This story is from the comments by /u/radiantiaqua that are listed below, summarised with AI.
User Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, the account appears authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or a bad-faith actor.
The user's history shows a long-term, nuanced, and internally consistent struggle with gender identity, dysphoria, and detransition-related themes. The writing style is personal, self-critical, and evolves over three years, reflecting genuine introspection. They explicitly state they are not a detransitioner but a desister who has quit HRT, which aligns with the complex and varied experiences common in the community. The passion and confusion expressed are consistent with someone who has been personally harmed by these issues.
About me
I started out deeply uncomfortable being male, especially after being bullied by other boys and finding comfort with girls. I became addicted to the idea of being a woman, which felt like a safe and special escape, heavily influenced by anime and online culture. I went on and off hormones, but I realized I never actually wanted to be a woman and that surgeries felt wrong. My journey was really about my mental health and a desperate search for acceptance, not a true issue with my body. Now I’ve stopped all that, I know I’ll never be a woman, and I’m just focusing on being myself without any labels.
My detransition story
My whole journey with gender has been confusing, and I'm still figuring it out. It started a long time ago with a deep discomfort with being male. I grew up in a rough neighborhood and was bullied by the boys there. The girls, on the other hand, were always nice to me. I became addicted to the idea of being "one of the girls." It felt like a safe space, a comfort zone. In my head, I developed this distorted belief that men were disgusting, horny, and constantly showing off, while women were more worthy, beautiful, and respectful. I know this is a delusional and sexist view, but it’s a bias I’ve struggled to shake.
A lot of my feelings were influenced by escapism, especially through anime and online culture. I used to joke that cute anime girls made me trans. I saw these idealized, attractive female characters and wanted to be like them. I couldn't even think of a "male version" of something like a "hot goth chick"; the female archetypes just seemed more special and expressive to me. It felt like a contagion, an idea that spread and stuck with me.
I started identifying as non-binary and then later as a trans woman. I never fully medically transitioned, but I went on and off hormones a few times. I considered HRT more as an anti-aging procedure to stop what I felt was "poisoning by testosterone" rather than a path to becoming a woman. I realized I never actually wanted to be a woman. Looking at transition timelines, I saw that a 100% stealth, passing appearance wasn't even attractive to me for myself. The idea of getting surgeries like SRS or changing my ID felt wrong and unnecessary. What I really wanted was to be an androgynous person that my artsy, open-minded girl-friends would feel comfortable with.
A huge part of this was linked to my mental health. I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and I've also struggled with an eating disorder. My "gender dysphoria" feels more like a hyper-fixation, an addiction to the euphoria of playing with forbidden things, rather than a real pain with my body. It's like a habit I formed to cope with feeling down. I have a constant feeling of emptiness, an aggressive boredom, and transitioning never fixed that. I’ve come to see that gender is bullshit. Thoughts aren't sexed, and no one is in the wrong body.
I also struggled a lot with internalized shame, wondering if I was just a fetishist or a predator. I now understand that for me, it wasn't about autogynephilia (AGP), especially since I identify as asexual. It was about seeking acceptance and rejecting the pressure to "act like a guy." I've benefited from therapy, though it's a slow process. It's helping me understand why I have such a deep rejection of masculinity in myself.
I don't regret exploring transition because it helped me survive a tough time in my life, but I'm glad I never went through with surgeries. I've stopped seeing transition as a solution to all my problems. I know I'll never be a woman, and I'm okay with that. Society is sick with its obsession with gender, and I was just trying to find a way to be myself within that. My goal now is to just be me, without needing a label.
Here is a timeline of my journey based on what I remember:
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| Early Teens (around 13-14) | Bullied by boys in my neighborhood; started idealizing women and wanting to be "one of the girls." |
| Late Teens (around 18-19) | "Peak trans" phase; had a terrifying thought experiment about surgery and realized it wouldn't solve anything, but I forgot this feeling. |
| 20s | Started identifying as non-binary/transgender; began on-and-off hormone therapy (HRT), but never consistently. |
| Now (30s) | Stopped considering medical transition as a solution; accepted I will never be a woman and am focusing on therapy and self-acceptance without labels. |
Top Reddit Comments by /u/radiantiaqua:
girls would cosplay as male characters (and vice versa) and NOT have a whole identity crisis because of it
I noticed that identity crisis more than 15 years ago in my peers. And I am not living in Sweden or even in Europe or USA. There was no chance for developing any trans ideology.
Causation is not in contagious trans ideology, but in fandom content itself. Anime, cartoons and shows are portraying unrealistic yet attractive gendered characters which people want to take as role models.
IDK. Cute anime girls made me trans. It's kinda contagion too.
In (my distorted perception of) mass culture men are disgusting, constantly horny and showing off most of the time. On the other hand, women are worthier, prettier and respectful. Yes, despite of known oppression and shaming women. It's delusional, I know it. I can say it out loud, but can't help being biased and dysphoric.
Hi. I'm not an actual detransitioner (just quit HRT several times due to mental health condition). But I decided not to push myself so much and lower my expectations. I'll never be a woman and I'm quite okay with that. I guess I've never wanted to, tbh. I looked into tons of transition timelines photos and noticed that 100% stealth pass is... not attractive for me as applying to myself (just like I may have one, lol). It's more interesting for me to keep some masc features for seeking attention among friendly girls as androgynous person. What a coincidence! I'm lucky bc I'll never pass.
HRT helps me as anti-aging procedure which stops poisoning by testosterone. SRS, ID changing and breaking into (stranger) women spaces will never be an options for me, I just don't need these.
Thanks for sharing! I really hope you felt some kind of relief by venting out.
Your post moved me a little bit. Maybe you just had motivated someone to do not make something they'd regret.
Usually I am feeling zero compassion to AMAB detransitioners, but now it's different. I cannot explain why.
I've experienced my "peak trans" feelings a decade ago with thought experiment "what if I am going to cut it off for real, so what's then". I was kinda scared by realization of "that's it". Everything will remain the same, but some (used to be functional) body parts will not.
But I forgot this terrifying feeling. I wonder, why. It would be helpful for me now. Even for being quit from "peak trans" phase.
And then — your post. I am so sorry. But it means a lot.
I cannot believe that's what happened to you was for no reason. Your pain those days must be unbearable.
autistic nerdy gamer dudes who want to transition into a hot goth chick
Such a good example to start a discussion!
So, can you name a "male version" of hot goth chick? I cannot, honestly.
Pushing someone to fit such a shit as "gender" is like conversion therapy. Yeah.
But some archetypes (goth chick, etc) are bounded to "gender" characteristics. And some people really want to acquire some of these characteristics (despite "gender" it refers, and despite biological sex to which considered "gender" refers). And I think no one of these people should be told to reconsider. Medicine and surgery can literally kill someone. That's true. But that's a problem of cutting-edge healthcare and opportunities to get it, not problem of person's wishes.
I am not detransitioning, but at least I stopped considering transition a solution for all problems. Maybe it won't help at all. I am feeling emptiness constantly (not depression, it's like... aggressive boredom), and my mental health didn't get any better since all attempts to transition. I won't be satisfied after all. Never. But it's scary to quit, because my body could get older sooner and I will hate myself even more than ever.
Your experience may help! So sorry for further questions.
worked on my masculinity
embrace my masculinity
What does it mean to you?
I'd like to fix myself, but I won't feel any confidence with my masculinity.
Yeah, it's funny about me denying just a thing such as masculinity in myself.
I so get it! I thought about it many times and came to a conclusion:
- woman — any woman, unless she specified some prefix by herself
- cis-woman — non-trans woman who are into "gender theory" discourse or at least being okay with this long prefixed word relative to herself
Sounds reasonable, but lately I found myself being lowkey arrogant speaking of prefixes and "trans women are women" stuff. I respect everyone's choice, but as if for myself I slightly felt... proud to think and say about me "having no illusions about calling myself a woman or even trans woman".
Same here! I think I more sympathetic to radical feminism. And feeling like a burden for people around me likewise.
>learn to act like a guy
But this statement does not match your political coordinates. Isn't it? There must be no "like a guy", and there are no sacrifices required at all. You are you. That's it. No one owes you are anything, but if someone is not okay with your considered-as-some-gender-shit expression, so it's just their problem, not yours. Unless you claimed something inappropriate. But I believe, you're not, you're must be a good person.
This country
Which country?
I understand your disgust. I feel that disgust towards myself. I am not actually detrans and not transitioning on regular basis as well. Trans/queer culture (if it's exist at all, lol) is contagious, that's right. And I blame myself for my influence on "eggs" who are just GNC and didn't even heard about HRT and shit. I'm spreading toxic dysphoria of mine. But recently I figured out what my dysphoria is. It isn't real pain in my body, it isn't exact pain in my soul. It is hyper-fixation, it's playing around with things considered forbidden in "traditional" society. And these restrictions are sick. Not me, not other GNC people. Society is sick. "Transtrenders", agenda and shit are just residual signs of this sickness. People want liberation and some of them just making money of it. Maybe it's unfair, but it's logical. I believe it will be gone after some decades pass. Boys will be girls and boys will be girls and everyone feels just right. Because gender roles (and gendered appearance) are that shitty as "agenda", "SJW", etc. Hormones and surgeries are forbidden fruit now. It's tasty because of lethal risk, restriction and someone's disgust. But once it will be available and less harmful, disgusting agenda will disappear.