I think this may be less of a concern nowadays due to trans visibility and more overall awareness. But this was certainly the case back when I transitioned (roughly 18 years ago). Neither the therapist, endocrinologist nor surgeon (that performed my hysto) had any experience with transgender individuals -- I was their first. With my therapist, I simply told them what I wanted and after a few sessions of talking about it, I received letters for hormones and top surgery. Just having those letters was enough for the endocrinologist and surgeon to proceed. Not a single medical professional questioned or challenged me. The experience was annoying (I had to drive 3 hours every two weeks) and expensive (insurance did not cover trans-related care), but looking back it was far too easy to transition, even with significant underlying medical issues (particularly mental health concerns and a neurological disorder).

This is why informed consent is a huge problem to me (and why we're seeing so many young people transitioning). The patient should -not- be instructing medical professionals on how to treat their own illnesses. It's absurd.

In the past, the number of MtFs to FtMs was higher. However, given the prominence of the transgender movement and affirmative care models, the number of FtMs has skyrocketed (see https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6626314/ ). This increase, I think can be attributed to a few reasons:

• FtMs are more likely to view transition as a way to escape misogyny and sexual harassment. In my personal opinion, I think this is (or was) one of the primary reasons for most FtM transitions.
• FtMs are more likely to be impacted by not adhering to stereotypical gender roles due to more control being exerted over their lives in public and private spheres. (ie: more misogyny)
• FtMs, having been socialized as women, are more likely to internalize misogyny and lesbophobia and see transition as the solution to those feelings. Some are so lesbophobic that they may transition as a way to get as far away from that as possible (ie: become 'gay men' - the furthest thing from a lesbian one can be).
• FtMs are more likely to be sexually repressed and view transitioning as a way to embrace their sexuality without the negative connotations attached (ie: slut, whore, etc.) when doing so as a woman. After all 'himbos' and promiscuity among men is revered and encouraged. (ie: surprise, more misogyny)
• FtMs have been increasingly exposed to gay porn and yaoi and are likely to fetishsize men and believe transitioning will allow them to have relationships with (gay) men that are more 'equal' in power dynamics. They're also attracted to men to such an extent they wish to be one. This is autoandrophilia -- the inverse of autogynephilia.

With that said, I think we see so many detransitioned FtMs because their reasons for transitioning are more focused around trauma and misogynistic treatment (though this is changing - see the rise in autoandrophilia). Once you realize misogyny has led your actions and not some innate 'gender identity', transgender ideology falls apart and that usually leads to detransition. After all, how can you continue to follow something you no longer believe in? From what I've seen, many of these detrans women refocus their energy on fighting gender role stereotypes and the systems in place that led them to believe they had to 'switch genders' just to be accepted, safe, etc. (ie: they wish to share their experience and ideally prevent others from going through what they went through). Ergo, they are more likely to participate in communities like reddit.

Honestly, I think if any prominent trans YouTubers detransition it won't be in the public eye. Their trans identity is their 'brand' and how they make a living (usually through their audience - who is also trans). I think if they do detransition, they'll do so quietly and make a new, separate channel (which will attract a different audience) to then further capitalize on it.

Most of the detransitioned YouTubers I've come across weren't really popular beforehand and their channels seem to focus on detrans issues.

I've noticed this a lot with younger FTMs and think there could be a few reasons for it:

• There's been a lot more gay (male) representation in media over the past decade or so, leading to wider visibility and acceptance of gay men (particularly white gay men) in general. Lesbians, by contrast, have not had the same media representation, and even when they do, it is often still done for the male gaze (ie: both women are stereotypically feminine and beautiful and gender conforming). That so many detrans FTMs come out as lesbians later on makes me believe that some of them are just so uncomfortable with being female and being attracted to females (ie: misogyny and lesbophobia), they try to do and become the complete opposite -- and what's further away from being a lesbian, than a gay man?
• It allows FTMs to be part of the trans community (and thus seen as 'woke' or cool) without requiring any actual change on their part. They can just say they are feminine gay men because they say so. They can continue acting feminine, dressing in feminine ways and being stereotypically feminine while avoiding the negativity or baggage that comes along with being a woman. It's also just good ol' fashion misogyny in that it's acceptable for a man to be feminine (especially if he's gay), but it's 'basic' (and not cool or 'woke') for a woman to be feminine (especially if she's straight or otherwise into men). In a word, fear of being 'Karen' or like other girls.
• Yaoi and gay porn. Many young FTMs, upon being disgusted with the power dynamics depicted in straight porn, gravitate towards gay porn and yaoi, all of which helps to form their views on relationships between gay men and gay men in general. The problem with that is that seeing gay men in only the context of porn or pop culture is incredibly reductive. They believe that gay relationships between men consist of one clear 'bottom' (ie: the feminine, submissive, prepubescent-looking one -- the 'twink') and one clear 'top' (ie: the masculine, dominant, older-looking one). And since many FTMs have been socialized as women (and lets be honest here, look like prepubescent boys when trying to pass), it is easy for them to take on the 'bottom' or 'twink' role. By doing this, they are able to have a relationship with a more equal power dynamic (or so they think). But the reality is that gay relationships are far more complex than that and I don't think many FTMs understand the problematic nature of reinforcing the desirability of 'twinks' (which, as far as my 18 years in gay male spaces has shown, are actually known for being 'barely legal', not intelligent and only good for sex). The gay men I know, especially ones in their 30s or more, have no interest in 'twinks' for that reason. Of course that doesn't mean other gay men aren't interested, but it's worth pausing to consider why those men are into someone who looks underage, is submissive and who is eager to please them.
• There may be an aspect of wanting to become what you're attracted to -- autoandrophilia, the opposite of autogynephilia. I think it's absolutely possible that many FTM tend to insert themselves into the 'twink' or 'bottom' role (because of problematic straight porn) to the extent that they only become aroused at the idea of being feminine gay men and thus seek to physically change themselves into just that.

I can only speak to my own personal experience, but for me it boils down to: I'm tired of trying to be something I'm not. I refuse to deny science and to aid in the erasure of homosexuality. When I originally decided to transition I was not in a good place, and it has been hard for me to see and now admit that internalized misogyny and lesbophobia was a big factor in that. Part of it was also an attempt to escape trauma from having been sexually harassed and bullied most of my life. By 'becoming a man' (at least to the rest of society) I thought it would make me safer and thus happier and more free to pursue my interests and dreams. I also thought I was doing something radical at the time -- by being trans I thought I was reclaiming control of my body and giving a big fuck you to all the people who wanted me to be gender conforming, especially men.

But the reality is, when I look back at it now I can't help but feel it was a 'can't beat them? join them' kind of situation. I've also matured and have had a lot more life experience since then, becoming more knowledgeable about feminism and the history of women's rights. This helped to open my eyes and unpack the reasoning behind the choices I had made. I realized that I was glad I wasn't born male and that even if science was advanced enough to turn me into a biological man with fully functioning parts, I still wouldn't go for it. That insight was very revealing to me. If you were to ask me today 'what is a man' I'd say it's a human male whose life and experiences in our society are directly influenced by their male sex (which, sadly, is seen as more valuable in our world). But when asked that question when I first decided to transition, I'd have said I hate my female body and like looking masculine, and have masculine interests and I think I like women too -- so I couldn't possibly be a woman, I must be a man. But that was reductive and forced me to live with this cognitive dissonance that I can no longer maintain. I'm just too tired. I'm also tired of policing the way I look, sound, move and act because I'm trying to fit in as a man. In a way, life 'as a man' has become just as restrictive as my pre-transition life 'as a woman', where I felt forced to hide so much of myself to survive. But by detransitioning and reclaiming my womanhood, I don't have to pretend or hide anymore. I can be masculine -- it doesn't mean I'm a man or suddenly know what it's like to be one. I can have meaningful friendships where people can know me -- all of me and not just the parts I've experienced pre or post transition.

