My whole journey with this started because I felt completely lost and out of place. I think a lot of it was rooted in deep depression and a really low sense of self-worth. I was uncomfortable with my body, especially during puberty, but looking back, I think I just hated growing up and the changes that came with it, not that I was in the wrong body. I was also struggling with my sexuality and I think there was some internalized homophobia there that I didn't recognize at the time. I believed that life would just be easier and better if I were a woman.

I spent a huge amount of time online, and I was heavily influenced by what I read in trans communities. I remember seeing the phrase, "If you think you might be trans, that means you’re trans. Cis people don’t question their gender." That idea got into my head and took over. It felt like I had finally found an answer to why I felt so bad all the time. I latched onto it. I started identifying as non-binary first, and then later as a trans woman. It felt like an escape from all my other problems.

I never got surgery or took hormones. I only transitioned socially. I’m so thankful for that now. I see the stories of people who had irreversible surgeries and are now infertile or have serious health complications, and it breaks my heart. I came very close to starting that path. I believed all the talking points, like the one about trans people having brains that match their identified gender. But when I finally read the actual studies myself, I saw they were being misrepresented. The science didn't actually say that. The brains were still mostly similar to their birth sex; they just had some minor similarities to the opposite sex. That was a major moment of doubt for me.

My social transition didn't make me happier. Any feeling of improvement was temporary, like a placebo. I've come to realize that my desire to be a woman was wrapped up in a lot of things: thinking women had an easier time with dating and social connection, my own problems with porn, and just a general feeling of wanting to be someone else. I thought if I was a woman, my life would be better. But I realized I would have just been an unattractive, trans lesbian, which comes with its own set of huge difficulties. It wasn't the solution I thought it was.

I have a lot of regrets about the whole thing. I regret the time I lost, the confusion I caused for myself and my family, and for ever promoting those ideas to others. I feel like I was part of a system that encourages people to make permanent changes based on temporary feelings. I don't think I was ever truly trans. I was a confused, depressed young man looking for an answer, and I found a community that gave me one that was ultimately wrong for me.

Now, my views on gender are much simpler. I think for the vast majority of people, you are your sex. The discomfort I felt was from other issues in my life—my mental health, my low self-esteem, and not being comfortable with myself as a gay man. I’m working on those things now in a more traditional therapy setting, and it’s helping far more than transitioning ever did.