My journey with transition started from a place of deep discomfort, but looking back, I don't think I ever understood what that discomfort was really about. I was born female and I never felt like I fit in with the expectations placed on girls. I hated my breasts when they developed; they felt foreign and wrong on my body, like they didn't belong to me. This was more than just puberty discomfort; it felt like a profound mismatch. I now see this was tangled up with a lot of internalized misogyny. I didn't want to be seen as a woman because I associated it with weakness and with performing a type of femininity that felt completely unnatural to me.

I started identifying as non-binary in my late teens. It felt like an escape from that pressure. Around that time, I was also deeply influenced by what I saw online and by friends who were exploring similar identities. It felt like a community and an answer. That identity eventually shifted to identifying as a trans man. I started testosterone in my early twenties. The T did make me feel better initially; it gave me a lot of energy and helped with a persistent fatigue I had, which I now think was linked to depression and low self-esteem. I think I mistook that surge of energy for my body finally feeling "right."

I got top surgery a few years after starting hormones. I was so sure it was what I needed to finally be happy. I want to be very clear about this: surgery is a major procedure, and the risks are real. I feel like the potential for serious health complications is often downplayed. You have to really ask yourself if the risk of chronic future problems is worth the potential mental peace. Thankfully, my recovery was okay, but I know that's not everyone's story.

After surgery, things didn't get better like I thought they would. The feeling of something being "wrong" didn't go away; it just shifted. I started to realize that my issues weren't really about my gender. They were rooted in other things: anxiety, depression, and a deep-seated dislike of myself that I had been trying to fix from the outside in. I began to understand that I had used transition as a form of escapism. I was trying to escape the discomfort of puberty, the pressures of being a woman, and my own poor self-image.

I stopped testosterone and began to detransition. It was a confusing time. I had to face the fact that I am now infertile, which is a permanent consequence I live with. Through a lot of introspection and therapy—which was non-affirming in the sense that it helped me question my motivations rather than just affirm them—I started to untangle everything. I realized my attraction to women was part of this; I'm homosexual, and I think internalized homophobia played a role in my desire to transition. It felt easier to be a straight man than a gay woman.

I don't regret my transition because it brought me to this point of understanding. I had to go through it to learn who I really am. But I do have regrets about the permanent changes, especially losing my fertility. My thoughts on gender now are that it's incredibly complex and deeply personal. For me, it wasn't the solution. The solution was learning to find peace with the body I was born in, not to love every part of it, but to accept it as mine. I had to let go of the pressure to perform any kind of gender at all.

I also saw how influenced people can be by trends and others, like an old friend who transitioned after a career in porn, which seemed more like a practical choice than an identity one. Or my sister's boyfriend announcing his specific attraction, which just made me think about how weird and external these pressures can be. It all confirmed for me that my path needed to be inward.

Here is a timeline of my journey: