterone in my early twenties because I hated my naturally masculine appearance as a tall girl and thought becoming a man would be a new start. I was deeply depressed and mistook the initial social validation for proof I was making the right choice. The testosterone permanently changed my body, giving me a deep voice and causing balding, which I now find disgusting. I stopped almost a year ago, but I can't go back to living as a woman because I just look like a man in a dress. I feel completely disconnected from myself and hopeless about my future.
My detransition story
My entire journey with transition and detransition was built on a foundation of not liking myself and trying to escape who I was. I never had a problem with my gender itself; I had a problem with me. I was an extremely tall, masculine-looking girl with no curves, broad shoulders, and a face I considered ugly. From a young age, people sometimes mistook me for a boy, which just added to my feeling of being wrong and not fitting in.
I used transition as a form of escapism. I thought that by becoming a new person with a new identity, I could leave all my old problems and the person I hated behind. It felt like a "new start." I was deeply depressed and suicidal at the time, and I saw medical transition as my last chance to have any kind of future. I now see that making such a permanent, life-altering decision from that mental state was a huge mistake. A stable, healthy person doesn't make choices like that.
I was on testosterone for almost three years. At first, the "euphoria" I felt wasn't about being a man; it was about finally feeling like I looked "normal." For the first time, my naturally masculine appearance matched how people were addressing me. I mistakenly took that social validation as proof that I was a real trans man.
The reality of the physical changes eventually set in. Testosterone didn't turn me into a handsome guy or a masculine woman. It made me look like an old, balding, wrinkled man. My voice dropped permanently into a deep, disturbing range that I hate. I can feel the vibrations in my chest when I talk, and it disgusts me. I can't stand listening to my own voice, especially next to other people. I can't even sing anymore. I'm now almost a year off testosterone, and nothing has changed back. The effects are irreversible.
Trying to live as a woman again has been a nightmare and feels completely impossible. I bought feminine clothes, bras, and makeup, but I just look like a man wearing women's things. My body is deformed from the testosterone; my genitals are small and misshapen, making wearing women's underwear feel disgusting. I even bought wigs to help with the balding, but they just make me look like a man in a wig. There is no "woman" to come back to. I don't regret not getting surgery; I couldn't afford it, and that was a lucky break.
I legally started the process to change my gender marker to female but canceled everything last minute. I realized I didn't want to be perceived as a trans woman. In my country, that is extremely dangerous, and it also isn't who I am. I've told people to use she/her pronouns again, but I can't even use them for myself in my own thoughts. My native language is heavily gendered, so every thought reminds me of this mess. I feel completely insane.
My self-esteem was always low, and now it's nonexistent. My happiness depends far too much on how I look, and I can't seem to change that. I am fixated on my physical reality. I am the tall, large, masculine one, and that physical fact forces me into a social role I hate. In a relationship, I feel forced to be the "big spoon" and the protector because of my size and voice, when that's not my personality at all. If I try to act in a way that feels natural to me, I feel like a ridiculous freak—a gorilla trying to be a cute girl. The contrast between how I feel and how I look is unbearable.
I see other detransitioned women who are able to move on or who can be seen as masculine women, but I don't feel like I fit there either. I just feel like a weird, ugly monster. I am disconnected from myself more than ever before. I am in therapy and on medication, but I can't work because of how terrible I feel, so I can't afford to continue treatment right now. I am hopeless and suicidal. I know the only way forward is to somehow accept this and move on, but I don't know how.
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| Teenager | People often mistook me for a boy due to my tall, masculine appearance. Felt extremely ugly and disconnected. |
| Early 20s | Started testosterone, believing it was a "new start" and a way to escape myself. Was deeply depressed and suicidal. |
| ~23-25 | Was on testosterone for almost 3 years. Voice dropped permanently, began balding, body changed irreversibly. |
| 25 | Realized it was a mistake and stopped testosterone. |
| 26 (Now) | Almost 1 year off testosterone. Physical changes are permanent. Trying but failing to reconcile with my body and identity. |
Top Comments by /u/nicelifebro:
I find it pretty individual so my experience could be not useful, or it could be taken wrong, but here's something from a person who initially had problems with themselves in general, not with gender, and who used escapism as a coping mechanism which lead to transition in order to replace the original person with this new person, clean from experiences of the old one, "new start" etc So my thoughts can be very different from something other people will(hopefully! please) share
..so, one of the most important for me personally: Transition won't make you a different person, YOU WON'T ESCAPE YOURSELF
I don't have to "choose" between M or F(if it's even a choice, I think if you're trans-trans you just know and don't have to "choose"?.. Im not sure how it works since I'm not trans so I'm sorry!)
