If there's anything I learned about online lesbian spaces, ESPECIALLY on Reddit, it's that usually a vast majority of the members are AGPs. There are very few actual lesbian spaces, and they typically get shut down pretty quickly because they're often seen as "transphobic" for not wanting penises in their groups. And if not shut down, then overtaken as another one of the AGP groups. It's really, really sad.

They're just straight chicks who heavily fetishize gay men. It's like the "fujoshi" people who shit on straight and/or lesbian romances whilst worshipping and obsessing over yaoi. The "haha I'm a quirky misunderstood fujoshi" trope was super popular when I was a teen, and I always found it to be deplorable. It's just evolved into what you described.

It's right up there with the men who transition because they're sexually attracted to "becoming" a woman. These chicks are transitioning because they're sexually attracted to gay men. It's all a similar fetish, hiding under the guise of transgenderism.

I was in the exact same headspace. I remember voicing this to a friend of mine many years ago, and they told me I was experiencing "internalized transphobia" and that it was just another barrier to break through in order to achieve my "true self" or whatever.

You aren't alone, and there's no need to feel stupid about it. It's an incredibly divisive situation, with so many people procuring "answers" that are actually just workarounds for people who are being thrown through a transition that they don't actually want. Because when everyone on the outside is complimenting you and cheering you on during transition, it's hard to have an honest moment with yourself without a bunch of lies and second thoughts in the way.

I'm not sure what their feed looked like when you commented this, but they seem to have deleted all of their nudes from their profile. The only remnants left are their replies to people who were commenting on their nudes.

OP - it's clear that you were not open with your girlfriend about your promiscuity online if you went and deleted everything. And considering the fact that on your own profile via subs you willingly referred to yourself as male and a femboy, you probably should not go back onto hormones. You obviously don't seem to be interested in transitioning in the first place. I don't think your girlfriend is lesbian to begin with because she's attracted to someone with a penis, but you really do need to confront her with more than just your unwillingness to continue HRT.

She has the right to know that her partner is repeatedly posting nude pictures on the Internet, asking for strangers' opinions on their body, and interacting with these strangers. If this wasn't previously discussed between you two, this could easily be seen as repeated infidelity. You owe her that much, at least. Then allow her to come to her own conclusions in her own time.

Everyone else already elaborated beautifully & eloquently, but I just wanted to put in my two cents. I truly believe that this looks like body dysmorphia, low self esteem, and disinterest in stereotypically girly girl things. I used to be the same way: hating my vulva, wanting a flat chest, vehemently denying girly-girl femininity... I even wanted a labiaplasty from around the same age until I was about 19. Also had disordered eating that I'm still working with. I see myself in this post, but without the medical transition.

The sooner you can let go of female stereotypes and cliches, the quicker you can find appreciation of yourself and your body. I'm still working on it myself, it's a process. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being a masculine chick. We just have it in our heads that since we're girls, we're supposed to look, act, and like certain things. Once you break out of that thinking, so many possibilities open up, and many anxieties get rectified. It's not instantaneous, but it's a much better (and healthier) process than pumping ourselves with hormones and surgically modifying/removing healthy organs and tissues.

Like many others here, I don't believe "truly trans" exists. I don't have anything to say about that portion that people haven't already stated. I really, really hope you give this a lot of thought before continuing with irreversible surgeries. I'm wishing you all the best. Please, PLEASE stay safe.

That worker probably thought they were being affirming in some way, which obviously wasn't true. When people are so focused on changing to something different, that's all they can pick out. It doesn't cross their minds that maybe you're just a woman who put all of that stuff behind her and decided to move on.

That is an incredibly uncomfortable situation, and I do hope they understood the wrong they did. That isn't something you just approach and say to someone in an everyday situation. They're probably projecting their own feelings onto an experience they had or wished they had, without regard/realization that not everyone is with them on it.

You're doing all you can, which is plenty. I know this is ass, but unfortunately it's part of the process. I hope these situations become fewer and fewer for you soon. You're doing great. I stand with you.

Desisted means you desisted against medical transition. You "tapped out" before you could get started on any surgical or medical changes that would've affected you. Think of it like denying medical transition.

Detrans means you have already begun the medical portion of transition, for any period of time. That could mean surgery, hormones, or both.

I guess you could say that desisting is like socially detransitioning, but that word is solely used for previously medically transitioned people. Think of it as two branches of the same process.

I have the EXACT same issue with the word "woman" referring to myself. I'm totally okay with most of the female versions of the words you listed, but being called a "woman" feels very wrong. I've thought about this a lot lately.

I honestly think, at least in my case, that it's because it's such a mature and adult word. If I call myself a woman, it makes me feel like I'm being put up on a much higher peg socially and developmentally than I actually am. I feel a small panic, like "no, I'm not ready for that yet!" But at the same time, the word "adult" doesn't give me this feeling.

The only other word that I have issues with is "girl," but I feel as though that's just remnants of me dealing with what I've desisted. It's a completely different kind of feeling than the word "woman." I'm still working on "I wish I were a man" thoughts, and societal expectations that come with the word.

Sorry for rambling. I'm sorry if you have a similar experience, but at the same time, I'm selfishly glad I wouldn't be alone in that scenario. I can't really offer a solution, only camaraderie.

I agree heavily with learning body positivity. A lot of people seem to think that getting cosmetic surgery (whether trans-related or not) will fix their self esteem issues. News flash: a vast majority of the time, IT WON'T.

I thought that losing weight was going to make me love myself automatically. It didn't. The self esteem issues were still there, the depression was still there, the negative thoughts, the self-disrespect, everything was still there. Cosmetic surgeries "fix" what's on the outside, but it doesn't fix what's on the inside. It takes work to improve both. And yeah, changing your appearance can really help. But it will not solve the mental strife.

Learning to love & respect yourself truly is the most important part of improving one's self. I used to roll my eyes when people said that kind of stuff, until I experienced how true it really is. And that's why it REALLY grinds my gears when people constantly push towards surgeries when the person clearly just needs help loving themselves.

Not to mention, addiction to cosmetic surgery is a very real and very scary phenomenon. When paired with untreated body dysmorphia, it can go past the point of no return. Your mind and body need to work in tandem.