Honestly this person is inadvertently laying out such a big issue—in my experience a lot of transition is built on lies. There is really no oversight in this process—how are you supposed to know if someone is lying?

And also, I don’t think most people seeking transition are lying. I was not lying to any medical professionals at the time I transitioned. I genuinely believed something was wrong with me and was seeking help. I started transitioning back in 2020 but had been exposed to the idea far earlier (around 2012/3 or so when trans ideas were just starting to pick up steam on Youtube). So, when I thought I found the answer—that I was genderqueer or non-binary or just a guy.—I was elated.

The problem is that was also a lie, I didn’t realize it until much later on. It took a long time for me to learn about misogyny and understand that there’s nothing wrong with breaking gender roles. I can do whatever I want and at the end of the day, I’m still a woman. There’s no sliding scale of “masc” or “femme” interests/presentations etc. that makes someone a not a man or a woman. And that’s 100% ok. There are just so many lies drowning out common sense. I remember how it got to me sometimes—all the lies and covering up and burying that needs to happen to just function as trans. It’s everyday. Every time you go outside. It is exhausting to live this way. The burden is so heavy.

I feel like society is the issue here. GNC people are lied to —we’re made to believe that being different needs medical or social intervention, a new name, new pronoun, synthetic hormones, surgery etc. We’re made to believe ourselves to be the problem, that we belong in a different “box.” “If we could just get into that OTHER box, things would be better.”

Even if we don’t believe that lie, we are still encouraged to lie to doctors so that they will say yes to transition—sometimes by the people closest to us. People we trust say things to get us to try to conform—they are more comfortable with that. They say things like: “Men don’t wear dresses” or “Girls don’t wear boxers!” And “Here are 40+ signs that you’re really a man/woman/non-binary etc—all of which are characteristics of neurodivergence or simply just not following gender roles.”

The worst reaction I got when I told someone was “That makes sense!” And it was like…I guess? But thinking about it—did it really? I was just a girl who liked riding bikes and camping more than painting my nails. I just wanted to do my own thing.

Then transition begins and it’s once again lies covering up more and more lies. You have to lie to so many people to start and live in this way, most importantly yourself. You have to believe something was wrong with YOU. That something was always wrong with you. It always comes back to you. That burden is just way too heavy. There’s nothing wrong with you.

This was my experience. It was very confusing and dark. I think I’m still processing it. The biggest thing that helped me was turning away from the farce and working toward embracing myself 100%. It’s still a journey. My heart is with everyone trying to figure this out right now.

Hey OP, I’m not certain about the labels, but I did relate to how you feel. I’m so sorry for the conflict and stress this is causing you. Hysterectomies are major surgery with real long term consequences that are bigger than you may anticipate right now. The same goes for a double mastectomy. I’m really fortunate in that certain things clicked to me (namely, realizing that misogyny had played a huge role in my life experiences up until that point) before going to get any of these permanent surgeries. I’m still learning to love my body everyday and I’m well into my 20s. I feel for your struggle.

If possible, while you’re sorting things out, are there any things you can do that get you out of thinking about your appearance or physiology? Things that help you be in the moment? I tried yoga, biking and hiking with friends recently and it was transformative in helping me feel grounded and thankful for what my body does for me on a daily basis, rather than analyzing myself as “product” or “pieces of a human” so to speak. Can you think of something like that for you? Something to just help you “be?”

Right, it really breaks the immersion. There’s something to be said about the amount of “costuming” that has to be done to ID as trans. You are incredibly disembodied and cling to the ideology like a mantra or safety blanket. That’s how it felt to me. When someone points out the truth, it can bring up a lot of negative emotions that have been shoved down and ignored for a long time. It feels vulnerable. Maybe even scary.

However, the truth is the truth. Understanding this is what helped me to start embracing myself again. My sex is my sex…I’m female, just like the sky is the sky and the earth is the earth. It’s objective truth. Trans ideology embraces the idea that running from the truth rather than confronting it is healthy. This worries me greatly. We are so disembodied that I think this is becoming easier and easier to do—keep people living in their heads and online, outside of their bodies. There’s something to be said about the phrase “touch grass.” We struggle to ground ourselves in tangible life. And of course, pharmaceutical and medical industries love this. They are having a field day with a real and present struggle.

Additionally, I feel that identity politics plays a role in this. Under identity politics in order to claim to be oppressed, one has to refer to some immutable quality about them that is discriminated against. It focuses on statements of being rather than…being.

An unfortunate consequence of this theory is that, taken to its end, it allows for one to claim oppression based on verbal statements of identity rather than lived biological realities and historical experiences of oppression/discrimination as a class. If it is pointed out that a statement of identification with a group or class is not the same as being a part of that group or class, it goes against that fundamental claim to oppression—against identity politics.

Some use identity politics as a means to take up space, force compliance and wield power over others in a pervasive, almost authoritarian way. The oppression that these individuals claim to face under their new identification becomes a benefit to them—that’s how you can tell it’s a falsehood. Pointing out the facade is described as hate to the aforementioned identity. It’s very insidious.

