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Reddit user /u/reallyleatherjacket's Detransition Story

male
internalised homophobia
trauma
puberty discomfort
heterosexual
This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
On Reddit, people often share their experiences across multiple comments or posts. To make this information more accessible, our AI gathers all of those scattered pieces into a single, easy-to-read summary and timeline. All system prompts are noted on the prompts page.

Sometimes AI can hallucinate or state things that are not true. But generally, the summarised stories are accurate reflections of the original comments by users.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious

Based on the provided comments, the account appears authentic. There are no serious red flags indicating it is a bot or inauthentic.

The user consistently identifies as a cisgender man, not a detransitioner or desister. Their perspective is that of an effeminate cis man offering a critical, firsthand view of male socialization to questioning women. The writing is complex, personal, and shows consistent reasoning over time, which is not typical of bot behavior. Their passion and criticism align with the expected discourse in the community, even from a cis ally.

About me

I'm a man in my thirties who felt deep discomfort as a teenager with the tough, aggressive expectations placed on boys. I now see my past confusion as a reaction to those pressures, not an innate need to be female, and I've learned to accept myself as a gender non-conforming man. I spent time in detrans forums because I worried young women were transitioning to escape female stereotypes, only to face an equally brutal set of male social rules. From my own life, I know the male world is often a lonely crucible of aggression and performance that is incredibly difficult to integrate into. My regret is that many are rushed into medical changes without understanding these harsh social realities or the serious physical risks involved.

My detransition story

My whole journey with gender started when I was a teenager. From about the ages of 12 to 14, I experienced what I’d call dysphoria, but looking back, it was really a deep discomfort with the expectations placed on me as a boy. I felt pressured to be tough, aggressive, and stoic, and I just didn't fit that mold. I was a more effeminate guy, and that made growing up really hard. I faced a lot of physical aggression and was called names like "faggot" for not being masculine enough. It was a traumatic way to grow up.

I’m so incredibly grateful that when I was feeling that confusion, no one was pushing me to transition. The idea wasn't really around then. Instead, I was just told I’d grow into myself, and I did. By my late teens and into my twenties, that intense confusion burned off. I learned to accept myself as a man who is gender non-conforming. I'm in my thirties now, and I'm comfortable with who I am.

Because of my own experiences, I spent a lot of time in online detransition support communities trying to talk to people, especially young women who were considering transition. I saw a pattern that worried me. A lot of them seemed to think that becoming a man was a way to escape gendered expectations. From my lived experience, I wanted to tell them that it isn't like that at all. Being a man comes with a whole new, and often brutal, set of rules.

Men can be really mean to each other. In all-male spaces, even in my bohemian, left-wing circles, there's a constant pressure to be tough, courageous, and competent. There's a lot of goading, aggressive joking, and insults centered on calling someone a "pussy" or a "fag" if they're perceived as weak. It's a crucible, and it's lonely. Women often don't realize that men have a deep loneliness; we can go long spans without romantic connection while it seems our female friends are always dating.

I tried to explain that transitioning from a boyish girl to a trans man would likely mean going from one set of alienating expectations to another. I’ve never met a trans man who could fully pass in terms of mannerisms and be accepted into a cis male social world. Privately, in my own male friend groups, we’ve always reflexively referred to trans men as "she." It’s not done with malice, but it highlights that social integration is incredibly difficult. We have trans women in some of our group chats, but you never see trans men accepted as "one of the guys."

My thoughts on gender are that the ideology can be logically flimsy. The discomfort so many young women feel—"not feeling like a woman"—is often just a natural feminist reaction to the restrictive female gender role in our society. It’s not the same thing as being male. That’s an immense, unbridgeable difference.

I don't have personal regrets about medically transitioning because I never did it. My regret is that so many people are rushed into it without understanding the social reality of living as the opposite sex or the potential for serious health complications and infertility. I saw a lot of pain in the detrans community, with people talking about open wounds, both physical and emotional, and some even being suicidal. I believe we need a more balanced view that supports people exploring their gender but is also critically honest about the risks of a full-steam-ahead medical approach.

Age Event
12 Began experiencing intense discomfort with male gender expectations and social role.
14 The peak of my dysphoria-like feelings; a very difficult and confusing time.
Late Teens Began to "grow into myself"; the intense gender confusion started to fade.
30s Fully comfortable and secure in my identity as a gender non-conforming man.

Top Comments by /u/reallyleatherjacket:

14 comments • Posting since August 30, 2019
Reddit user reallyleatherjacket explains why the detrans subreddit is a target: it features authentic personal stories that challenge a laissez-faire medical policy and prove some who ID as trans are not.
44 pointsNov 23, 2019
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I'd imagine this is their biggest target specifically because it's not transphobic, you can write off neovaginadisaters as cherry-picked propaganda, this is really people telling their own stories and posting them on thier own, its existence proves a lot of people who ID as trans are not trans and that a Lasse Faire policy in medicine has enormous risks

Reddit user reallyleatherjacket (cis guy) explains the loneliness of male life and advises a detransitioner that it may be better to detransition as gender confusion often fades with age.
19 pointsOct 1, 2019
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I'm a cis guy, I'm.really fucking sorry. Male life involves a lot of loneliness, I've had several long term relationships, but also very long spans totally alone while my close female friends áre always dating someone and always getting asked out. Tbh you sound like a woman speaking through the eyes of a guy, and it sounds much worse. Men also have the solace of camaraderie with other guys, we tend to get along with one another, and I'm not sure if youll have that. It's very hard for me to imagine it not being better to detrans, you grow into yourself as you get older and the gender confusion burns off.

