This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, this account appears to be authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or a bad-faith actor.
The user's comments display:
- Personal, nuanced, and evolving perspectives on gender, dysphoria, and detransition.
- Internal consistency in their stated position as a desister who did not medically transition.
- Appropriate emotional depth and passion, including frustration with both trans and detrans communities, which aligns with the real experiences of desisters.
- Self-reflection on their own biases and the personal reasons for their choices (e.g., living in a transphobic country).
The account exhibits the complex and thoughtful patterns of a genuine person navigating this difficult topic.
About me
I started questioning my gender at 14 when puberty began and I felt a deep discomfort with my developing female body. For years, I identified as a trans man and considered medical transition, but I was always scared of the permanent changes. I realized a lot of my dysphoria was tied to internalized misogyny and the impossible standards placed on women, not a true hatred of my body. After a lot of therapy and self-reflection, I chose to desist and accept my physical reality. I’m now learning to find peace with myself, separate from anyone else’s expectations.
My detransition story
My journey with gender started when I was around 14. I was a tomboy as a kid and never really thought much about my gender until I hit puberty. That's when I saw boys my age changing and I started to feel a deep discomfort. I tried to deepen my voice and wished I could look more like them. Seeing my own body develop felt wrong; I hated the idea of having breasts and having a small frame. It was painful.
I found a lot of my close friends in the queer community, and being trans and bisexual became a big bonding theme for us. I started to identify as a trans guy for about four years. I was deeply involved in online trans spaces and spent a lot of time thinking about transition. I had a lot of bottom dysphoria and for a long time, I thought medical transition was the only answer. I looked into hormones and top surgery, but I was always scared of the permanence, especially bottom surgery. The idea of removing a healthy organ and being dependent on drugs for life, with all the possible complications, seemed like a barbarian trade-off to me, even though I really wanted the anatomy.
A huge part of my questioning was tied to my sexuality and a struggle with porn. I used porn as an escape, a way to imagine having the body I wanted. It felt affirming in the moment, but it wasn't a healthy depiction of sex or reality. I think a lot of my feelings were wrapped up in this, and it became an addictive cycle of chasing a feeling.
I also started to realize how much external pressure played a role. I saw how women are expected to be perfect, to be empathetic, to take care of the home, but also to be as strong as a man to be considered equal. It felt like an impossible standard. I wondered if my dysphoria was actually a form of internalized misogyny—a feeling that I had failed at being a girl, so becoming a guy seemed like the only way out. I felt different from other girls and cried about not feeling like a "real girl."
What really started to change for me was seeing patterns in detransition stories. I noticed a common theme where people said they thought transitioning would solve all their problems, but it was just an escape mechanism for other mental health issues. I saw people talk about chasing milestone after milestone, getting a short-lived euphoria, and then their dysphoria would just shift to another body part. I began to understand that for me, starting to socially affirm my gender actually made me more dysphoric and disconnected from my body. Instead of bringing me closer to myself, it made me hyper-focused on everything I hated and wanted to change.
Reading the book The Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck was a turning point. It made me see that ignoring my deeper problems was just causing more mental illness. I had to face reality. I started seeing a non-gender therapist, which helped me immensely. I learned to separate my internal sense of self from how others perceived me. I decided that I didn't want my worth or my identity to be determined by whether strangers saw me as a man or a woman.
Meeting my girlfriend was another huge moment. She accepted me completely for who I was, my past and all. With her, I discovered a femininity in myself that I never knew I had or could embrace. It taught me about my own worth as a person, first and foremost.
In the end, I made the difficult decision to desist. A major reason was practical: I live in a very transphobic third-world country, and it simply wasn't safe for me to transition. But more than that, I realized I never truly hated my body; I hated the expectations placed on it. I was tired of leading a double life and being so split inside. I chose to accept my physical reality and find peace with it.
I don't regret exploring my gender. It was a necessary part of my journey to self-understanding. But I do have strong feelings about how transition is presented, especially to young people. I think it's glamorized as a cure-all, and I don't believe medical steps should be a no-brainer. It's a huge decision with permanent consequences, and I worry that not enough therapy and exploration happens beforehand. I don't think kids or teens should take puberty blockers or cross-sex hormones because the brain is still developing until 25, and these chemicals significantly impact that development.
Now, I see my body as my own story to write, not a story dictated by other people's expectations. My worth isn't dictated by anyone else.
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| 14 | Started feeling discomfort with female puberty, began questioning my gender. |
| 14-18 | Identified as a trans male (FTM) for four years. Explored social transition and online trans communities. |
| 18 | Began deeply researching detransition experiences and critically questioning my own path. |
| 18 | Decided to desist from transitioning, prioritizing safety and internal peace over medical intervention. |
Top Comments by /u/r0aming:
Thank you for your eloquent and clear response. I completely agree with you.
