Looking back, my whole journey with gender feels like it was influenced by a lot of things I didn't understand at the time. I was raised in a very strict Catholic, Hispanic family. There was a huge cultural expectation, especially for the eldest children, to go into the church. For girls, that meant becoming a nun. I remember intensely wishing that the expectation was to become a priest instead, because then I could be a man. I think that was my first real brush with wanting to escape being female.

This feeling got stronger as I got older. I hated going through puberty and developing breasts. It felt wrong and foreign to me. I found a lot of community and answers online that pointed me toward transition. At the time, it felt like the only solution to the deep discomfort I felt. I came out as non-binary first, but that eventually shifted to identifying as a trans man. I started testosterone and was on it for about six years. I got to a point where I passed pretty well and for a while, that felt like success.

But the T started making me sick. I had serious health complications from it that forced me to really focus on my physical well-being. That was the main reason I decided to stop. I had to taper off and dedicate myself to the process because stopping suddenly can really throw your brain out of balance. I was scared about the changes reversing, but they were right when they said a lot of the changes are semi-permanent. Even months after stopping, they haven't gone away.

Stopping the hormones made me reevaluate everything. I had to take time to just be with myself, to go for walks and not think too hard, but to just listen. I tried to ask my body what needed my attention and what was hurting. I realized that a lot of what I had called dysphoria was overshadowing other problems, like low self-esteem, anxiety, and the trauma of my religious upbringing. I needed to heal those parts first.

I don't think it's all my fault. I believe Big Pharma and the medical industry have a huge responsibility in this. They profit from these treatments and, in my opinion, they don't do enough to encourage people to explore every other option before making a permanent medical decision. They're not transparent about the long-term side effects. It's not all their fault, but they need to prioritize people's long-term wellness over their long-term wealth.

Now, I consider myself a trans man who has medically detransitioned for health reasons. I'm getting more comfortable with myself off testosterone. My thoughts on gender now are that it's incredibly complex and deeply personal. For me, it became a way to escape from other pains. I don't regret my transition entirely because it was a path I needed to walk to get to where I am now, but I do have regrets about not addressing my underlying issues first. I wish I had someone to encourage me to heal the root causes before making such big changes.