This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on this limited sample, the account appears authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or a bad-faith actor.
Reasons for Authenticity:
- Consistent, Detailed Narrative: The user consistently identifies as a "desisted male" and provides a coherent, multi-faceted personal history, including specific details about their social transition, therapy experiences, and internal struggles.
- Complex, Nuanced Thought: The comments show personal evolution and introspection (e.g., discussing meditation, questioning their therapist's motives, analyzing the role of fantasy). This complexity is difficult to fabricate consistently.
- Appropriate Tone: The tone is supportive, empathetic, and aligns with the expected passion and caution of someone sharing a difficult personal experience. The advice given is practical and specific, typical of genuine peer support.
There is no evidence in these comments to suggest the account is inauthentic.
About me
I was born male and my feelings of wanting to be a woman would come and go with the seasons, which was incredibly destabilizing. I almost medically transitioned after a therapist ignored my underlying trauma and a fetish, making me feel like I was on a production line. I now understand my dysphoria was a way to cope with past sexual trauma and a form of dissociation. Through dedicated meditation and proper therapy, I learned to accept my fluid feelings without needing to change my body. I am now at peace as a male who desisted, and I don't regret exploring my gender, only how close I came to permanent changes.
My detransition story
My journey with gender has been long and complicated, and it’s taken me many years to understand it. I was born male, and for a long time, I believed I was meant to be a woman. This feeling wasn't constant; it had a seasonal component where I’d feel strongly female in the autumn and winter, and more masculine in the spring and summer. This was painfully destabilizing. I felt like I should know what I am, and the constant change made me feel inauthentic all the time. It was agony.
Looking back, I see that my desire to transition was influenced by many things. I had a forced feminization fetish, which I now see was a red flag. It wasn't my main motivation, but it was part of the picture. My therapist at the time knew about it but seemed completely uninterested in exploring whether it was a significant driver for my desire to transition. This lack of curiosity, combined with her general disinterest in other aspects of my life that might affect my ability to handle such a big change, made me feel like I was just on a production line. She had one answer for everything: medical transition. Ironically, this objectification appealed to my submissive side, but it was that very attraction that made me realize there was no "adult in the room." I lost faith in the advice I was getting.
I came very close to making permanent changes to my body. The delay in getting a letter from my doctor gave me time to think, and I'm so grateful it did. I started to question everything. I began to realize that my battle wasn't "me against the world," as I had thought, but "me against myself."
A big part of my struggle was related to trauma. I experienced male sexual aggression and coercion, which left me feeling shocked, confused, and incredibly vulnerable. I now understand that for some people, myself included, the feeling of being trans can be a result of sexual trauma—a way to escape abuse by adopting another persona. I never hated my male body; I just wanted it to be a female one. This is different from body dysmorphia, which involves a hatred of one's natural form.
My mental state was also very complex. I was utterly overwhelmed by dysphoria, and it reminds me now of dissociative disorders. I believe I have a form of DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder), though the terminology is a bit messy. My first therapist was completely out of his depth and had no clue about dissociative disorders, which turned me off therapy for decades. It's only in the last few years that I found a truly helpful therapist, and it's been transformative.
What ultimately helped me find peace was a long-term meditation and Buddhist practice. It taught me that I am not a fixed set of attributes but more like a continuously breaking wave—always flowing and changing. My brain works with stories and language, but reality never matches the story. Meditation helps me drop the story and live in reality. It helped me accept that I am just exactly someone who feels how they feel at any particular time, and that's fine. This practice has been hard, like a salmon jumping up a waterfall, but it has helped me profoundly.
I socially transitioned for a period. I lived as a woman and did my best to look female. I found things like wigs, makeup, and breast forms to be psychologically comforting. I learned a lot about feminine presentation and even gave advice to others on it. But through this process, I slowly dismantled everything I thought I knew about myself. I realized that even in my dreams, I was always a male, which was disconcerting when my waking life was spent feeling female.
I never went through with medical transition. I didn't take hormones or have any surgeries. I am now a desisted male. I don't regret exploring my gender, but I do regret how close I came to making permanent changes based on a skewed perception and poor therapeutic guidance. I benefited greatly from non-affirming therapy later on, which helped me deal with the root issues of trauma and dissociation.
My thoughts on gender now are that it is fluid and not a fixed thing. We are all changing all the time. For me, finding peace meant letting go of the need to be one thing or another and just accepting the flow of my own experience.
Here is a timeline of my journey:
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| Late Teens | First began experiencing fluctuating feelings of gender dysphoria. |
| Early 20s | Underwent sexual trauma, which intensified feelings of vulnerability and a desire to escape my male self. |
| 25 | Began seeing a therapist who encouraged medical transition without exploring underlying trauma or fetish. |
| 26 | Socially transitioned and began living as a woman. |
| 26 | Obtained a wig, breast forms, and experimented with makeup and female clothing. |
| 27 | Had a delayed doctor’s appointment, which provided crucial time to reconsider permanent medical steps. |
| 27 | Began to question my transition motivations, including the role of a forced fem fetish and trauma. |
| 27 | Stopped social transition and desisted. |
| 30s | Underwent a period of self-reconciliation and began exploring meditation and Buddhist philosophy. |
| Late 30s | Found a new, helpful therapist who specialized in trauma and dissociative disorders. |
| 40 | Achieved a significant degree of peace and self-understanding through continued therapy and spiritual practice. |
Top Comments by /u/oorrll:
You are doing better than you think. You've realised you are OK with being your natal sex, and also that you felt trans as a result of sexual trauma. Some of us take many years to get to that degree of self-knowledge.
If you can, you should get help to deal with the trauma. Calling a helpline for child sexual abuse survivors may be a good first step, but if you can get one-to-one counselling as well, that would be even better. Your doctor may be able to help with this.
I know some people have suffered at the hands of family members, so the following may not apply to you, but if it's safe and you are OK with it, you should talk to your parents and tell them what's going on.
I would expect that the gender related issues will probably subside once you have worked through the trauma. It's completely understandable that you tried to escape abuse by adopting another persona. It sounds like Wil has kept you safe for a while, but Lisa needs to live fully and be happy. Be who you are.
You can do it. You are stronger than you know. Just don't give up. Keep going, and you will get through this.
You have your whole life to live, explore and enjoy. Never give up.
I would suggest seeing if you can explore who you are and how it feels to be you in different ways, without making permanent changes to yourself.
Your body has a truth and integrity to it in every instant, but our ideas about our body and the meaning of our body in our own mind, and our perception of that meaning in the minds of others, can make this really hard to see, especially where there is anxiety from current or past trauma.
For me, exploring all this has been an amazing journey, with lots of dead-ends, scary climbs and beautiful vistas. If you can make your journey in health and strength (and my goodness, women are strong), I'd say try to do that.
Also, keep looking for good people who see you for who you are, love you and nurture you. They are out there, and they don't need or want you to be anything other than what you are, whenever, whatever.
It sounds like you need to talk to a therapist who specialises in DID or other dissociative disorders. I'd strongly suggest you stay away from less specialised therapists, as they are more likely to be blindly gender affirming.
I'm pretty old now, but your mental state reminds me of how I felt at your age - I was utterly overwhelmed by dysphoria. Being at college may give you access to mental heath treatment at low or no cost. If you concentrate on getting help for a dissociative disorder (not for "being trans") you may get the help you need.
If it doesn't work out with your first therapist, try another - don't give up.
Giving up was the mistake I made. My therapist was completely out of his depth, and had no clue about dissociative disorders.
I had no idea what was going on with me, and his uselessness turned me off therapy for literally decades. It's only been in the last few years that I've begun to really understand myself and I found a truly helpful therapist, and it's been transformative.
I've grown a great deal over the years learning to manage myself, so you can definitely find ways to help yourself, but if you can find a really good therapist, pursue that approach, as well as working on yourself.
Don't give up. You have a lot of growing to do, and a lot to give to the world. Keep going. Get the help you need. Help is out there. Never give up. One day, you'll look back and be amazed how far you've come.
I sympathise with this. It's a common way of framing things, but I think it depends on a false idea of what a "person" and a "self" actually is.
Rather than trying to identify any particular set of attributes which are "authentic", I find it makes things a lot easier, and a more truthful, if I remind myself that I am more like a continuously breaking wave. In reality, I flow and change all the time. Sure, I have certain things that change more slowly, like my bodily form, but that's changing and flowing too. As nothing is permanent, nothing is essentially "this" or "that" so there's nothing to hold on to, nothing to get stuck on.
As you may have guessed, I've found a lot of comfort through meditation. :-)
Our brains often work on the level of language and stories, but reality never matches the story. If we are stuck with the story, then there will always be a feeling of insufficiency in our relationship with reality. It's easy to be controlled and bossed around by the stories that we use to try to understand and live in a rough, tough world.
Most of us know times of "flow", maybe watching a sunrise, maybe showering after a run, when we drop the story and just live in reality for a while. Meditation and living with kindness helps to rebalance things, so we can find our centre and live in a way that is more in tune with this flow state, The story-telling brain is still there to be used, but takes its proper place.
Long term meditation practice is not easy - sometimes you'll feel like a salmon trying to jump up a waterfall - but I do recommend it.
In the context of gender dysphoria, it used to drive me crazy that I had a seasonal component to my feelings of gender. I used to feel strongly female in Autumn and Winter, more masculine in Spring and Summer. I found it painfully destabilising. I used to feel "I should know what I am!". Such a basic thing, I thought. I felt inauthentic all the time. It was agony.
These days, after many years of Buddhist practice, I realise I'm just exactly someone who feels how they feel at any particular time, and that's just fine. Sometimes I get caught up in stories again, and my dysphoria seems to be tied up with stories at some level, but coming back to that breaking wave, and letting go in meditation, helps me find my true, ever-changing self again.
I hope this has made some kind of sense. Sorry if this sounds like some kind of sales pitch for Buddhism, but it has helped me profoundly, so what can I say?
Keep going. Stay strong. Be well.
As a desisted M2F, I'm obviously not in your situation, but I hope you're OK with me offering some comments. (I'm sure some better qualified people than me will chip in).
M2Fs have similar issues, with the added complication of having (on average) larger resonant structures in their vocal tract, chest and skull, so they tend to have lower resonances in their voice. It sounds like you may having originally had a deeper resonance than typical for a woman, but it's unlikely you're in the same boat as a typical man, so you may well have an easier time changing your voice.
Waffling Willow, a detrans woman on YouTube, has a playlist of videos originally intended for M2F transitioners which may help, and also provide some inspiration. As well as videos, there seem to be a lot of speech therapists offering help in this area. I would suggest, if you can afford it, seeking out a qualified speech therapist. As you say, it can be a slow process, but if M2Fs can get good results, I'm sure you can improve things greatly.
For me, one issue was that I never stopped dreaming as a male, albeit as an often gender non-conforming male. Going from a waking life of feeling I was "really" female, to dreams where I was unconstrained by anything but still dreamt as a male was always disconcerting.
In hindsight, I realise the battle I was engaged in wasn't "me against the world", as I felt at the time, but really "me against myself".
Being the target of male sexual aggression and coercion. I was able to get myself out of a bad situation, but it left me shocked and confused and feeling vulnerable in a way I'd never imagined. It still plays on my mind. (I realise that for a woman it would be even worse).
It's possible. It's best to get properly assessed by a specialist. It might be something else in your case, but for me it did turn out to be a form of DID. (The nomenclature of dissociative disorders is a bit screwed up IMO - I'll just say DID for convenience).
I've tried to point people along the path I've walked in the past, but I'm never sure it's a good idea. I don't think I would have listened to the advice I would give now, so what are the chances anyone else will?
People generally want easy answers and quick fixes. For me it's been a slow up-hill grind, but I've found certain things that have been hugely helpful and helped me make progress in ways I could never have done on my own.
Maybe the best thing is to say that I looked for a way forward and somehow I kept going. I never settled. Something in me knew it was worth going on, and that knowledge grew and matured over the years. I found good people and ways to cultivate my life and took these things very seriously, because for me they've been life-and-death.
(It should go without saying, but avoid cranks, zealots and extremists. and anyone offering easy answers, and anyone locating the problem outside of oneself. These people look for the desperate and the vulnerable as easy pickings, so keep your guard up).
I wouldn't wish my issues on anyone, but I wouldn't be the person I am now if I hadn't had to deal with them, and even though my life is hard it feels full of meaning.
I always seem to do things the hardest possible way, so I hope you have the good sense and good fortune to find help early and have an easier time than I have.
I wonder if you might find some relief if you talk to a specialist in body dysmorphia?
Hatred of your natural body isn't a necessary part of gender dysphoria, especially to the extent you seem to be suffering. (Speaking for myself, I never hated my male body - I just wanted it to be a female one). It's possible that approaching the issue from the perspective of body dysmorphia, which is very much a treatable condition, may help you find a way forward.
If people have any sense they will see you as someone with an unusual, rich story to tell and a valuable perspective on an amazingly difficult area which causes people a lot of suffering and confusion.
Sadly, you may find that some people are too dogmatic to see the truth in your experience. Dogmatism comes from a shallow understanding. It looks like you have already gone deeper and realised that life is way more complicated (and yet, weirdly, simpler) than the hardliners of either persuasion would have us believe.
Regarding the feelings of guilt, self-knowledge can be very painful, but what's the alternative? In the end, if we are lucky, we see through our own misguided efforts and settle in to simplicity and honesty. It's part of growing up. Don't be too hard on yourself. Pretty much everyone on this forum walked up a dead end, had to retrace their steps, and were wiser for the experience. You are definitely not alone.
Accepting our own errors is far harder than forgiving other people. You've reached out to us here. Others will reach out in future. Stick around. Your understanding and experience will always be valued. (Alternatively, just walk away from the whole thing without a backward glance. You are free now. That's awesome).