My journey with all of this is complicated and rooted in a lot of pain and confusion that I didn't understand at the time. Looking back, I see now that a lot of my desire to transition came from a deep discomfort with the expectations placed on me as a male. I was drawn to the idea of being a different kind of person, someone softer and cared for, the "frail twink" archetype that is absolutely a male ideal for some, even if people pretend it's not. I think recognizing that could have saved me and others a lot of trouble.

I never had any physical surgeries or took hormones, but I socially transitioned for a period. I was deeply influenced by what I read online, especially articles that framed every kind of unhappiness or discomfort as a sign of being trans. I remember one piece, "That was dysphoria" by Zinnia Jones, had a huge impact on me; it was like a checklist that convinced me my general anxiety and depression were actually gender dysphoria. It reminds me now of how some books can create false memories or convince people of things that aren't true.

A big part of my struggle was with my own body, but it wasn't a pure hatred of being male. It was more of a general puberty discomfort and low self-esteem that got wrongly pointed at my gender. I also had a serious problem with porn that warped my view of relationships and myself, which I think played a role.

I don't regret exploring my identity, because it ultimately led me to a better understanding of myself, but I deeply regret that I ever thought permanently changing my body was the answer. I believe now that my feelings were a mix of escapism, internalized issues, and being influenced by a very online world. I am completely against giving children any kind of medical transition; it is ethically straightforward to me that they must wait until they are adults who can properly consent to such serious, life-altering procedures. The idea of performing any irreversible medical procedure on a child's genitals, for any reason, is something I find particularly abhorrent.

My thoughts on gender now are that it's often used as a simple solution for very complex problems. For me, it was a way to escape from myself. I benefited greatly from stepping away from affirming-only perspectives and dealing with the underlying issues, like my anxiety and self-esteem. I am now comfortable living as a male, understanding that I can be whoever I want to be without changing my body or the label I use.

Here is a timeline of my journey: