This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, the account "nolandnosea" appears to be authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or an inauthentic user. The comments display a consistent, deeply personal narrative of detransition, including specific physical and emotional experiences, self-reflection, and a nuanced perspective that aligns with the known passions and frustrations of genuine detransitioners.
About me
I started testosterone at 19, believing becoming male was the answer to my depression and trauma. The medical changes felt indifferent and my OCD latched onto the process, making me constantly anxious about how I was perceived. I realized my deep discomfort came from trauma, not from being the wrong sex, and I stopped hormones a year later. Now, I'm healing and my body is slowly returning to its natural female state. I've found peace just existing as a masculine lesbian woman, free from the constant pressure to be someone else.
My detransition story
My whole journey with gender started when I was a teenager. I was really depressed, suicidal, and dealing with a lot of trauma. I also found out later that I'm autistic and have OCD, which made me fixate on things obsessively. Back then, I felt completely disconnected from myself and my body; it was like I was living in a fog and didn't feel like a real person. I latched onto the idea of being trans because it felt like a clear answer to all my problems. I thought if I could just change my body to be male, everything would finally click into place and I'd feel "right."
I started medically transitioning when I was 19. I got on testosterone. At first, it felt exciting, like I was working towards something. But it was also exhausting. My OCD latched onto it hard. I was constantly policing how I walked, how I talked, worrying if I was "passing" as male. It was an insane internal dialogue that never stopped. The changes from T happened, but I felt indifferent to them. I grew facial hair, my voice dropped, and I can't hit the high notes when I sing anymore, which still makes me sad. I was told it would be like a male puberty, but looking back, it felt more like I was putting my female body through a messed-up, early menopause.
A big part of my initial discomfort was with my female body. I hated the idea of getting pregnant; it was a huge fear that gave me nightmares. I even looked into getting a hysterectomy when I was young. But I've realized that a lot of that came from trauma and fear, not from a true need to change my sex. Now that I'm off testosterone, I actually want my period to come back. It’s a sign that my body is healthy and doing what it's supposed to do.
I started to realize things weren't right when the "honeymoon phase" of transition wore off. All my original problems were still there—the depression, the dissociation, the trauma. I was crying all the time and felt like I was waking up from a nightmare. I saw how nonchalantly doctors talked about me eventually needing a hysterectomy, which is a major surgery with serious risks. I saw the health complications my trans friends were having from long-term HRT. I decided that if I was going to feel disconnected anyway, I at least wanted my body to be as healthy as possible without the interference of cross-sex hormones. I stopped testosterone about a year after I started.
Detransitioning has been hard. My hormones were all over the place for months; I was angry and crying constantly. But over time, things have balanced out. My body hair has lightened, my face looks less puffy, and my singing voice has improved a little. The biggest change is mental. I'm not constantly thinking about gender or policing myself. I just exist now. It's a relief to not have to bind my chest anymore; I just wear sports bras. I've come to see myself as just a person, a lesbian woman who is a bit masculine, and that's okay.
My thoughts on gender have completely changed. I don't believe in an innate "gender identity" anymore. I think it's all a social construction. We're just humans in bodies, and we should be able to dress and act however we want without it meaning we need to medically change our bodies. The idea that you have a "true self" inside that's a different gender is, I think, a kind of magical thinking. For me, medical transition pathologized my natural gender non-conformity and my trauma responses. I believe therapy—especially trauma therapy—should always be the first step, long before any medical interventions are considered. The affirmative model failed me; I needed someone to challenge me and help me unpack my trauma and autism, not just rubber-stamp my decisions.
I do have regrets. I regret the permanent changes, like my deeper voice and the facial hair. I regret the time and mental energy I wasted on something that wasn't the solution. But I don't blame my younger self. I was a traumatized kid who was failed by the system and swept up by a community that offered a simple, but wrong, answer. I'm angry at how easily I was pushed through the medical system without anyone asking deeper questions.
Here is a timeline of my journey:
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| 19 | Started testosterone. |
| 20 | Stopped testosterone after about one year. |
| 20-21 | Body began to revert; hormones balanced out over many months. |
Top Comments by /u/nolandnosea:
I have heard this from some AMAB people.
You need to stop looking at porn. Especially porn of that kind. Full stop. It is reinforcing these behaviours. Its like a feedback loop of feel good endorphins and stuff.
It's nothing to be ashamed of - pornography as an industry wants to be... addictive and form habits. There is support out there for porn addictions and stuff. If you are able to talk to a therapist, I recommend it.
Like you said, HRT more or less killed your libido rather than treating the core issue.
Good luck with everything and keep working on yourself. Even this kind of introspection is helpful.
