For me, it's not really that I "knew I wasn't trans". It was more like I examined the belief system I was prescribing to. I've never been religious or spiritual so I had to ask myself, deeply, what I truly thought this ephemeral quality of "gender" was that I was changing my entire life and  body for. If I don't believe in a soul, then how could I earnestly believe I was something I categorically I was not? If it was psychological, then what made it more immune to scrutiny than other patterns of magical thinking? I settled uncomfortably on the fact that there was nothing about me that was inherently a different sex, but felt that medical science would make me one in a biological way. Once I actually started hormones, that idea fell apart as a fantasy, too. 

I wish you all the best, no matter how you decide to live your life. 

"because I am internally way more like a woman than a man in most ways"

The only way a woman is like a woman is being female. The only way a man is like a man is being male. Trust me, I know it's easier said than done, but chasing a fantasy based on your own ideas of how another sex lives is not a viable path to health or happiness. I speak from experience when I tell you that even "passing" will not erase this fact. 

If men are gendering you as female, then women can almost certainly tell as well and are being more polite. I wouldn't worry about using the women's room. I promise women won't have an issue with you in there. Most women are pretty nice and will mind their own business. 

FWIW, even with visible stubble and a deep voice, I never got questioned when I began using the women's room again. You'll be okay! 

Hey. I'm detrans female, so maybe my experience won't resonate as much with you, but here is my perspective from my own detransition. 

I don't think it's wrong at all to want to present in an androgynous way. Even though I've been detrans for years at this point, I still retain a lot of "masculine" features (clothing, style, speech) simply because I like them. I tried swinging from one extreme to the other, and it was not sustainable. For me, personally, decoupling the presentation I liked from the idea of sex was necessary -- that the way I liked to exist was not exclusive to one sex. 

That being said... you will have to accept some measure of secondary sex characteristics if you plan to stop HRT. There's nothing wrong in being androgynous, but you will have to be okay being an androgynous man. It was difficult to work through the shame of being seen as my birth sex, but (for me) ultimately completely worth it. I was able to retain my sense of self without needing the veil of a different sex to enjoy it. 

Just my two cents. 

The individual perspectives people develop when detransitioning can (and often do) lead to thinking transitioning is not an answer for anybody, though. If you are unwilling to hear from anybody who went through this, then it's difficult to believe you're genuinely looking for perspective here. 

Hey, I can relate. I promise you you'll be okay. Telling family and friends is definitely the worst part, but once you bite that bullet it is such an incredible weight off your shoulders. 

You might lose friends. You might not. You won't know until you tell them. For me, I did lose most of my "queer friends", but the pain of change was far better than the pain of staying the same. Being able to create authentic relationships with new friends who know how I feel from the beginning is wonderful. And hey, you might be surprised by a few people being in your corner that you didn't expect! 

Detransitioning is hard. Having your worldview upended is disorienting and terrifying. But you will find that once you start ripping the bandaid off, you will settle into a new normal before you know it. Your life will find balance and contentment again. You become so much more self-assured after this and so much less afraid of the judgements of others. 

Good luck, from someone who has been there. ❤️

I think religion is a good parallel. What kind of response do you think you would receive if you went to, say, an ex-Christian community and posted "looking to gain perspective on why people leave the faith, P.S. please don't comment if you believe that God is never the right answer"? Do you understand where I'm coming from? You're asking only to hear from people who hold a belief that is, for most of us, diametrically opposed to our detransition entirely.

I don't agree that it's arrogant to have a belief that is shaped by my own experience and observations. That is what all beliefs are based on. Not sharing someone's belief is not forcing them into a box.

Don't apologize for venting. I guarantee you so many of us here relate to what you're saying -- I definitely do. 

Yeah, the leeway you get with your appearance when you're perceived as a man is night and day. And even the leeway you give yourself... I had such a hard fucking time letting myself just exist as a woman. Feeling like any way I presented myself while female was just a shittier version of who I could be. Feminine presentation was interesting and subversive as a man versus rote and embarrassing as a woman. 

My physical appearance changed from T too. I know this is so much easier said than done, but the best way I've found to be happy in my body is to just stop treating being attractive as a consideration. For me, I feel like focusing on how I look to begin with was such a big driver in my own internalized misogyny/transition. I had to stop sexual self-monitoring. Living in service to the way others perceive you sucks. 

FWIW, you can still walk out the door in jeans and a t-shirt off the floor. You've been female the whole time. You don't need to change if it doesn't make you happy to. 

The reason that transition was not the answer for people is often also a breakdown in the belief that transition is the answer for anybody. You said: "please do not comment here if you believe that transition is not the right answer for anybody", ergo you are not willing to hear from these people. 

You say echo chambers aren't helpful, but have come to a community with questions and disregarded a large portion of them as "those types of people" (your words) if they don't share your belief system. That doesn't make much sense to me.

Hey, I can empathize with a lot of these feelings. Based on your words, I do think you may be more deeply affected by internalized misogyny than you're aware of. Personally speaking, I also had a lot of the same things going on (inability to relate to other girls growing up, bisexual with a homophobic and traditional parent, a lot of "masculine" interests and shame about my "feminine" ones). I dismissed these things as being unrelated to my desire to transition, but ultimately I now see these were really strong motivating factors for me. 

Can I ask, what do you feel that being "trans" is? I think it might help a lot to know what lens you're seeing it through (i.e. a spiritual state, psychological, biological, etc).