Am I scared to detransition? Absolutely. I've spent nearly 18 years of my life moving through society being seen as a man. And I'm deeply concerned it's physically too late because I've been on T for so long. But I must love and be authentic to myself. That is the most radical thing I could ever do.

I wish that I could provide you with words of comfort and reassurance that you will obtain happiness at some point. But the reality is that finding happiness when you are split into two (your original experiences as your birth sex and your current experiences as a trans woman) is extremely difficult. I say that as someone in your shoes -- I transitioned nearly 18 years ago (hormones, top surgery and a partial lower surgery). I have lived, 'successfully' as a man for all this time but I have never found personal happiness or fulfillment in that.

Like you, I have a fairly fulfilling job, but I've tried dating with little success. Straight women and gay men are not interested in trans men (because they are attracted to the physicality, biology and experiences common of the male sex). Straight men and gay women are not interested in trans men (because though we have the biology and experiences of women, we have the physicality of men). I imagine the same (but inversely of course) is true for trans women. And my experience with bisexuals is much like your own -- we're good for sex but not a lasting, romantic relationship. How can we find happy, fulfilling relationships when we cannot attract those we are most attracted to? It's very demoralizing. Not because people need a romantic relationship to be happy (though it's valid if one does), but because of the realization that there's nothing we can do about it. We cannot control what others are attracted to and how they see us. We can only control those things for ourselves.

Honestly, this made me realize that my attempts to be seen as a (gay or straight) man meant that I, personally, was not loving myself entirely. How can one love themselves when they wish such a large part of them (for most of us, our entire childhoods, teen and young adult lives) didn't exist or had been vastly different? It was then through exposing myself to gender criticism and detrans stories that I was able to finally realize that internalized misogyny and lesbophobia had helped fuel my desire to transition and it was not some innate gender identity. After all, how does one feel like a man (or woman)? What does that mean? To what do we compare our feelings of such if we cannot experience the internal thoughts and feelings of another? How do I know my 'feeling like a man' is just that and not something else entirely? We can only know our own internal thoughts and experiences. In my case I wanted to escape misogyny and my trauma of being a butch same-sex attracted woman and be someone new -- someone who could no longer be a victim. I would make a better man. I would be more attractive as a man. I would be accepted as a man. To some extent that is true, but it comes at the cost of erasing myself and half of my life experiences. For some, they're ok with that but for me, it hangs over my attempts to be happy like a dark cloud. That I am a man but born a woman with the experiences that come along with that created a cognitive dissonance that I simply no longer wish to maintain. It's exhausting. So I have personally decided to pursue detransitioning.

I share this not to encourage or discourage you, but simply to help you unpack your own experiences and what you truly want for your future. I wish you all the best, whatever the path you take.

Lower growth typically does not go away after stopping hormones. While you may experience some shrinkage since you haven't been on T for very long, it is unlikely to return to its original pre-T state.

If you're feeling self-conscious, it may help you to know that the lower growth one experiences on T is generally still within normal size ranges for most women (who have not taken hormones).

Unfortunately, the only way to return to pre-T size is generally with surgery -- a Clitoridectomy (which can be incredibly risky and something I personally wouldn't recommend).

I agree. Most of the YouTubers I watch, at least when it comes to trans issues, are detransitioners (GNC Centric, Elle Palmer, Leoaica Motanelul, Nelemil, Laura Reynolds) or people like Blaire White, Kalvin Garrah and Rose of Dawn (all of whom are still problematic in their own ways of course). I feel they all take a more critical view of the trans community and gender in general, and I appreciate them for that.

While I have not had a phalloplasty, I have had a partial metoidioplasty -- specifically a clitoral release and testicular implants. There was no urinary hook-up performed and my vagina remains intact.