Reasons of gender dysphoria could be not actually connected to gender, it's worth looking for answers in different spaces, and it's not transphobic to think that your gender problems could be caused by something else (i believed there's only one reason - The Trans Reason, and if someone mentioned going to a not-gender-related therapist I took it as an insult)
Medical transition is irreversible, I mean i r r e v e r s i b l e, think coldly before doing anything (i didn't care because was ready to kms - another "red flag", although I thought it proves that I'm really-really trans) 24/7 fantasizing to escape the reality and myself IS NOT a sign of an adult stable person - don't do anything as serious as medical transition, try whatever you want socially, looks wise etc, but don't mess with your very real physical body unless you see you're able to be responsible for your decisions. I made my mistakes with thoughts like "I don't care, I'm about to kms anyway, it's my last chance, I'll do it and then maybe I can have a future" etc which does not seem like a decision a stable adult person would make, it was a running-away situation. But I'm not saying thoughts like this always indicate that you're wrong, I'm saying that in my situation, considering other stuff, it was clearly a bad sign
(sorry talking to myself here) Now you can feel like you're 100% right and sure - bad sign also, if you know you're impulsive, lost, not okay at all - you have every reason to expect things to change drastically(seems obvious but not when you're "lost and not okay at all"), so don't move too fast, at least...
I think I partially can relate, before transitioning I already was so physically masculine people couldn't tell I was a teenage girl. Beauty standards + my personal issues made me think I'm not "normal" so I need to fix myself no matter what way to seem normal. And i actually "finally" looked normal when I started trying to mimic men, so at first I was euphoric just because of that, and mistakenly took it as a sign of being "a real trans man". I still can't stop depending on social norms and standards so now, after almost 3 years on T and 1 year off, I'm terrified to the point where I can't connect to myself even more than before. I just made everything I hated in myself even more real, and NOW it's actually not "normal". I'm a weird ugly monster, it's my fault, and I don't want to accept what I've done to myself. Still live as a man, can't even use female pronouns in my own thoughts - "this" creature is not a female anymore, I don't have rights to go by she/her, it feels disgusting. I don't see masculine women or other detrans women as "weird ugly creatures", it's how I feel about myself because it doesn't "fit" me at all.
I would love to say something hopeful but I'm in a similar situation right now so I think can understand. It's been a year off T, everything just keeps getting worse. It doesn't mean it's like this for everyone though, it makes sense to give it some time, to keep going as long as you can. It won't be easy, it probably will never be fully okay, but it most likely will get bearable at some point and with some effort. Our brains can adapt to a lot of terrible things. Wishing you strength.
For some people, as soon as you realize you don't need to change yourself physically(no matter what direction) to feel like yourself, even after years on T and surgeries, because you are already yourself no matter how you look
I personally didn't manage to start feeling better, everything is just getting worse and it's been more than a year since I realized what happened and stopped T. I've never felt so disgusting and disconnected from myself. I can't function and I'm suicidal. For me the way I look matters, maybe too much, and I'm not planning to get rid of this "mindset", and that's why it's so hard
I hope something will work for you - changing the physical reality or your mindset; therapy, procedures, anything - and you will feel better
Same, I'm afraid to talk or do anything else that requires using vocal cords because every sound at this point makes me feel disgusting, especially if I'm talking to someone else and can hear the contrast. Can't listen to anyone without suffering, especially singing is bad. And it's been a year off T, but I never expected anything to change back because I was on T for almost 3 years. ... But yes, I still get kind of scared when I suddenly make a really deep noise and can literally feel the vibration in my chest lol, disgusting.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I understand what you're saying and I agree.