To answer your question, "Why would being your gender make a good life?" I'd have to say that I could have worded the paragraph you're referencing better. Over the past year, I've been digging through detrans videos/sites/blogs and I've found a phrase that a lot of detrans people said which was, "I thought transitioning was going to solve all my problems". Many have expressed living with other mental issues alongside experiencing dysphoria and that taking steps to transition was essentially an escape mechanism for the former.
Another common theme I've seen is that the euphoria spikes they would get from occasional gender affirmation were often described as addictive or that they felt like they were chasing milestone after milestone, but realizing that the euphoria was short-lived and after a period of time saying that their dysphoria would shift to another area they previously weren't as concerned about before. I'm not saying if someone is experiencing shifting dysphoria isn't trans, I'm just saying what I've heard from experience since I personally haven't taken any medical measures to transition, but noticed these reoccurring patterns among detrans people. I wouldn't wish for anyone to go that lane and do irreversible changes to themselves and later changing their mind.
I think that medical transition shouldn't feel like the only option to help with gender discomfort and I don't like the fact that it's glamorized as the cure for such rather than a possible treatment.
I am coming across the same thing with questioning my gender with my close queer friends. Being trans and bi was a bonding theme for us and I don't know how they'd react if I told them I'm considering desisting. It is kind of like coming out all over again. What I would do is that I'd try to be gentle with introducing your new identity to your sister. I try to remind her of the times we had fun, memories that we hold dear. I try to do this all the time to show people that we still have a history that bonds us tight. I try to come up with new bonding themes but also tell her that you're still the same person. I always try to share my opinion on the toxic and unreasonable sides of the trans/queer community, but I always try to show people I always have the best in mind.
Also,
I've read a book from Scott Peck (The Road Less Traveled) and it opened my eyes as to how ignoring problems just causes mental illness.
If one thing is certain, coming to terms with transness is part of coming to terms with how you're going to live and in what ways you'd be limited by your biology. Transitioning is never something to be taken lightly and reality should always be our anchor.
Reasonable circumstances... I'd say there is too many parameters... you'd want to be comfortable, have a social network you can rely on with your LIFE. Financially stable so either an employer that you know will 100% be ok with this, or just saving up enough and pausing your life for +-2 years for transition (really depends on the country you live in, sometimes more than 2y). Be sure you will have someone to take care of you post op.
I think you'll have more insight just reading through r/detrans as is. I can't recommend this podcast enough, hosted by two adolescent therapists that work with dysphoric teens. It's called 'Gender: A Wider Lens'. The two women know what they are talking about and are very gentle with these topics. Helped me recognize a lot of red flags and patterns in my own behavior.
I desisted because of the transphobic environment I live in. Life happened. With that out of the way, let me answer your question. I never hated my body. I never felt like it wasn't mine, or the wrong body. As a little kid yeah I had a few signs but naw I was fine. A little tomboyish troll that might have liked tricking others about my gender. Wasn't dysphoric or anything. As I was approaching teen years I saw guys growing taller and getting deeper voices and I tried to deepen my voice and just get along with it but when the boys were starting to look distinctly different than me was when it started being painful. Maybe that was when it hit me, (with whatever vision I had of myself as an adult) that I would not come near as male as men are. Somewhere deep down I had some sort of sense that this was how things should have went?? Somewhere deep down I felt and immense sense of comfort when I can see an actual boy in the mirror. It hurt seeing my small frame, even though I was at a decent height and very flat chested as I was. This one is rather private but, >!I could seldom imagine having sex with my vagina and it was mostly about me having a dick/strapon. It continues to this day. I feel like it has less to do with being a top, I just wanted a dick lol!< With all of this I still want to say that finding comfort and acceptance in my own body firstly and then deciding that I would not let other people's perception of me determine how I feel about my gender/how valid I am/how much of a man or woman I am. That's when I stopped caring. I have my internal sense of self but I decided I didn't want to depend on passing aka hopes and prayers and the mercy of practical nobodys in my life to determine my relationship with myself and my safety. I accept my physical reality and live in peace with it because I was tired of being a split person, leading a double/tripple life with people that knew me as one and others as another. Not saying this was an easy process or that I dealt with this in a 100% healthy way. I did what I had to survive, and I hope you do too, stranger (whichever road you may embark on).
Hmm. I like being precise and straight to the point in my speech and I wish the point of the post was so concise and clear as you've interpreted it.
I'd like to clarify that I am not saying people shouldn't transition, that it isn't good for them, just merely sharing some insight.
I'm curious when you said
I felt so different from other girls and I would often cry alot about not feeling like a real girl.