That said, I will be very honest with you -- I regret it immensely. It continues to be the -worst- decision of my life. I feel mutilated even though my surgery was performed by a very well-known surgeon in the trans community (but who is mostly known for their work with vaginoplasties). It also cost me roughly $8k (as none of it was not covered by insurance). I was not required to provide any letters of recommendation from a therapist or psychologist (standards that were in place when I had my surgery and which were required by the surgeon for someone wanting a vaginoplasty but not FTM surgeries). Apart from the aesthetics, which leave a lot to be desired and do not match the results of others I had been shown, my sexual feeling and function has fundamentally changed in a negative way.

Allow me to elaborate. A clitoral release is when the ligaments/tendons holding the clitoris against your pubic bone are severed. The newly released clitoris and the exposed flesh on either side of it is then wrapped around and stitched together on the underside in such a way as to make the clitoris resemble a micro-penis (except it doesn't...at all) while maintaining erogenous sensation. In regards to testicular implants, an incision is made on each labia, an implant is inserted and then the incision is stitched close. Prior to the installment of testicular implants it is highly recommended (and the practice of other doctors who perform this surgery) to install tissue expanders. This creates a 'pocket' and stretches the skin of the labia so that the implants can fit better and 'hang' like normal testicles. Typically the labia are also stitched together to ensure a normal male appearance (ie: a single ballsac with two balls).

My surgeon did not install tissue expanders beforehand. They also fitted me with the -largest- implants available (I'm 5'5 and was 130 lbs or so for reference). They were twice the size of my (cis)male partners' at the time (who was quite large in that regard). It literally felt like rocks had been sewn into my labia -- the implants were hard, smooth and roughly the size of my entire palm. I could not sit down properly because the skin also hadn't been stretched first, so they were right up against my body (pubic bone) -- they did not 'hang'. My labia was also not stitched together to create a natural ballsac appearance. Have you seen a male rabbit? You know how they have a testicle on each side and their penis is in the middle? It was like that. Ultimately, because of their size and lack of tissue expansion prior, my body rejected the implants and they had to be removed a few weeks later. The pain during all of this was excruciating. Despite having been installed in a hospital, the implants were hastily removed in the surgeon's office. The sutures from that removal -- over 10 years ago -- are still inside of my labia. They cause me daily pain and have made sex unpleasant (because any pressure against the sutures causes pain). The surgeon was/is aware of this -- I reached out to their offices several times about it but unless I paid them $2-3k for 'hospital expenses' they refused to remove the sutures (which is funny because the surgeon literally cut the testicular implants out of me in their office). Had the statute of limitations not ran out, I would've sued for malpractice. But at the time I was too afraid to -- any attempts I've made to talk about my surgery and that particular surgeon have been met with attacks, death threats and so on.

As to how this has otherwise affected me -- I no longer experience the same level of arousal, sensation, or orgasm I did before. All of these things have lessened. I am embarrassed and ashamed of what my genitals look like now and it has impacted my ability to have a normal, healthy romantic/sexual relationship. I wish I had never had the surgery. It wasn't worth it and the risks were severely downplayed because it wasn't considered as invasive as a phalloplasty or metoidioplasty with urinary hookup.

It has taken me a long time (over 10 years) to feel comfortable sharing this again and I share my story not to frighten you but to help your quest in deciding whether something like lower surgery is right for you. I recommend reading about everything that can go wrong with the surgery and deciding how you would feel if that happened and whether it'd still be worth it to you. All the best to you.

This is very inspiring! Thank you for sharing it. If you don't mind me asking, what was your beard growth like before now? I ask because I've a consult with my doctor later today to discuss my going off T (which I've been on for nearly 18 years) and onto Estrogen (as I've had a full hysto). I currently have the ability to grow a full beard and am curious if it will thin out to the extent yours has. I am hoping so.