I agree OP... coming out of the things I learned in the community felt like waking up from a haze. & the delusion of trying to change my entire sex... a lot of the things that "might mean you're trans" are so goddamn reductive looking back.
what's funny is I used to be really involved in the queer community in my area. & people would tell me not to look into detrans shit cuz it was all terf bullshit. i looked & it made me uncomfortable - not because detrans people are evil and bigoted, but because they were right & I related to their experience.
the rhetoric in the community recently has shifted from trans people who NEED medical transition to treating medical transition as a sort of aesthetic, or general life improvement. it medicalizes and pathologizes gender noncomformity. not everyone is "trans" or "trans" enough to want to medical transition.
it's okay to just be a masc woman or a femme man. in some way the reductive nature of trans gender stereotypes tries to offer a quick, binary way out for those of us who struggle with our own gender noncomformity... & it is even harder for those of us who are gay and lesbian who might "actually be straight."
the medical community really failed me & many others. & no one wants to hear from us. it makes me feel so sad and hopeless. i still have a lot of trans friends i love from the community - those who didn't desert me when i "came out" as detransitioning - but medical transition is ust not right for MOST people.
therapy should be offered first - we need to find a balance between affirm no matter what & challenging people. medical transition should be the absolute fucking last resort. i'm so disgusted and sad by how easily i was put through the system & being constantly affirmed it was the best thing for me... & if you say anything questioning medical transition, you get called a bigot.
i avoided Buck Angel for a longtime because my friends said he was a transphobe (???) & was surprised to find his and my views on medical transition align.
sex is what we're born with, gender is just the dressing. gender is not wholly innate & experimenting with gender & fucking with the barriers should never have been medicalized and pathologized to the extent it is now.
i'm so sorry OP. this post made me tear up. a constant among us detransitioners (& those who don't detrans) seems to be abuse & problems with stable identity that stems from trauma and dissociation. i saw my own detransition as me finally not running away from the "old me" because the truth is, the trauma is still there, and it will catch up. so i hope despite it all, you can see this as the catalyst to begin unpacking your trauma.
abuse & especially sexual abuse committed against men isn't talked about enough. if you can, please look into a specialized trauma therapist. and try to be honest with them - even if your instinct to protect yourself makes you want to lie. i am sure you're tired of medications, but anti-depressants were a good crutch for me while i worked through things in therapy.
i have seen other men who had gotten SRS and gone onto detransition. i hope some will chime in on this thread. i know it feels fucked up, but this isn't your fault. we're raised to put absolute trust in our doctors and surgeons. this is why it is so important we move from an affirmative model to a therapeutic one. you're also lucky to have a partner who has some experience with detransition/trauma.
you deserve to feel content in your own body. & you deserve to feel safe & happy & cared for. what has helped me over the years, somewhat, is to think about your inner child and take care of him now. treat yourself with the kindness and patience that you deserved back then.
this forum has been a lifeline for me the past year. one part support group, one part a place to journal/vent. i hope you will continue to reach out for support & talk to us, when you need it. we have heard all the darkness & doubts & bad things & can hopefully help.
i'm sorry OP. it is hard to escape being objectified. that was part of the reason i transitioned. however i realized my social dysphoria was just me mislabeling or rationalizing hating how men treat me in public.
generally if men approach you in public, assume they don't have good or platonic intentions :/
i am so sorry for what you're going through... baby you didn't "destroy" yourself. you were a traumatized little kid and you were failed by the medical system and misled by gender rhetoric.
you are not an ugly failure of a female. you are still female. this can mean whatever you want it to. it is hard but you'll get there.
my advice would be to work on self-acceptance before looking into surgeries. for me, part of transition was constantly shifting goal posts and things my OCD fixated on about my body - you do not want to substitute gender transition with a new plastic surgery fixation.
our bodies are just that. just bodies. i feel the same way sometimes.
what helped me was to work first on neutral self talk.
because yes, "everyone is beautiful on the inside" is stupid and not helpful.
so try to ground yourself and be grateful for what your body does for you. it doesn't have to be pretty.
for me, i was very, very self conscious about my legs and some weight gain on T as well. i hated myself so much i would wear pants no matter how hot.
instead of focusing on how fat, ugly, hairy my legs were: i just started appreciating how the sun felt on my skin. how it felt in the summer to feel the breeze on my skin. know what i mean? it is hard when you feel you're irreperably hideous, but there are other things to focus on and be grateful for. focus enough on the neutral and pragmatic part, and self acceptance and appreciation will follow...
some of it is training your brain too. when you catch yourself having a bad thought and calling yourself hideous, try to think a few neutral things as well, if that makes sense.
good luck OP i know it isn't easy
I hope I can help - I also have OCD that fixated on gender shit. On loop in my head, constantly. It was fucking exhausting.
What helped me was realizing the idea of "gendered" actions was complete, magical thinking.
I do not have an inherent maleness because of my interests. I'm just a human, who happens to be female, who happens to enjoy a certain thing that our society baselessly calls a "male" interest.
Get what I mean? It's the same thing for you. You're just you. You happen to be born male. It's not your fault that society wants to try to put you in a box.
If I were you, I would examine what you were doing differently during those 4 months you felt okay. It ebbs and flows sometimes. Were you preoccupied with a new hobby or interest? Try to find something like that, that you can fixate on again, and keep your brain busy.
Otherwise, re-examining my views on gender and how it related to me helped immensely. I had to train myself to sort of recognize the inherent absurdity of my actions and assumptions. Not sure if that makes sense, but yeah.
