Why should I care about a group of people who only want the worst for me? Why should I bend over backwards to support a community that hates us? Early in my detransition I tried to be “one of the good ones” and all I ever got in return was trans people telling me to shut up, that my dysphoria wasn’t “real,” that I hurt the trans community just by existing and that I should kill myself. I’m not going to stop talking about my experiences just because it makes trans people uncomfortable that someone like me (a supposed “textbook case” of childhood onset dysphoria) can end up deciding to detransition.

Being treated like shit by the trans community was the catalyst for coming to believe that gender ideology is altogether bullshit. I clung to it when I was in severe distress and desperate for relief, but now I’m at a point in my life where I have the support and self-awareness to admit that it was all a fucking lie. It was a lie I believed because I was in pain and wanted to feel better. Dysphoria is a mental illness. Treating it with hormones and surgery doesn’t make any more sense than offering an anorexic person as much liposuction as they want. The whole industry is predatory.

I personally didn’t dwell much on the question of what makes someone a “real” man or woman, and I never believed that taking testosterone would literally make me male. I was highly invested in the “body map” theory—basically, I believed that my sex dysphoria was the result of an innate mismatch between the body parts I had and the body parts my brain “expected” to have. I believed that my transition was solely about being comfortable in my body and the social aspect wasn’t a factor in my decision to take testosterone. Being seen as a man socially was a byproduct of my transition but not the main goal of it, if that makes sense. Looking back it seems stupid as fuck, but I was desperate for an explanation and solution to my distress, so I clung to whatever seemed logical to me at the time.

Even though you “chose” it, you’re allowed to be upset and angry. You were failed by medical professionals who should have been helping you. It’s not your fault, especially because you were just a kid. Your pain isn’t less legitimate than the pain of a woman in the same situation just because it wasn’t a natural development.

Unfortunately I don’t know anything about healthcare in central Europe, so I don’t have any real advice for you. Just wanted to say I wish you the best and I really hope you’re able to find some relief soon. You didn’t deserve this.

You’re not stupid. You were in pain, and you were led to believe that there was only one solution. I wasn’t a minor when I transitioned, but my mindset was similar. It felt like the only way forward. The way I had been living simply wasn’t sustainable. I wanted to die, and it reached a point where it seemed like that was my only other option. What kind of choice is that? If you’re in distress and don’t know how to cope, and medical professionals are telling you that there’s one and only one way to get relief, it’s understandable that you would take that path.

Your anger makes sense. You went through all of this effort in an attempt to improve your life, and now you feel like Sisyphus at the bottom of the mountain. Who wouldn’t be angry? I struggled with this a lot, and to an extent still do. It’s part of the grieving process. It can be really hard not to wallow in all those negative emotions, especially considering the fact that detrans people are vilified and misunderstood from all sides. Personally, having a physical outlet has helped me a lot during my detransition. Exercise allows me to feel connected to my body and helps me appreciate my body for what it can do. Are there any sports or physical hobbies you’ve been interested in trying? Now could be a good time to pick something up. I started kickboxing classes. Totally recommend, it’s a lot of fun.

You can recover from this and live a full and happy life. You can forgive yourself. You’re strong and resilient, and you can use your perspective to help girls and women who struggle with the same issues.

Hang in there. I’m rooting for you.

I used to feel similarly. In the past I felt it was my obligation to be diplomatic and try to bridge the gap between trans and detrans communities, especially because I do have “real” gender dysphoria and my reasons for regretting my transition actually have nothing to do with my appearance. But my feelings have changed, and at this point I honestly hate the trans community more and more every day. They’re never going to have empathy for us, they’re never going to leave us the fuck alone so we can heal in peace. We can’t coexist peacefully because they’re never going to let that happen. I learned that the hard way.

Maybe it’s because I’m not a teenager, but this wasn’t my experience with FTM spaces at all. Most of the FTMs I knew were bearded and muscular, and wanted to fit in as average guys. I was aware of the “fujoshi” types, but found them annoying and avoided them as much as possible.

The short version: health anxiety, testosterone didn’t help as much as I hoped it would, and I miss my connection to other women, particularly other butch lesbians. When I transitioned I bought into the narrative that it was the only way to treat dysphoria, but I no longer believe that’s true. I still have dysphoria but I’m not allowing it to rule my life anymore.

I would strongly recommend giving voice training a shot before considering surgery. The idea that voice training means “faking it” for the rest of your life is actually a misconception; once you’ve been doing it for long enough the trained voice becomes automatic. It’s all about muscle memory.

Surgery is risky, invasive, expensive, and permanent. Once your vocal cords are surgically altered, there really is no going back, and if you have complications or a bad result you’re going to be stuck with that for life. Voice training is risk-free if you do it properly (practice good vocal hygiene and don’t strain your voice) and effective. It can be a huge pain in the ass at first and it might take you a while to get the hang of it, but it really is worth it.

I can relate somewhat, especially to your health-related concerns. The main thing that drove me to finally quit taking T after seven years was the knowledge that I would eventually have to get a hysterectomy if I kept taking it due to its effects on the female reproductive system. A hysto comes with a lot of health risks, short and long term, and I decided I just couldn’t put myself through that.

Lately I’ve been trying to reframe my thoughts concerning my decision to stop T. For example, as much as I’m dreading the return of my period, I’m trying to think of it as a sign that my body is functioning properly and hopefully repairing some of the damage I did to my organs.

Another example: I gained a shitton of muscle on testosterone, which is something I’ve really enjoyed and I know it’s going to be hard to watch my physique change. But I always kind of felt like it was “borrowed” strength because I didn’t gain it naturally. From now on, the muscle I build will truly be mine and I think that will become a source of comfort and pride for me in time.

I don’t know which changes you’re struggling with specifically, but maybe it could be helpful to apply a similar mindset. You’re doing your body a favor.

I really feel for you and I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I consider myself radfem-adjacent; even when I IDed as trans I held many beliefs that would be considered “gender critical” (mainly, that sex-based oppression is real and that trans men still face misogyny no matter how well they pass).

That said, I’m not comfortable associating too closely with them because far too many of them engage in behavior I find reprehensible. It seems like for every radfem who actually cares about helping and uplifting women, there are a dozen who just want to lash out and take out their trauma on people who haven’t actually done anything to them. Mocking trans people isn’t activism. Blindly hating men isn’t activism.

I’ve seen radfems refer to male homosexuality as “the height of male sexual depravity.” I know that’s just one comment but it really stuck with me. I consider gay and GNC men some of my closest allies against society’s bullshit and it’s a huge pet peeve of mine when women throw them under the bus in the name of feminism, which is disappointingly common in radfem circles.

And that’s on top of the fact that many radfems treat detransitoned women like shit too, referring to us as mutilated traitors to lesbianism and all of that bs. Instead of demonstrating even a speck of compassion, they’ll say shit like “they deserve to experience complications from their surgeries to teach them a lesson.” It’s hypocritical and counterproductive.

And if you push back against any of their beliefs or actions, no matter how gently, you’re immediately shut down and called braindead or a handmaiden or a “pick me.”

Maybe I’ve just had bad luck, maybe I’m being uncharitable. But I can’t in good conscience align myself in any meaningful way with a movement that allows those issues to go completely unchecked.