It is not hate to state reality. It’s important to get to a healthy place where reality can be acknowledged again, I feel like healing starts from there. And it allows us to have difficult, yet important conversations with one another. People who say acknowledging sex is hate have a vested interest in continuing to larp as an oppressed class and in keeping people out of touch with their bodies.

It’s like you said, they don’t have a narrative or a pattern established in their head for us…yet. Think about it, when was the last time you saw a GNC/tomboy woman in a healthy straight relationship depicted anywhere? Not healthy by virtue of being straight, just where she’s not called “a man” or being disparaged. Where her tomboyish self isn’t given a make-over or played down by the end of the story? Where she’s just loved for exactly who she is? I really yearn for stories like this. That’s why it’s so important for us to be unapologetically ourselves. For every GNC woman out there doing her own thing, loving who she loves, many other girls/tomboys/young women will have someone to look to and say, “I think she’s like me.” And that’s comforting and invaluable.

You are not alone, thank you for being brave enough to share what happened. You’re not reading too much into it—you were groomed and that was so wrong. Many of us have had a similar experience with someone we trusted. There are definitely adults using gender identity as a cover to assault minors and/or exploit vulnerable people looking for help/community. I’m sorry this happened to you. If possible, I hope you can report this person.

Hi there, just want to share and let you know that you’re not alone. For me, I began to see that what I understood as gender dysphoria at the time was actually made of a few very things interacting together that made life extremely hard for me—anxiety, depression, internalized misogyny, dealing with sexism as a woman and loneliness/seeking true belonging as a girl who didn’t fit in particularly well as a tomboy. I went through a period of identifying as genderqueer/fluid/nonbinary before settling on trans man and then detransitioning. Transitioning did not actually help. It just kind of masked over those deep seated issues. I held onto that identify like a person holds onto a life raft in a storm—you couldn’t take it away from me because drowning was so much worse. I didn’t understand why something still felt wrong. I did some deep thinking and decided that the only way to be happy was to accept myself, my natural body, my mind, flaws and all. Figure out what’s causing the storm and heal that. I’ve been on this journey since then. I wish you peace and comfort as you navigate this. You’re never alone!

Thank you for sharing this ❤️💕 Coffee Prince is near and dear to me especially. It was really hard to find this kind of representation growing up—I struggled with wanting to remain a “tomboy” and was also developing crushes on guys too. I felt pressured to grow my hair out/wear dresses and “look the part.” The biggest thing I wish these kinds of stories did is forgo the part at the end when the woman gets a traditional “makeover.” Women are wonderful no matter how we dress. And let people think whatever they want. Love who you love. Either way, I’m grateful for the representation for masculine women who are bisexual or straight.

Right. My initial reaction was: “Where is the critical thinking?” I feel more and more we are lacking the ability to actually identify if our real lives line up with the things we say/slogans we pontificate online. I don’t see how being dependent on big pharma for the rest of your life is in any way subversive.

Hi OP, here is what worked for me. I had to come to terms with the fact that I would never be the opposite sex and for good reason, thinking of all the ways I could twist and change my appearance to pretend to be was abandoning my self and damaged my psyche. After internalizing that, things got much easier and I was able to get to a healthier place mentally. Investing in therapy and my hobbies, making new friendships and staying busy also helped. Getting outside. Fresh air. My perspective has improved in direct relation to spending less time online and thinking about gender. It’s good that you see positives about your own sex. I think it could be worth it to lean into that and try to free your mind from the back and forth. Most importantly, you’re not alone. Hang in there!

Hey OP,

You've taken a huge step just by recognizing how you're feeling and moving toward being honest with yourself/not burying these emotions.

For now, can you step away from this specific online group of friends? (I recommend not being close with them/possibly cutting ties, as they do not seem to be genuinely caring.) Getting out of an echo chamber can really help create peace and clarity. No need to tell them anything.

You seem to have a good way of expressing yourself in writing-- I recommend journaling to try to sort through your thoughts. Women and girls face misogyny from the start, which can make us out of touch with our bodies and full of shame/discomfort as we try to navigate the world. When you're ready, I recommend getting in touch with women and girls your age in your community/ new school who are great role models and who can help you restore your confidence/re-center. Do activities that you enjoy, get outside and take a breather. Women can do anything! Soccer sounds awesome and I bet you'll make new connections there. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks. If you need to contact your school now, go right ahead. They change/update info all the time and this will not burden anyone. It might be better to do it sooner, so that no one needs to change after having you in class etc. :) You need no one's permission to be you. You are taking back control of your own life. You have so much to look forward to ahead of you!

I also would recommend finding a reputable therapist who can help listen to your experiences with SA, trans ideology and womanhood. I do not recommend seeking out a therapist specifically for "gender," but rather possibly a woman who can be unbiased and help you heal/reflect safely.

You got this! We are here to support.