Can't figure out how to not focus on myself though. I can't avoid comparing, can't value and appreciate myself as a separate person with unique experience and genetics that gave me a "unique" combination of unfixable things like height, race, body shape etc.(...that I hate and can't fix no matter what). I see how it's a bit less about how I look and more about my self esteem in general (that currently depends on how I look too much(and it shouldn't but it will depend at least partially) so it never was adequate and stable).
(Extra thoughts......not necessary) (I realized I don't care that much about good looking strangers; I hate being -the ugly one- when I'm with people who are close, and especially I hate being THE BIG TALLL OLD MASCULINE one. And I've been this -one- my entire life. It doesn't fit my actual "role", if it makes sense... For example, in relationship I don't want to be the huge "man"(and woman) with a deep voice and play a role of a "big spoon", but just because I'm a physically masculine -one- I'm supposed to do it, just because my voice is deeper, I'm MUCH taller, my face is not a cute pretty babyface unlike my partner's etc. Because I'm literally PHYSICALLY the big one. I'm not cute, I'm not small. I can't choose what is comfortable for me, it's just the physical reality that chooses the role for me. If I just do whatever I want, I become a ridiculous freak who pretends to be "a cute little girl" while looking like an old hairy killer gorilla and sounding appropriately. It feels and looks(physical reality) this way in my case, and no amount of makeup, cute clothes and even surgeries can fix it. It's still not "me". Also when I talk with people I know I feel even larger and uglier because there's this terrible contrast between them and me. That's what I hate the most, how my physical reality affects who I am, and there's nothing I can do to fix this. I'm not going to "roleplay" and live in illusions anymore, so all I'm focused on is the physical reality, and this thing is unfixable, so I'm hopeless to ever be in peace with myself.
I understand there's nothing to do about it other than "accept and move on", or live a miserable life (or not live a life at all but it's another story), so I'm just venting, I'll figure it out, one way or another. Just want to know if there're other people with weird fixations that spoil their lives to that point. . . And see what someone else thinks, maybe fresh thoughts)
Thank you for sharing your experience.
What have you done to live as a woman again?
I'm 9 months off, not wearing extra feminine clothes(bought a skirt though and I look like, of course, a man wearing a skirt) but it's something neutral women here wear. Bought shit like a bra(I'm lucky to not being able to afford any surgeries, although I have nothing there anyway), and I look like a man wearing a bra, underwear that is suppose to be for female - my deformed genitals make it look and feel disgusting, it literally looks like small male genitals. Tried to wear makeup, wasted a lot of money I didn't have on this, guess what - it's a man wearing makeup.
All I can get eventually is looking like MtF that struggles with passing. Even before I started T and thinking about transitioning people thought I was a guy sometimes, I have this type of body and face that is called "androgynous"(in my case I was just tall, had killer shoulders, no curves at all etc, and extremely ugly face)
So there's nothing to "come back" to even. I'm aware so I'm not waiting for it or expect it at all.
I didn't get a lot of facial hair on T so it's not a big problem for me, although I'm balding very badly, and when my hair is long enough it looks even more pathetic. I wasted money on two wigs(long and short), but both make me look like...guess what - a man wearing a wig!
I tried but it made me feel even more hopeless.
I also contacted a place that gives you all those papers to change your gender marker legally etc, scheduled appointments with every doctor I needed, bought tickets, rented a flat, and... cancelled it all a few days before I needed to go there because I understood I shouldn't have F in my documents. I don't want to be perceived as a trans woman. In my country it's extremely dangerous.
Also told everyone I could I'm out of this game so they could use she/her. Although I can't even use it towards myself. In my native language almost every freaking word is gendered so I can't even THINK, ha ha. I feel absolutely insane. I had a therapist, I'm on meds, but I feel so terrible I can't work so I don't have money on it now. I'm willing to try again though when...I magically get better an can earn money?. . .
But I'm absolutely hopeless at this point.
I see other detransitioners and I'm nothing like them. T made me look and sound like an old man rather than a "twink gay" or "handsome guy" or "masculine woman" or "androgynous creature" even. Just old, balding, wrinkled animal.
I shouldn't talk about it to anyone(except for a therapist I can't afford now) so I'm letting myself vent online at least.
I appreciate you spent time on leaving the comment, thank you!