Recognizing there is no "gendered" self inside me that I am denying - I am just a human doing shit.
Just try to catch yourself in that thinking. Form that habit.
When it is really bad, I do grounding techniques. Have you done those before?
You focus on things in your environment. What colours are around you? What noises do you hear? How does it feel right now, to be present? Do you feel the chair underneath you, and how your feet feel planted on the floor?
I recommend looking up grounding techniques to redirect your thoughts, and work very hard onto getting into the habit of employing them. It will not come naturally at first, but keep it in mind, try to do it consistently, and it helps a LOT.
if this person cannot afford therapy they shouldnt peruse medical transition
i was in the exact same situation with ptsd and autism/adhd.
even if your trauma is not sexual in nature, trauma still effects your brain and can completely fuck with your sense of self, identity, and make feelings of dissociation worse.
i would recommend going to a trauma therapist first, before a gender one, and really unpack if dysphoria has been exacerbated by trauma or adhd (my adhd traits from autism cause me to fixate on things rather obsessively - in the morning, gender was the first thing i would think about when i woke up and i would stress all day.)
medical transition shouldnt be the first line of defense against dysphoria. lots of people feel gender dysphoria for a multitude of reasons. dysphoria can be managed if we get to the root, which is why i urge OP to go into serious therapy before fucking around with HRT
the idea of someone not being their true self unless they commit to medical transition is so shitty and nasty.
the question should be "do i need to transition? or want to transition?"
i wish i had been able to afford proper therapy for a year - all i needed for hrt was 3 sessions that did not unpack my trauma or autism.
this last month, with my dissociation and suicidal ideation melting away, i feel like im waking up from a fucking nightmare and no one in my life helped me. being a trans man is different from being a cis man. so much medical and health shit. and despite what ftm timelines might tell you, it is not guaranteed you will even "pass" after HRT and surgery and shit.
i dont wanna sound like a hater & i do support & care for people who medical transition is the best option for (my best friend is a trans lady and i love her dearly.)
but it is not for everyone. i feel like its marketed as such a solution to dysphoria, where the only alternative is suicide. this is not true at all.
ive been crying for 3 days after realizing what ive done to myself i have facial hair now. at the time i didnt care because i was so out of it and living in the fantasy of working toward something. but the something i was working toward wasnt even possible. i was just hyper fixating as i do :(
tl:dr if you cant afford therapy DO NOT medically transition. DO NOT peruse it until you work with a trauma therapist and look honestly at yourself. no idea if this comment makes sense im drunk but there it is
i am so sad and overwhelmed that suggesting people should go into therapy before a lifelong medical commitment makes me look like a transphobe on those other subs. i still have dysphoria. but the things medical transition made me confront actually made everything worse
I was on for about a year and have now been off for nearly a year.
It's normal to cry.
I felt really hopeless a couple months after stopping T. Honestly, most of it was hormones. Give yourself more time for your original hormones to balance out. I was fucking nuts for a couple month, like angry all the time, crying and feeling complete despair and hopelessness.
I feel more balanced now, but I have noticed my PMS symptoms have gotten worse. I would always get depressed around my period cuz of hormones, now it's more intense. But those couple months of hormones balancing out felt like CONSTANT PMS. Never underestimate their effect on mood.
I saw changes up to a year. Took a year for acne, hair, and so on to balance out more.
I have an easier time singing now as well. Not perfect, I am better at hitting high notes - before, NOTHING in my higher registers would come out, made me cry so much.
Not sure if it's practice, or if the connective tissues in my body are becoming softer without testosterone interfering.
TL:DR - You definitely have more changes coming down the pipe. Give yourself up to a year, seriously. I hope you notice the hormonal/mood changes cuz I feel you, those are the WORST.
that makes sense. medically, the changes on T are more similar to a female going through menopause than a male going through puberty. i wish people hadn't pounded into my head that i would get a magical male puberty. i basically put my female body through some kind of fucked up weird menopause thing.
about a year on T i started getting random bleeding and bad cramps, especially during sex, and my "friends" basically told me i was crazy: and that there was no way HRT could do something like that so quickly.
i feel so tired and angry but i'm not even sure who to be angry at
if you're hesitant, I would err toward not getting the hysto. It's a difficult position to be in: I understand T is hard on the reproductive system, as it essentially forces it into premature menopause/atrophy, so if you wanna stay on... Hysto sometimes feels and is presented like an inevitability.
It sounds like you are already happy with your changes. You can stop T and still sound masculine, grow hair, all that. Don't feel obligated to pursue every medical avenue, is what I'm saying. A hysto is a major surgery. My mother got one cuz of cancer. Her recovery was awful. Had that problem with organs shifting, UTI, and other stuff.
It's actually why I went off T, among other reasons. I found it really, REALLY shocking how nonchalantly doctors presented the hysto I would need to undertake "in 5 years." I knew from seeing my mother that it was a big deal. I felt like they didn't give a shit. Your instincts are correct. I would give yourself more time to think about it, and really be honest with yourself.