I remember the moment of realization that it wasn’t “I had dysphoria!”, but actually “I created dysphoria through mental illness compounded with poor social influence”. I’m still sad I spent late high school and college in a cycle of paranoia and inferiority. I could’ve just.... Existed. And been proud to be who I was. No one would have felt differently except me. I would’ve been free and happy.

I can’t speak for you, but as a detrans woman I could’ve written this. I had very much the same experience. It took until my late teens/early 20s to finally figure out there’s no one way to be a woman, and that internet culture and my own mental illness and insecurity steeped into an identity that had nothing to do with who I really was.

Coming out again and going through the process is definitely daunting, but eventually I couldn’t stand to continue letting myself go and dreading the façade. I parted ways with my best friend, and that culminated in me deciding “you know what, I’m down my closest relationship right now anyway, time to get the truth out there and screw the people who also might leave. I’m gonna start living for me today”. And everything worked out.

Personally my answer would be ‘nothing’. He’s probably set in his beliefs. The only way you’re going to prove him wrong is by being true to yourself and just... Doing you. The odds of opening a very closed mind, especially one that already feels validated, are very low. You know what your personal truth is.

It really sucks to deal with that sort of thing, though, and I think you have every right to stick up for yourself. Personally I hate conflict though. My favorite method is to use discomfort against old timer types. If he says “I know you’ll grow out of this” I’d hit him with “Well tell that to the cashier guy I saw yesterday, WOOF!” Usually the old folks cringe away at that sort of thing and won’t bring it up again, because it bothers their sensibilities AND it’s a display of confidence.

“Thinking like a woman” is the most telling line to me. I had the same idea, until I realized it’s very narrow and socially imposed. A woman is whoever she wants to be. You can like sports, you can like girls, you can have a “masculine” energy. You can have a protective sense around other women, a lot of strength and energy. You can defy fashion or not care about it at all. You can not be closely identified with lesbian labels. I was all of these things and then some. I identified with male characters and felt different from other women. But I still ended up detransitioning.

It’s totally up to you whether you are or aren’t a woman though. Maybe testosterone isn’t for you, and you could try going off without a major ID shift just to see how it feels. Maybe experiment for a while. I will say though as a detrans woman I felt a lot of the same things as you. I got sick of the conscious effort to be male. I got sick of wearing clothes I didn’t like and using the men’s room. I felt alienated from women but that I didn’t really belong with the guys either. I hated T from day one and dreaded my shots, and had frequent off time with it before finally quitting it all together.

Detransition wasn’t an instant step for me though. I went off T and had a long in between phase where I experimented and pondered. I shut myself in a bit and cut ties with a lot of the world so I had the freedom to evaluate my thoughts outside of the opinions of others; and that’s really the key. You need to drop the thoughts of “what will THEY think” and work out “what do I want”. Distance from people, anonymous social media accounts, and a lot of redefining myself finally brought me to realize that I was female and ready to move forward as such, and I came out again. It was terrifying, but I felt so free afterward. The feeling of being authentic is truly worth it, whatever you decide.

Reframing like this really does help. I like to tell myself I could’ve been born like this, or had some other medical condition(s) that caused this or worse issues with my appearance, etc. Lots of people have issues with their looks that they can’t help. Or if it wasn’t the problems I currently have, I might feel the same way because of depression/anxiety. I know I did before transition.

You just have to play the hand you have, but things can truly surprise you. A year ago I didn’t think I’d ever pass after detransition, and if I saw a picture of me now, or knew that my wonderful partner was waiting just around the corner, I’d be amazed.

You don’t need to listen to anyone but yourself. Toss out the politics and just spend some time on your own considering your own feelings. You’re not hurting anyone, so just let yourself be however you need to be.

Consider how it makes you feel to present in either direction, and do what makes you happiest, forget anyone else. Down the line you can ask yourself the more challenging questions, such as “given transition is yet imperfect, would I still be happiest going through with it?” and “Are there any external factors affecting my ability to realistically contemplate what I’m doing” (your therapist can help) but at the end of the day, you shouldn’t feel bad about whatever choice you make. Getting away from all the vitriol of the internet is important sometimes, it’s your life, not anyone else’s.

I was on T for over a year, and I can tell you you’re not alone. After I realized what was happening I had a solid year+ where I just felt shitty and lost. I felt like I gave away my chance at doing and being so many things, and I could never reclaim the life I needed.

