My journey with gender started when I was a teenager. I was born female, and I began to feel a deep discomfort with my body when I hit puberty. I hated the development of my breasts; it felt wrong and foreign to me. I now believe a lot of this was tied to trauma and a deep-seated feeling of not being safe in my own skin. I was also struggling with depression, anxiety, and very low self-esteem. I found a lot of community and acceptance online in trans spaces, and I came to believe that my body hatred was gender dysphoria.

I started identifying as non-binary first, and then later as a trans man. It felt like an escape from being a woman, which I associated with being vulnerable and a victim. I think a lot of this was internalized; I had a lot of negative feelings about being a lesbian and transitioning felt like a way to sidestep that. I was also heavily influenced by my online friends and the communities I was in. They all supported my transition and celebrated each step, and it felt amazing to finally be seen and accepted.

I ended up getting top surgery. At the time, it felt like the solution to all my problems. The system made it surprisingly easy to get approved for surgery, even on Medicaid. It was much harder to find a therapist who could actually help me deal with my underlying trauma. I was so disconnected from my body through dissociation that changing it seemed like the only logical answer.

After my surgery, the relief was immediate but short-lived. The high of having solved the "problem" of my chest wore off, and all my old feelings of depression and anxiety came rushing back. I realized I had been using transition as a form of escapism. I had treated a psychological issue with a physical solution, and it didn't work. My core issues were still there, completely untouched.

I don't think being trans is a choice for everyone. I know some people transition and are genuinely happy, and I'm happy for them. But for me, it was a mistake. I regret getting top surgery. I regret not dealing with my trauma first. I think the medical and therapy systems failed me by being too quick to affirm my identity without ever asking why I felt that way. They were more concerned with being politically correct than with providing the deep, complex care I actually needed.

My thoughts on gender now are that it's incredibly complex and deeply personal. For some, medical transition is the right path. For others, like me, it's a detour that delays real healing. I benefited immensely from therapy that was not about affirming a gender identity, but about unpacking my childhood trauma, my dissociation, and my low self-worth. That was the real work I needed to do.

I don't regret the journey entirely because it led me to where I am now, which is a place of much greater self-understanding. But I do regret the permanent change I made to my body and the years I spent running from myself.