My journey with gender has been complicated and, in the end, was something I never got to fully explore. I was born male, and from a young age, I never felt like I fit the typical idea of what a man should be. I was a sensitive kid and I often felt a deep discomfort with the expectations placed on me. I now believe a lot of my initial feelings were tied to a simple dislike of the rigid roles society has for men, rather than a need to actually be female.

I started to look into transition online. The communities I found were very welcoming and offered a clear, straightforward path to feeling better: you are a woman trapped in a man's body, and medical transition is the solution. At the time, that explanation felt like an answer to all my confusion and pain. It gave a name to my feeling of being an outsider. I began to socially transition, but my medical transition was very short-lived.

My transition was stopped not because I had a sudden realization that it was wrong for me, but because of my life circumstances. I had to move back in with a family member who was completely against any form of transition, and I ended up in a very small town where there was no access to gender-affirming care. I was forced to stop. I never got to take hormones for more than a short period, and I never got to grow my hair out or fully present as female to see how it felt. That lack of closure has been hard. I’m still growing my hair out now, partly just to finally see what that’s like for myself.

Being forced to stop made me think much more deeply about what was really going on with me. I started reading a lot of psychology, especially Carl Jung. His idea of the “Anima” really struck a chord with me. He describes it as the feminine part of the male psyche. I started to notice a pattern: my urges to transition would get really strong when I was completely burnt out, depressed, or anxious. It was during those low times that this more feminine side of me would surface, almost like it was asking for care.

I’ve come to see that instead of trying to become a woman, what I might have needed was to acknowledge and integrate that feminine side. Society tells men they can’t be soft, emotional, or nurturing—that those things are “girly.” But maybe my need wasn't to change my body, but to give myself permission to be a man who is also sensitive, who enjoys self-care like a hot shower, watching a comforting movie, or just being gentle with himself. Those things aren’t inherently female; they’re just human needs that I felt ashamed of having as a man.

I don't know if I regret transitioning because I feel like I never got to truly start it. My biggest regret is probably not questioning the first explanation I was given more deeply. I wish I had explored other reasons for my feelings—like my depression, my anxiety, and the pressure I felt to conform to a masculine ideal I never liked—before jumping to the conclusion that I was trans.

I don't think transition is wrong for everyone, but I do think my story shows why we need way more research and better, unbiased support for people questioning their gender. We need to be able to talk about all the reasons someone might feel this way—like trauma, mental health, or social pressure—without it being a political issue. People should be able to explore every avenue, including therapy that isn’t just about affirmation, to find what’s truly right for them.