Reddit user reallyleatherjacket comments that detransitioning is a suppressed topic in queer circles, noting that critics are stigmatized and the mainstream left presents an overly optimistic "fiction."
18 pointsOct 5, 2019
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Is the commonality of detrans known in queer circles? People like Singal and Herzog are suppressed and stigmatized, for at least a year I had no clue any of this was going on, the view presented on the left has such an optimistic spin that it's basically fiction at this point

Reddit user reallyleatherjacket comments that harsh takes are unsympathetic in a support sub for distressed, often suicidal detrans people, suggesting r/GenderCritical for unvarnished opinions instead.
13 pointsOct 14, 2019
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"open wounds" fr I think when OP is a distressed person who's already had the surgery it's unsympathetic to give such a harsh take, the sub is for detrans people, many of whom are suicidal as it is, trying to find some comfort. Gendercritical is a better place for unvarnished opinions like this

Reddit user reallyleatherjacket comments on the link between autism and transgender identification, stating that the autistic people they know are highly empirical and therefore seem like the last people who would be susceptible to a logically flimsy ideology like gender identity.
13 pointsDec 15, 2019
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Thanks for the post — I’m not autistic myself and had trouble understanding why the autism-trans link exists. In fact, the autistic people I know are super empirical and in many ways seem like the last people who would be susceptible to gender identity, as the ideology is so logically flimsy

Reddit user reallyleatherjacket explains that women generally do want regular sex, and a lack of interest in a relationship is rarely about losing interest in sex itself, calling the common cultural assumption hyperbolic and more false than true.
13 pointsOct 14, 2019
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All else being equal, women generally do want regular sex--it's not exactly the same as the male sex drive, but when they don't within a relationship it's rarely the case they've lost interest in sex itself. At the very least, the cultural assumption that men want to fuck and women want security or whatever is so hyperbolic that it's much more false than it is true,

Reddit user reallyleatherjacket explains why transitioning may not solve discomfort with gender roles, sharing their experience as an effeminate man who faced social pressure and is glad they weren't pushed to transition as a teen.
11 pointsSep 12, 2019
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Tbqh you’re — at best — going to switch from being a boyish girl to an extremely effeminate man, and as a relatively effeminate man I’d ask — have you ever been in all cis male spaces? Men are rough with one another. expect one another to be tough, and mock you if you’re “a pussy.” It’s no picnic being an effeminate guy, and I went through socialization as a het man. Point being, frankly, I’ve never met a trans man who even comes close to passing in terms of her/ his manner and wouldn’t be accepted into male social world. Privately and reflexively we refer them all as she/ her. Is that even what you want anyway? Men are also pretty fucking gross. I had dysphoria from 12-14 due to the gendered expectations of men — I promise you grow into yourself tho overtime. I’m SO glad I didn’t have people pushing me to be trans. Being a teenager sucks, really don’t think transitioning is possibly going to fix that and is likelier to make you more confused and upset if having a man’s name is already too masculine for you

Reddit user reallyleatherjacket comments on the suppression of bad transition outcomes, arguing that a more balanced, critical view of the ideology and medical approach is needed.
9 pointsOct 2, 2019
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Just awareness of the extent to which these bad outcomes exist is considered transphobic, unless you actively help stigmatize people like Singal and Herzog who expose this stuff. But it they can't be suppressed forever and left paradigm that allows no criticism is gonna give way, hopefully we'll see a more balanced view that is supportive of trans people but critical of the ideolgy + full steam ahead medical approach

Reddit user reallyleatherjacket discusses the social challenges of integrating as a man, contrasting feminist discomfort with gender roles and the reality of male social dynamics.
9 pointsJun 22, 2020
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The difference between a girl "not feeling like a woman" (discomfort with the female gender role in Western society which all feminists feel) and a man is immense, I'd say unabridgable. If you weren't a minor I'd offer to add you to a boys chat — all male chat group — just to give you an idea of how difficult it'd be to socially integrate as guy, which you probably wouldn't like anyway. Even in all left spaces we're rough on one another and, wrt dysphoria, it'd likely be incredibly triggering, given all the dick chat and insults related to being woman-like. Ironically, three trans women are in one of my guys chats, you never see trans men tho accepted as "one or the guys." Not defending it but that's the reality

Reddit user reallyleatherjacket explains the intense pressures of male socialization, arguing that a transition to male introduces a new, alienating set of rigid expectations around toughness, strength, and competence, rather than offering an escape from gender roles.
5 pointsSep 13, 2019
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This is a great summary of what I’ve been hoping to convey as a (cis) man to women on here who think they may be trans — I’m SO much more masculine than every trans man I’ve encountered or read about, and I still had a fairly traumatic experience growing up because it was extremely hard for me to keep up with the demands made on me by my peers, male socialization is about toughness, courage, strength, and competence and it’s a crucible to pass the endless feats and not be rejected as a “pussy” or “fag.” All this exists in bohemian spaces as well, it just takes on a different character. These roles enforced by women as well by way of their expectations in potential partners. It’s not at all that one becomes genderless by becoming male, she’ll have a whole new set role to be alienated from, unfortunately