Did it feel like you weren't woman enough, as in you failed at girlhood so perhaps only being a guy seemed achievable? If that's the case, I can very much relate.
The thought that, no, 'you didn't fail society as a woman, we failed you, we imposed many rules and told you how to behave and dress in order to be valid' comes to my mind. It's a sad story where I bet you tried all you could to save yourself from that.
It is true that we all have feminine and masculine energy and denying those parts is denying ourselves as a person... to learn about ourselves, to grow, to explore and move onto more exciting things...
Funny enough I never knew how feminine I could be until I met my gf, someone who accepted and appreciated me as I am and for my past. It had taught me so much about myself and my worth as, before being a woman/man, a person.
I wonder if I was shown the same acceptance from others earlier, would I feel so dysphoric? Being the non-conforming kid I was.
I truly wish you luck on whichever road you choose to take and it's totally valid to take as much time you need!!
(Also I really suggest this podcast by two lovely therapists that work with gender-questioning youth, it has really helped me in exploring my feelings and on looking back on when I was younger.)
I've also had a trans identity for 4 years and, even though I'm still not sure if I am trans or not, I do not want to transition... It's just sad how capitalist society (nothing against capitalism as is) controls our self perceptions. Every women's higyene or cosmetic product is made to make us feel like there's always something in us that's missing. I'd have countless beautiful girlfriends say "let me just turn myself human real quick" when we're preparing to go out. And I'd look at them and notice no change.
As a woman you're expected to look perfect, be empathetic, polite, take care of the house and children, oh but also! You need to be all a man is and more to be anywhere close to being ranked as a man. You really do need to prove yourself more.
It's sad how we're all just chasing these ideals all the time, never stopping to look at our bodies as they are. They are all different. We are all so different, not just physically but on the molecular level as well. Aside from me being a biology nerd, they seem to me like a story plot that was set up and started. And now it's on me to continue writing it. Instead of letting others expectations dictate our story, we need our own expectations and actions to write them.
I'm so tired of being seen as less than, when I am nowhere near that. My worth and your worth aren't dictated by other people. It's sad what we were socialized to believe in.
Im glad you're doing better and you've come to terms with your identity 💙
Not gonna go ahead and say "try it" or "don't do it". I don't feel like it's my place or job to say it. I or anyone else can't ever know your situation better than you do yourself!
I come from a 3rd world country where there is so much ignorance and homo/transphobia. I had to give up my identity for safety. I'm not saying you need to live in such an environment to transition or not, just showing my reason for giving up. It's tricky but your feelings are no less valid!!!
I support you thinking critically of this all and not only asking yourself "am I trans" but most importantly, "is transition what I need and is it worth it for me?" I can highly empathize with you.
If you have the personal feeling of "even when I do all these changes I still internally feel like it wouldn't actually make me a woman and that sucks" then that can be a red flag. But, at least from my experience, trying to convince myself "you're actually going to be this gender" didn't work and I think it actually made me want to transition even more because it made me think about the changes that I wanted and realize that I cared more about that than the validity of my gender.
From personal experience, starting to affirm my gender made me even more dysphoric and disconnected from my body. We'd think the process of transition would bring us closer to our bodies but actually it makes you focus on your pain and what you don't like about your body and how to change it rather than accepting it. Not saying everyone ends up in a miserable place after this!! But it's a common occurrence.
Lastly I just want to recommend a podcast that has been helping me with analyzing my dysphoria and that's this podcast by two lovely therapists that deal with dysphoric teens https://open.spotify.com/show/1vAnk7bth6WuDDrW48Atce
I sincerely wish you the best whichever path you may chose for yourself <3
Agreed. There is so much bs going on in the trans community and it's truly hard to talk to someone who will give you good advice that doesn't feel like it takes another round of self-deception and blind reassuring that you are or aren't in fact trans. Telling someone they're valid kinda does nothing imo lol. Validity completely lost all meaning in the trans community. Wishing you all the best in your transition! <3
It's terrible that you had to experience that! Nobody should tell you what to do or who to be and having lived/presented as the opposite gender it made me more insecure and obsessive about my looks, appearance and behavior and definitely more depressed compared to when I was closeted.
Now, there is something that I'd like to clarify. As I've had a dicussion about transgender treatments with a fellow redditor on this post, I am not claiming there are other proven treatments for trans people, but simply that medical transition shouldn't be a no-brainer, it shouldn't be the solution for everyone that says they suffer from dysphoria. Currently, medical transition is the most widely and practically accepted treatment and other treatments that were tested did not end up being effective. However, visiting a non-gender therapist is the only solution I've come across that helped me and some others I know with dealing with these issues. Good luck!