My whole journey with transition started from a really dark place, and it’s taken me a long time to untangle everything. I think a lot of it goes back to the trauma I experienced in high school. I was sexually harassed and assaulted by my peers for being feminine. It was a horrible time. One guy in particular blackmailed me into a pseudo-relationship. He would force me to go to his place and make me have sex with him, threatening to tell everyone at school if I didn't comply. I felt so powerless and just let him do whatever he wanted, thinking it would make the bullying stop. That experience really messed me up.

I’m not entirely sure what made me start identifying as trans, but that trauma was definitely there in the background. I started taking hormones really young because I was DIYing them and my parents had the money to help me get what I wanted. I think I was trying to escape. I felt like if I could become a woman, then the harassment I got for being a feminine boy would make sense, or maybe it would even stop. I was forcing a female gender role on myself, partly because of the abuse. That abuser’s voice was always in my head, telling me I’d never be a real man, and I think I started to believe him.

Being on hormones and living as a woman was tough. I got to a point where I pass as female almost all the time now. But it started to feel wrong. A big moment for me was when I had a near-death scare. It made me step back and really think about what I was doing to my body. I realized I was suppressing my natural endocrine system and planning to cut up healthy parts of my body, all to chase an idea of a body I don’t think I’ll ever truly have. The idea that I need surgery and hormones to change anything substantial is scary. It felt maddening.

I was even on a list to get vaginoplasty, and the anxiety about telling my doctor I’d changed my mind was overwhelming. I felt like I’d fucked up big time. I don’t even pass as male anymore, and everyone assumes I’m female. For a while, I felt completely defeated. I thought my life would be easier if I just continued to live as a woman, since my male puberty is probably never going to happen properly now. I felt like my manhood was stolen from me through manipulation, and it’s a really sad feeling. I worried that I’d never find a boyfriend because of all this.

But things have gotten better, especially recently. I have a boyfriend now who is just wonderful. He’s bisexual and has told me he’s completely comfortable with me detransitioning. He lets me live with him rent-free and has helped me work through so much of my trauma. A huge milestone for me was when I was finally able to relax and be sexual with him. I never thought I’d be comfortable with sex again after what happened to me, but he was so considerate of my consent that I could finally let my guard down. It was a really happy and freeing experience.

As for my thoughts on gender now, it’s complicated. I do really want to be a guy, but not in a traditional sense. I think I have to accept that my body is permanently changed, and I need to find a way to be okay with that. I have a lot of regrets about transitioning, especially starting so young and for the wrong reasons. I don’t think I was thinking clearly because of the trauma and the pressure I was under. I’m trying to focus on healing now, with the support of my boyfriend, and just accepting myself for who I am.

Here is a timeline of the main events: