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The comments display:
- Personal, nuanced narratives with specific, evolving feelings over time.
- Consistent internal logic in the user's philosophical view of gender.
- Appropriate emotional engagement, offering empathy, personal anecdotes, and practical advice that aligns with the struggles of detransitioners/desisters.
- Natural language with varied sentence structure and personal asides.
The account exhibits the passion and lived-experience perspective you would expect from a genuine user in this community.
About me
I started identifying as trans as a teenager because I felt so uncomfortable with my female body and thought changing it was my only solution. After years of unhappiness, I realized my confusion came from low self-esteem and that I never truly felt like a man, just a person in pain. My turning point was discovering detransition stories and seeing that "gender identity" was often just based on stereotypes, which made everything click. I finally understood I didn't need surgery to become a man; I needed to find confidence and comfort in myself as a woman. Now, three years later, I am at peace, seeing my body as a simple fact of life that doesn't define my personality or interests.
My detransition story
My journey with gender started when I was a teenager. I felt a deep discomfort with my body, especially during puberty, and I came to believe that these feelings meant I was trans. I identified as trans, and later as non-binary, for about seven years. During that time, I was severely dysphoric and deeply unhappy. I hated my breasts and desperately wanted top surgery. I was convinced that changing my body was the only way to feel at home in it.
A lot of my confusion came from not understanding what "gender identity" even was. All my trans friends seemed to feel it so strongly, but I never felt like a boy or a girl. I just felt like a human being who was in a lot of pain. I think my low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression played a huge role in why I latched onto this identity. It felt like an escape from myself.
The turning point for me came from two places. First, I discovered that detransition was real. At the time, the common narrative was that no one ever regretted transitioning, so finding out that wasn't true was a huge shock. Second, I started asking my trans friends how they knew they were a man or a woman. Their answers were always based on stereotypes—like a trans woman friend telling me she knew she was female because she was passive, emotional, and bad at math. It made everything crash down for me. I realized that the whole idea of a "gender identity" was just repackaged gender roles, and I didn't want any part of that.
The final moment of clarity was watching a video of a trans guy showing off his top surgery results. I had wanted that surgery for years, but in that moment, I didn't feel jealous or inspired. I just felt… nothing. I realized that what I truly wanted wasn't to become a man, but to feel confident and comfortable in my own skin as a woman. I didn't need to change my body to do that.
Letting go of the trans identity was a long process. It took about two years from my first doubts to fully calling myself a woman again. It was incredibly isolating, especially in the UK where there's no real talk therapy offered for people questioning their gender; the system only seems to support a linear transition narrative. Connecting with other detransitioned women online saved me. Reading their stories and sharing my own made me feel less alone.
I don’t regret my transition because it led me to where I am now, which is a place of much greater self-acceptance. I see my female body as a fact of my life, not a problem to be solved. It affects my health and how society treats me, but it doesn't define my personality, my interests, or who I am as a person. I still sometimes feel the social pressure to identify as non-binary, but I choose to rise above it.
My thoughts on gender are simple: you are a person first. You don't have to "feel" like a man or a woman. You can just be you. You can look how you want, act how you want, and love who you want without having to change your body or your name. Loving yourself exactly as you are is the most radical and powerful thing you can do.
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| Teenager (exact age unknown) | Began experiencing severe body dysphoria and discomfort during puberty. Hated my breasts. |
| Teenager | Started identifying as trans, and later as non-binary. This lasted for 7 years. |
| ? | Had my "peak trans" moment when a friend defined womanhood by stereotypes, making me question everything. |
| ? | Began having serious doubts about my trans identity, starting a two-year period of questioning. |
| ? | Watched a top surgery video and realized I didn't want the surgery anymore; I just wanted to be at peace in my body. |
| ? | Stopped identifying as trans and started calling myself a woman again. |
| (Present) | 3 years after reidentifying as a woman, I am still secure in my decision and focused on self-acceptance. |
Top Comments by /u/selfsurgery:
I know this probably isn't the answer you're looking for, but it is totally okay to have a larger clitoris. As a lesbian, I honestly wouldn't think twice if that was the case for a partner of mine - I'd just be like, 'nice', and move on. I don't know if you'd get comments or questions from future partners, but even if you do, please know there's nothing wrong with you, and nothing needs to be fixed. There's no rule that says the clitoris has to be small and dainty and out of sight. Everyone looks different, and it's all okay. :)
I saw from your post history that you're still a teenager, and so I wanted to point out that at that age, it's also completely normal to feel like your body is weird, problematic and not like other women's. Even without T, so many young women feel like there's something wrong with their genitals and that future partners will be put off by it. I felt like that for my whole teenage and part of my adult life, and I still do sometimes - but it's because of porn culture, and patriarchy, and the male gaze; not because there's actually anything wrong with us. I know it's really cliche to say this, but it's one of those things that gets better as you get older and get to see first-hand how diverse women's bodies are. And so, I hope you'll give yourself a chance to experience that and reconcile with your body before resorting to surgery. Good luck with everything. <3
It's definitely not cis privilege, lol. I definitely felt a disconnect -- I identified as trans on and off for 7 years and was severely dysphoric. When I identified as trans I felt extremely, deeply confused about what gender even was, especially because all my friends were claiming they felt it so strongly and I just didn't feel anything except dysphoric and unhappy. When I found out that detransition wasnt just a myth (this before the media got interested in detransition, so trans people constantly claimed that literally nobody ever regretted transitioning and I'd never seen evidence otherwise), and that radical feminists were saying gender identity was just gender roles in rainbow packaging, I got curious and started asking my trans friends how they knew they were male or female. They were forthcoming and honest with me because I identified as agender and was questioning.
My peak trans moment was when my best friend, a trans woman, told me she 'felt female' because she was passive, emotional, and bad at maths. It was like everything came crashing down in an instant. In the five years since then, I've never heard a single person explain 'gender feelings' in a way that wasn't totally regressive and stereotypical. In terms of how I experience gender identity, nothing has changed. I'm still just me, a human being who happens to have a female body.
Thanks for asking. :)
If I met a woman who didn't shave her facial hair and still identified herself as a woman, I'd think she was the biggest badass on the planet. You are allowed to be a woman, because you are a woman. You don't have to try, or change yourself to look and sound a certain way. I think loving yourself exactly the way you are is the best thing you can do for yourself, and I'm glad that you sound happy with your body, even though socially things can be tough.
I understand bring tempted by the non-binary label. I started identifying as a woman again 3 years ago, and I still go back and forth in my mind all the time. Personally, I've almost come out as non-binary a dozen times in the past few months and just barely stopped myself. But it sounds like you've totally made up your mind that it isn't right for you, and that's amazing. The social pressure is there, and you're choosing to rise above it and keep being who you are, even when it's hard. I think that's something to admire, rather than something to be ashamed of.
I think the thing about detransitioning is that you never feel like you're making progress on a daily basis. Everything feels like a struggle that's going nowhere. It's only when you look back that you realise how far you've come. So even though you might feel like you don't know what to do, the truth is that you're already doing it. Stay strong. :)
The thing that really got through to me in the end was super basic, but I feel like these questions still tend to throw people for a loop:
What is a woman? What is a man? What's the difference between a woman and a man? Would the world be different if every single person identified as non-binary? Do men and women have different roles in the world? Are there male and female personality traits? Can men do things women can't do, and vice versa?
For me, it took about two years between my first real doubts and deciding to start calling myself a woman again. I had so many questions about what gender was, and what made someone a man or a woman or neither. The moment I knew I needed to reidentify was when I was watching a post top surgery video by a trans guy and I realised that even though I'd been wanting that surgery for so many years, I didn't feel jealous, or find his results aspirational. I realised that what I actually wanted was to feel at home and confident in my body, and I didn't have to have surgery and be a guy to do that.
I don't think it's great advice for you to think of yourself as a girl in your mind -- you're a person first, and I know I never 'felt' like a boy or a girl, just a human being. Being a woman affects my health, rights, social standing and the assumptions people make about me, but it has nothing to do with what sort of person I am, what I wear, what I'm good at, what my interests and hobbies are, or how I feel about my body.
You're still so young, so don't ever be afraid to experiment and follow your heart. If you want to try being a girl again, try it. If it's not for you, try something else until you find what feels right. If you're looking for something to tell your family, maybe you could tell them you're genderfluid while you take some time to figure things out?
Just my two cents, but I feel like the issue with polyamory is that so many people try to use it as a band aid for an already failing relationship.
If two polyamorous people meet and mutually decide to have an open relationship, that's a totally valid lifestyle choice imo. But if someone announces months or years into s relationship that they're polyamorous now and need to sleep with other people, that's not okay. And if two previously monogamous partners lose sexual interest in each other and decide to open their relationship, I think it's only a matter of time before someone ends up leaving for one of their poly partners. In those cases, I think it's just the beginning of the end. But that doesn't mean polyamory in general is inherently bad: just that a lot of people unfortunately get into it for the wrong reasons.
Hey friend, it's okay. Recovery isn't a linear process, and we all have setbacks, but it's only temporary. All the progress you've made so far will still be there when you're feeling ready to return to it.
It's okay to vent. We're all here for you. <3
You don't have to end your life. Things will get better, I promise.
Your boyfriend might just need some time to process what you're telling him. I'm also dating a trans guy, and I'm the first reidentified person he's ever met or heard of. He even told me that before he started t, he did some research to find out if people ever had regrets or stopped, and couldn't find any results. It sounds like your boyfriend has been in the same kind of bubble. Even though I think what he said about polyamory was badly timed and wildly insensitive, and there's no excuse for that, I also can imagine that he was probably panicking a little and maybe just blurted out the first thing he thought of. Your detransition is calling his sexual identity into question, so insisting that he needs to sleep with a guy soon could've been his way of trying to validate himself, at the expense of your feelings. But if you want a chance at saving your relationship, you need to tell him that you're not okay with being poly. Even if you'd rather end things, I think it would be more appropriate for him to wait until your relationship is actually over before sleeping with someone else.
My advice for detrans women is always to connect with other people going through the same thing. Write about your experiences, and read about other people's. Reach out and make friends if you can. You're not alone, and it's so important to see other detrans women who've been where you are, gotten through it, and are now thriving and happy. Connecting with other detransitioned and reidentified women is what saved me. I also journalled extensively for the first year or two, just to help put words to what I was feeling.
I don't know if I can advise you on your financial situation because I only know how welfare and housing works in the UK, but trust me when I say that thousands of people are in your situation right now, not able to access work or welfare and maybe even stuck in difficult relationships or even living with exes because of the coronavirus. It's awful, but it's not your fault at all. If youre trying to find a job, as others have said, grocery or driving work is probably your best bet. I also would hope that your boyfriend would support you as a friend even if you break up, since the circumstances right now are pretty extreme. But please don't blame yourself for what's going on. The whole world is crazy right now, but when this is all over, you'll get back on your feet again in no time.
Feel free to PM me if you ever want to vent or chat. And again, I promise, you are not alone in any of this. Stay strong. We're all here for you. <3
I'm really sorry about your situation. I have a few questions, if that's okay?
It sounds like you don't feel like you can detransition and stay with your partner. Why is that? Do you think he wouldn't accept you, or is there another reason?
What's your living situation? If you wanted to break up and move out, could your partner get a roommate and keep living away from his abusive family?
You don't have to choose between being a 'real' man or a 'real' woman. You're just you. It's completely okay to stop T without growing out your hair or dressing femininely. It's okay to stop for a while, figure things out, and then start again if you want to. Even without T, it shouldn't be too hard to pass as male in public but identify as a woman or non-binary in your personal life, if that would make you feel better.
Nobody here can tell you what to do, but your post isn't weird, and you're not alone. I'm really sorry that the NHS is so useless for anyone who doesn't follow a linear trans narrative - I'm in the UK too and the lack of talk therapy for dysphoric people is so isolating. If I have any advice, it's to try to focus on who you are as a person, independent of gender. Look how you want to look, act how you want to act, and try not to worry about whether other people are perceiving you as masculine or feminine. It gets easier in time.