BUT once I had slogged through that phase, which was full of weird experimentation, depression, giving up, etc, things got so much better. It took me a while to figure out personal image and how to get back into the groove of passing female again. I really thought I never would, but eventually it became easy. I also got out and met new people who didn’t have preconceived notions about who I was, and they helped solidify in my mind that I’m female and it hasn’t been taken from me. I also jumped in and tackled dating, once some of the aforementioned new people ended up interested in me. Things went WAY better than I expected (and I was terrified) I’m now in a happy relationship and that only gave me more confidence. I still get sir’d occasionally, I still have days where I feel bad about my voice, I still have a beard to shave, but honestly things truly did turn around.

I also spent a lot of time slaving over gender as a concept, and then feeling repulsed at the mention of other people transitioning. I just wanted to scream at them not to do it. I was so upset and jealous that they had the opportunity to turn back and I didn’t. I hated seeing people celebrate with them while I was hurting. I ended up unfollowing anything gender related, muting related terms on twitter, and hiding people who talked about it a lot. That seems terrible and unsupportive, but I needed time to heal, and that’s okay. And it did eventually get better after I was able to distance my mind from having gender be a constant presence.

As far as body stuff goes, I had top surgery, and not much breast tissue grew back. What did grow in got a little larger when I went on birth control. I can fill out an A cup (barely). Boyfriend doesn’t seem to mind, and while I told him about the surgery, he’s never commented on or seemed perturbed by my scars (which lightened a lot) I also had significant genital growth on T. It shrunk a little, but I’m still larger than normal. I didn’t tell my boyfriend about that side effect specifically, and he’s totally unfamiliar with transition, and just thinks to this day that it’s how I was born. He has commented that it’s noticeable, but the context was in him thinking it was sexy, so take from that what you will. I have no clue if I’m fertile or not, but my menstrual cycle resumed, and I was given birth control, so sounds like medically the odds are fair.

All in all, I’d say just be patient with yourself. Seek out good people, and just try to remember that this is a lot to go through. The process didn’t start overnight nor does it end so, but I can tell you things get better. Most of the things I thought were a lost cause a year ago are now totally fine. It just takes time to grow and heal and discover yourself.

This was one of the most nerve wracking parts for me too! What I kept reminding myself was that it’s nobody’s business why I’m in the women’s section. Maybe I’m buying a gift for someone, maybe I like the fit, I’m not hurting anyone! And also bear in mind that generally people care waaay less about what you’re doing than you think.

I started out making super fast trips to pick up a couple things. I dashed in and grabbed a pair of jeggings, since they were stretchy and easy to guess my size. I then wore those and did some makeup for my next trips, which made it a lot easier. I still felt self conscious as HELL, but I just kept reminding myself it’s no big deal and I’m not hurting anyone. Then I started buying more girly shirts, then eventually underwear, bras, etc. After a while it feels more alien to be in the men’s dept than womens.

As for bra sizing, you can likely get away without trying one on. If you’re post op you’re going to be an A cup now, and your band size will be the same number as always, unless you gain or lost weight. All that number is anyway is the measurement around your ribcage in inches. If you go by that you should be able to grab the right size without trying on. There’s also many that just come in S, M, L, XL. You’d probably be a medium, but check the charts on the packaging to see.

I also found that thrifting was easier at first. Thrift stores tend to be less organized and have more colorful characters in them, and people keep to themselves. Mine also have unmanned fitting rooms which ease anxiety a lot.

It varies by situation. As the other commenter said, things irl are usually way less vitriolic than online. Usually I don’t bother disclosing my status to people, but should they find out usually cis people and older people have little to no comment. At worst they will laugh at you. Sometimes they will even give you accolades for “giving up that weird shit”. In that regard being trans can be worse, as there is a great deal of older folk that like to make it known they don’t much appreciate it, while being comfortable with detrans people.

Trans/ally spaces can get a little tougher. Some see you as an affront just by virtue of existing, or will accuse you of being a danger to the movement. Some associate all detrans people with radical feminism, and as long as you assure them that’s not your bag are okay with it. There are plenty of more laid back trans folk and allies though that are kind about it. You might get friction if you try to speak for/on behalf of trans people or the trans experience, though.

I just tend to avoid anyone who is overly political and dramatic. It’s good for your health in general. Lol.

On T I got a pretty thick happy trail, my arm and leg hair darkened, I started growing a beard, my eyebrows thickened a lot, and all my body hair got much more coarse.

My happy trail still grows more dense amounts of hair, but it lightened back to fine blonde hair, same for my arms and legs. I still grow a beard, but the hair is less coarse, but still dark and noticeable. My eyebrows stayed thick, which is fine by me, since thicker eyebrows are in style.

Basically, everything went back to fine blonde hair except anything on the face or neck. I have to keep up on beard shaving, and I shave my happy trail just because while it turned blonde, it’s still thicker than it was before.

Edit: I’d say full lightening took around a year for me