Hi, I am so sorry you are going through this. This is a very unique situation that we are in and it is so hard. I am here in it with you.

I’ll chime in with what’s been helping me. One, I recently stopped referring to it as a top surgery. I don’t know why, exactly, but it was something I no longer wanted to associate with. It just felt too painful. I started calling it my mastectomy. And that word felt capable of holding all of the grief I was feeling. Second, I was reminded of this quote - “Grief is love that has nowhere to go.” When I feel upset over the loss of my breasts, I know my body is wishing I could reach out and touch them and show them love. I try my hardest to find another way to give myself love in that moment. Can I take a bath and tuck myself into bed for a really good night of sleep? Can I take a few seconds to remember that my life is not over, I am strong as fuck for getting through this hellacious journey, and that I have yet to live some of my happiest days? Third, I try to remember that, throughout my life, I was never taught to love my body or that it could be a safe place to feel grounded. I certainly wasn’t ever taught that it could be a source of pleasure, or that my relationship to it would change as I got older. I was a young woman who wasn’t given the tools I needed and was trying my best to help myself. I will use this experience to teach whatever children come next in my family that their body is a safe and good place to be, and that they were created in perfection just as they were. Thinking about that brings me peace because, one day, I am going to take this pain and turn it into something beautiful. For now it is still just pain though.

Everything that I was linking to my gender dysphoria was actually the manifestation of other issues. I can only see this in hindsight.
Not feeling like I was a woman - caused by extreme body dissociation from depression and toxic ideas from gender ideology, especially in the lesbian community I was a part of.
Feeling discomfort with my breasts - sensory processing issues (which is why I liked to bind, I realize now I just felt more put together and snug with a binder on) and a very poor education on puberty and how to connect to my body.
Liking men's clothing over women's - again, sensory differences and just the fact that that was my preferred way of presenting myself, which didn't make me trans.
Feeling like this was the cure that I was seeking, the answer to my issues - it went so, so, so much deeper than that (untreated body and eating issues from childhood and adolescence, childhood trauma from emotionally unavailable parents, very early exposure to pornographic material).
There are journal entries from about a year before I started my transition that clearly say, "I would never want to transition, because I'll never be male. I would only want to be male if I could wake up in that body tomorrow."
But, as time went on and these underlying issues came closer to the surface with no true way of being expressed, my dysphoria worsened and my cries for help became more dramatic.
If you have any doubt at all, trust your intuition and do not make any medical steps. I wish I could have told myself the following: disconnect from all social media (especially that around transitioning), seek out specialized therapists and professionals who are experts on depression, anxiety, and sensory processing, and begin meeting your basic physical needs with upmost importance (sunshine, healthy food, water, no alcohol, no drugs, and real, grounded, in-person human connection). And just start asking for help from those around you (from people who are not trans-identified).
Transitioning is not a magic cure to real pain and suffering that might be lying right under the surface of your emotions and mental wellbeing. Even if it takes YEARS, start peeling the layers back slowly but surely. You will never regret the time you spend exploring this more deeply, and it can potentially save you from a completely different type of regret if you wake up one day and realized your hormonally and surgically altered body was never wrong to begin with.

I was diagnosed with ADHD literally yesterday after seeing a new psychiatrist to help myself get through this grueling detransition process. It makes a ton of sense. Hyperfixation is huge for me. If I look back at my journals from when I was considering transition, I wrote that it was all that I could think about. I would research if all the time (but only in the pro-transition direction, I never contemplated researching detransition). It makes me sad that I never got this diagnosis earlier.

Hey! This is a huge realization. I’m 25, was on T for just over 4 years. I’m 7 weeks off as of today. My inbox is open if you would like to talk.

I do not say any of this to scare you about what’s to come, but this is about to be a bumpy journey. Just like getting on T, expect changes in emotion, mood, sleep, and appetite right now. As much as you can, just let your body process without judgement. Hormones play a huge role in the regulation of our nervous system. Your body is going to be screaming, “what did you just do to me!”, for a while. I recommend writing or keeping track of things in some way - not just for reflection in the present, but so you can see how much you grow and change from this journey in the years to come.

The state of mind you mention is not one with which you can make these decisions. The immediate need here is to address your mental state - better medication, holistic health, and a deep dive on these things. You may need to see another therapist or gender specialist if your current one is not helping you.

Everyone has masculine and feminine energy within them. I recommend trying a guided meditation to connect with your feminine energy. You can cultivate that energy within yourself & connect with it, without making permanent changes to your physical body. There is beauty and perfection in the body you have now - it is time to do the mental work to find out why that is hard to recognize.

I feel the pain in your words. I'm so sorry you are going through this. As hard as it is, please know you are not alone in this journey. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through, and I am right here with you in this pit.

I have been thinking about this same concept recently. When I was journaling regularly while considering transitioning, I remember having a feeling of pride that I was finally listening to myself, finally seeing myself for the first time ever. I see the idea that trans people have a deep knowing of self spread all over the place, and, at the time, it made me feel like acknowledging my discomfort was me seeing my true identity (turns out I was just giving my real pain the wrong name).

I completely understand why you would have trouble trusting yourself right now. Your body has endured a lot over the last four years. If you are off hormones now, the journey of returning to hormonal homeostasis is hard enough without the added layer of mental anguish that comes with this process.

If I may share a few pieces of unsolicited advice, I recommend removing yourself from social media (as much as you can) for awhile. Or, at least, block key words or accounts that might bring the topic up. The political and social debates on these issues are everywhere, and I simply can't keep up while also protecting my mental state. About not trusting yourself... that is going to take time to regain. Please remember that your decisions were affirmed by medical professionals, and it wasn't all your own doing. We all truly believed that we were making the right decision at the time, otherwise we wouldn't have gone through the process. Right now, two and a half months into my detransition, my biggest focuses are cultivating a sense of safety within my body and processing my emotions through drawing, journaling, and my faith/spirituality. I'm exploring yoga, breathing exercises, and meditation to help myself feel safe and grounded. I have a spiritual practice that includes praying for self-forgiveness. When I think about the future, I imagine myself looking back on the period that I'm in right now, thinking, "Wow, that was hard. But I made it through. And I'm living a beautiful life that has exceeded my wildest dreams, and some of these beautiful elements only came about as a result of my detransition. I would not change one detail of my life." Just cultivating that feeling within and imagining myself being able to say that and believe it one day brings me great peace.

Now I'm rambling, talking to you and also to myself. If you would ever like to chat, please message me. Day by day, we will get through this.